Love and War
by Alias-JoyLemmon
Summary: Bella is back, and she's staying, but What about Edward? And is she here for now? Or for Good? CAUTION - LEMONS AHEAD! *Is currently being remastered*
1. Plans

"Jake, I'm coming back. Edward got a little…close one time," she whispered, holding out her right arm. It had a matching scar to the one on her left. Like the other one, it was a few degree's cooler than her body temperature, and shimmered.

"Bells, what happened?"

"We were about to make love for the first time – don't look like that, I was living with him, we were in love. I wasn't joining a nunnery Jake, so don't judge. When I sliced it accidentally on the headboard. If you look at it, there is a thin line through it. Edward lost control."

"He drank your blood?"

"To him, my blood is like his personal brand of heroin – I'm his drug. Have ever seen an addict within Cooee distance of his drug? Nothing can stop him. This was like holding a large packet under his nose."

"Doesn't excuse him."

"It does a bit. But, that's not the point. The point is I'm back.

"I'm staying here, well, not _here, _here. In Forks – with Charlie until I can find a place. There's a teaching job opening up at the Res. High school next semester – I'm applying. If I get it, and I save enough, I'll buy a little place near here. There's a house available with it – but it's not very good. I looked at it a couple of days ago. Dying is a good word for it."

"Wait, back up. You're here? You're staying?"

I couldn't contain my joy. Bella was back.

Bella.

My Bella was back.

But for good? Or just for now.

"Do the Cullen's know? Does Edward know?"

"Most of the Cullen's do."

"Edward?"

She looked guilty. That was answer enough.

"Bella, you have to tell him. Is that why Alice has him? 'Bella-detox' or something? Is it to stop hurting while you run away?"

"He feels bad about what happened. Detox started as space. But I don't want him back. I don't want that life. I missed the sun more than I anticipated. They couldn't come with me to Arizona, so they holed up in Alaska."

"Wait, they were in _Alaska_? While you were halfway across the country?"

"Don't start on the safety crap, please."

"No, I was going to congratulate you. So, this must have happened pretty soon after you left here? Why didn't you call?"

"And say what, Jake?" She was angry now. She got off the bed, hands on hips. She could be quite intimidating when she wanted to be. "'Oh, hey Jake. Yeah, Edward just tried to kill me – but it wasn't his fault. So, I'm off to college. See you in four years?' Jake, you would have been on your bike and rode after me, pack in tow, ready and willing to kill him and his family – _my_ family. Jake, I would have hated you afterwards – I would have hated me. Running away was easier, safer thing to do for all of us."

"Are they coming back?" My wolf duty exerted itself. Damn.

"How should I know? They paid for college, send me birthday and Christmas presents and that's it. I only see Alice regularly, sometimes Emmet, but that's just because he find's me amusing. No, wait, I stopped that…" She muttered to herself. "I stopped seeing them…"

"How long has it been since you saw Edward?" I asked daringly, ignoring her previous mutterings – I'd figure them out later.

She sighed. "4 years today."

I stared at her. 4 years.

4 years was a long time – I should know, I've waited about that long.

"How did Alice manage to keep him away while she was visiting you?"

"How the hell do I know? I don't even know how she saw me – it's sunny in Arizona – all the time. All I know I haven't set eyes on Edward Cullen in four years."

I could have kissed her there and then.

She had chosen.

Chosen me.

It was enough – now.

But, knowing Edward as I do, he won't give up without a fight.

"Bella, he'll come for you. You know he will. You can't keep him away forever. He won't stay away forever. A druggo can't go forever without his drug."

"He can live for eternity – a few more years – like say, 80 – aren't going to hurt at all. Give him books and a pen, he'll be fine."

"What happens if he finds out that you left him? It's the Volturi all over again."

"No, this was _my_ choice – I'm _choosing_ to live. When Edward went to the Volturi, he though it was because I had died – I'm choosing to live. He can't go back – he would essentially kill his family as well. He wouldn't want that – he respects them too much."

"This is all very well though-out on your part." I told her cautiously.

"College does that to a person. So, who's cooking?"

I shook my head. Bella had changed – for the better. She was bubbly, jumping from one topic to another, like a grasshopper. And she wasn't dwelling on the darkness.

I wondered what college had really done for her – there must have been a guy, there usually was. But she never mentioned one.

"Jake, I know you went out last night, but didn't 'food' pass through your head once? This place is empty! Even Charlie had more food than you – and he's old and forgetful!"

I grinned and shrugged. "When I get hungry I eat. When there's no food – I mean, literally, nothing, that's when I go shopping."

"What, being a good mechanic isn't paying well these days?"

"Not that - I don't have time to shop most of the time. You're lucky you caught me when you did – shop is shut for the next few weeks."

"Why?"

"Owner is going away, so he gave us all a few weeks holiday – we could use it too."

She nodded, deep in thought, before smiling up at me. "Well, that means we have a few weeks to get back into the swing of things – like the pack for example."

I grinned – probably at the mention of 'we' mean 'Bella and Jacob' "Jake and Bells.'

God, I had it bad.

_Ok I'm doing the whole 'Disney' thing – I'm remastering these chapters. I didn't realise it, but I'm making subtle inconsistencies as I write it – not good for business._

_So, I shall slowly fix up this plot line – make it easier to follow before continuing on._

_Anywho, the quotes for the next chapter is:_

_**I Used to be normal until I met these LOSERS I call best friends**_

~/*\~


	2. The Return

**The Return**

_Okay, so I'm remastering this – if your reading this for the first time, you may notice some inconsistencies in the later chapters, hence the remastering. I figured, if Disney could do it, why couldn't I. _

_Anyways, Love, Theft and Murder _

~/*\~

**I used to be normal until I met these LOSERS I call my best friends**

~\*/~

**Bella POV**

I slept at Jakes again – still in his shirt, which he let me keep – my clothes were still drenched thanks to the continuing rain.

In the morning, Jake had to go shopping (under my orders) but invited me to stay for a few days. I could hardly refuse. So, I decided I would pick up some of my clothes from Charlie's – I couldn't live in his house forever, and I need a shower and a change of underwear desperately.

I left Jake's home a little after we had lunch – I really don't know how he survived. I mean, he was taller than I remember, buffer too.

_Damn it Bella, keep it G-rated in there. He can probably smell you if ever got too turned on by him. Let's _not_ give him the option._

So I drove my new old car back to Charlie's – the truck, sadly, died and went to big junkyard in the sky shortly after the second semester of my freshman year. So, since I had more money than I could use thanks to the Cullen's I splurged and got a second-hand Cooper's Mini – a yellow one. Well, I didn't decide on the colour, but Alice thought it was cute that we had matching coloured cars.

When I got home Charlie wasn't there – not that I expected him to be. He was either working, or at Sue's. She kept him fed and out of the diner for the 4 years I wasn't there. I'd have to thank her.

Thinking of Sue made me think of Seth and Leah and in extension the rest of the pack. I wondered how they were, with the Vampires gone for good – or, for a while at least. I was aching to see Quil – I had been far too long with only phone calls and short visits – the last visit being six months ago. Thinking these things, though, made me strangely nostalgic for the days when I was 'catatonic' – during the Edward-free phrase of my life that was enforced upon me.

God, I missed him.

But even after what happened with Edward, I couldn't call him. After all, it's not every day you realise that you're life is the perfect example of a Gothic Novel – with me portraying the perfect 'damsel in distress'.

Oh yeah, I had done my research about Gothic literature. It turns out some of its structures paralleled my life so closely it was scary.

If Vampires weren't enough, then it was entrapment, Damsel in distress, anti-heroes or flawed heroes, darkness and melodrama. Lots and lots of melodrama.

Yep. I could see the title now – _The Memoirs of Bella Swan – A Gothic Novel is disguise._ Not exactly the highlight of my life.

So, I promised myself to change. I would cast off the darkness, the damsel air I held around me, cast off my anti-hero's or the Cullen's.

I would be my own hero. Even if my life story ended up slightly superficial, with me being happy for me, it was better then a melodramatic Goth novel.

Though they had always intrigued me, I didn't want to live one. I had had my share of nightmares- I didn't need anymore.

So, I finished unpacking my belongs – as few as they were, and … wrote.

My time at college made me realise how much of my life was caught up in my boyfriends – the whole two I had ever had – life-or-death scares from Evil vampires, or my school work.

I had no life.

That really surprised my roommates.

Especially once they saw the two pictures of Jacob and Edward I ever displayed publicly.

The Edward one was at the going away party – I was smiling unsurely at the camera, Edward doing his usually, charmingly disarming crooked grin. That was in a slightly gaudy gold frame that he had given me for a present – well, at least snuck it to me and convinced me it was mine. A likely story if there ever was one. That was a few days before the accident.

The Jacob one was from our time in a relationship – we were at First Beach, the Pack spread out along the beach – Sam and Emily holding hands, walking away in the far distance, Quil and Paul were wrestling, Embry and Leah were in a death-staring competition, while Jared took the shot. Jake and I were the only two people in focus.

I was sitting between his legs, turning around at something he had said, while he had his head back, laughing, but his hands protectively around my waist.

That was a week or so before I got the call.

I remember it so clearly, much more clearly then the Edward photo.

Probably because I was truly happy.

_**Flashback**_

"What are Paul and Quil fighting about?" I asked Jake, looking at them fight for what seemed the hundredth time that day.

"Paul was being an ass. Quil's just thumping it into him."

"And Embry?"

"Oh, he thought it would be _fun_ to try and death-stare Leah. I don't he remembers that Leah doesn't even have to try."

"That's true – I don't think I've ever seen Embry concentrate so hard in his life." I said, raising my voice slightly.

"I heard that!" He called back, still death-staring Leah, not even cracking a smile at my jibe.

"Good," I mumbled.

Jake leaned forward and whispered into my ear "Quil is really fighting about the right to hit on you first tonight," while he brushed my breast.

I whipped around, trying to be mad about his blatant pass at me, but he just threw his back and laughed, long and hard. I smacked his chest, getting only him laughing harder and my fingers stinging. He was far too solid for me.

Damn werewolf solidness.

_**End Flashback**_

My roommates Hilary and Annaliese thought it was amazing that I had had two amazing relationships with two such gorgeous men – both of them falling madly for Edward.

At that time, they were welcome to him.

And heck, they still are.

I hadn't realised what I was writing – or well, drawing by then – until it was completed.

It was a forest, well, I assumed it was because of all the trees, and there, on one side was rain, with a shadow there, standing there, it's eyes were practically glowing at me. On the other, sunshine, with another shadow, slightly bigger than the other. But it's eyes didn't glow. They looked…human.

I shook my head. Stupid over-active imagination. I was projecting again.

I had learnt – through some late-night elective classes – that people often project their emotions and desires into dreams. That was probably why I talked in my sleep. I was projecting.

I balled up the picture and threw it at the trash can. I was a little old for sketching if it wasn't by trade.

Yep, I was 23, done the whole college thing, and I was back home.

Who says there were no circles in life?

I grabbed by necessities and went to bathroom. I had a long hot shower. Even though summer was on the way, it was still cold.

I got dressed and stuffed some clothes into a small bag and scribbled a note to Charlie, letting him know I was with Jake 'catching up'.

I put my stuff in the Mini – I called him (it was a he) Oliver. He looked like an Oliver. Possibly an Oscar – and drove back down to Jake's place. I prayed that I remember the way there.

Instead, I ended up in front of Billy's place.

I think Jared and Kim were living there now. God, it brought back memories.

I couldn't remember why Jake hadn't decided to stay there.

But, maybe the memories were too painful for him.

I put the mini in reverse and was about to back out when I saw something I hadn't seen I 4 years.

A werewolf.

A familiar one.

I stopped the car and jumped out of the car.

"Seth?" I asked incredulously.

He was a lot bigger than the fifteen year old I remembered from before I left.

God, he was nineteen now and still phasing.

He cocked his head to one side (reminding me of Hilary who was your typical ditzy blonde – except for the fact she was a musical prodigy) and yipped questioningly at me.

"Seth?"

"Seth? Who is it?" Another familiar voice called form the house.

I turned around and saw Jared standing on the porch, staring at me.

"Bella?" He breathed, but I could hear him.

"Hi," I said meekly.

He grinned at me. "Leah is gonna love this," he called to me and I could have melted. Leah. I wonder if she was still a bitch.

During this whole time Seth had changed back and was wearing the signature cut-offs.

I didn't realise until he crash-tackled me with a hug.

"Bella! You're home!" He said, spinning me around.

"Seth! Can't breathe!" I managed to get out. God, he reminded me of Jake when we were younger.

"Sorry," he said, dropping me and blushing slightly.

"It's alright. Man, you got tall," I told him, craning my head back to look at him.

He grinned. "Yep – and I got ripped as well," he said, flexing his arms. I chuckled. He was still a teenager. I prayed that he never loose that innocence.

"I think that comes with the territory – you know, wolf and all."

He grinned and nodded. "But still, come on! I'm one of the most eligible bachelor's on the Res!"

I grinned and shook my head. "How's Leah?"

"She's mellow, don't worry. She found a man – well, a boy."

"Huh?"

"Well, you know how Quil imprinted on Claire?"

"Yeah,"

"Well, Leah done the same thing – on Sam's son."

"Sam's son?"

"Yeah, Matt."

"How old is Matt?"

"He's about two now."

'How old when…?"

"About 2 days."

"2 _days!_" Wow. I mean, wow. Then I grinned. I remembered all the shit that Leah gave Quil for being a Pedo.

"Has Quil dished it back?"

"Like you wouldn't believe. He makes what Leah did seem like vanilla ice-cream."

I laughed out loud. Leah didn't hold back. "So, I suppose Sam and Emily save on baby-sitting bills?"

"Oh yeah – she and Emily are real close now – closer then before the imprint. She's changed, but she still holds some grudge against you – Jake was a bit…out of it when you left."

"Wait, what?" What had happened that they hadn't told me.

Seth shot Jared a look. Jared sighed. "I'll call Quil and Embry. If they're not with Jacob, they'll come over and tell you all about it. While that's happening, do you wanna come in? Kim's in the middle of planning our wedding."

"You're getting married?"

"In the Summertime baby," he sang cheesily as he walked inside.

Seth walked beside me. "Bella, you're not gonna like what you're gonna hear. It was…painful to say the least."

"I don't understand." What had Jake done?

Seth looked at me, bleakness in his beautiful eyes. "He tried to kill himself."

I stopped, mouth open, staring at him as if the sun had gone out of the sky.

"He WHAT?" I screeched, like a, well, like a girl.

"Bella, to him, you chose _death_ over him – he didn't want to live with that knowledge. But that was towards the end. About two years ago. It didn't start with suicide attempts."

"How did it start?"

"Like it always does in generic Hollywood movies – booze, drugs and girls."

"How bad?"

Seth sighed and scratched his head. "Quil and Embry can tell you more than I can, but, essentially, he went searching for his imprint, when he didn't find that, he went searching for another you. Then it was booze, to forget, then drugs to get over the booze, then girls. Believe it or not, it was Quil who got him off the girls."

I shook my head. Jake was my first – I was his.

"I hope you know I'm gonna kill him."

Seth smiled at me, but it wasn't his trademark one that reached his eyes. "We wouldn't expect anything less. But you know what Bella?"

"What?"

"The turning point for him was after his Billy's death. Quil got him off just before the funeral – he was sober, clean and blue-balled, but he stepped up. The cancer didn't help things with Jake in the beginning – it was just another excuse. But seeing you at the funeral, alive, not undead, _I_ think kept him clean, sober and blue-balled. I mean, he hasn't had any in almost two years - none of it. Not an aspirin, not a celebratory champagne, hasn't even set eyes on a girl. Of course, he hasn't phased – not really – since then either. It's strange. I mean, he's Alpha and all, but."

"Wait, he's Alpha?"

"Have you talked to him yet?" Seth asked me, eyeing me up nervously.

"Kinda. I mean, I've spent the last two days with him – nothing romantic mind you, purely platonic," _As much as I wish it was anything but, _"but he never mentioned this – any of this. He only talked about things since after the funeral."

Seth shook his head. "Then are you in for a surprise."


	3. The Rise and Decline of Jacob Black

**The Rise and Decline of Jacob Black**

**Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive **

~\*/~

"Quil and Embry are on their way over. Bella, take a seat," Jared told me, while Kim asked me whether I preferred tea or coffee.

"Coffee, thanks Kim," I told her. She beamed at me.

Seth sat next to me, looking worried.

I smiled at him, trying to ease his nerves. "Seth, what ever he did, it can't be…as bad as things might have been, alright? He's still living."

"Just," Jared muttered from the kitchen.

Seth glared at him. "Let her hear it in order – so you don't confuse her."

Jared nodded and hugged Kim from behind.

I looked around the house that what so familiar to me. I ached to go and see Jake's old bedroom, but that was impossible – it wasn't his house anymore – I had no more right to do that than Jake to use a spare set of keys to a car he had worked on three years ago.

Life didn't work like that.

I just settled into the couch when Quil and Embry walked in.

God, it was like seeing my past come alive. They hadn't changed much –Embry still unbulky in comparison to his brothers, and Quil still looked like he had six months ago. They looked older than what they were – they had to only be about 21. But they looked like a set of therapists at the loony bin after a tough day at work – dark circles under their eyes, strain etched into their every movement that was probably so commonplace now that it didn't even register, their shoulders more hunched than I remember, and their eyes, once warm and inviting, were closed windows, showing nothing.

"Bella? So it is you." Embry said, loping over to me.

I stood up, and he hugged me close.

Quil grinned at me "Heya Bellsy babe!" He practically hollered in my ear. "It's been what, six months? You haven't changed a bit!" He pulled me into a tight hug, his hands naturally coming to rest on my ass.

"Keep it to yourself Quil – Otherwise I'll tell Claire and she'll really go mad."

He sighed. "I know – but it was fun while it lasted!"

I shook my head and claimed my seat on the lounge once more.

Everyone in the room gave us a perplexed look, before Embry cleared his throat.

"So, what's this all about?" He asked Jared.

"Bella wants to know what happened to Jacob after the fight," Jared told him, handing me my coffee while shooing Seth over so he could sit down.

"Damage control?" Quil asked.

"Yeah, something like that." I told him, taking a sip."You didn't tell me anything."

He held up his left hand "Pack code – sorry Bellsy."

"Well," Embry stated, finality in his voice. "You've been town for what, two days?"

I nodded confirmation

"And you're already sticking your nose. Sounds like old Bella," Quil said, earning himself a punch from Seth.

"Well, we'll start after the battle. What we tell is our own observations and some of what Jake thought – he didn't phase much after you picked Cullen and basically lived at his place. I think our sympathy,"

"And Leah's bitching about you," Quil added. Seth shot him a dirty look. "What? It's true! Your sister was a bitch!"

"Made the whole situation worse," Embry continued, ignoring the glaring match that Quil and Seth now had going.

Jared, grinned and motioned for Kim to come over.

Kim glanced at Seth and Quil, grinned in reply, and walked over to them. Before either of them registered her approach she brought their head together with a dull thud. They both recoiled, holding their foreheads, all thoughts of killing each other gone.

"Please continue," Kim said sweetly to Embry. He smiled up at her before looking back at me.

"Well okay. After the Cullen-bomb dropped, he was, well Zombie-like. He didn't think, it didn't seem like it registered, anything. He sort of just done what he usually did – patrols, eating sleeping. That was his life. School wasn't a distraction, if he even went. He was, from what we've heard from Billy from Charlie, like you were after Cullen left you – living the motions, merely existing. He had nothing left to live for."

My heart bled for him – I knew what he had went through – but I had caused it, so I knew how both Jake _and_ Edward felt. It was an odd moment to say the least.

I nodded at him. "Go on."

"Well, after the Farewell party,"

"Which you guys crashed," I interjected, causing Quil to grin at me. Stupid werewolf.

"He told us that he was going away for a bit, to clear his head. We didn't really need him as much in the pack- the threats had been resolved as far as we were concerned. Not to be callous, but we didn't need to worry about the Italian Vampires since you were leaving."

"But that didn't stop Jake from going all the same." Jared picked up from where Embry paused. "He told us that he was taking the Rabbit and going south for a bit. Well, after about a week, someone rang Billy – a guy from a bar. Jake had been totally wasted since the moment he rocked up. The barman needed someone to move him and pay his tab. Well, Billy obviously couldn't go – him in a wheelchair and all. So Quil, Embry and I decided to go – Sam was busy with Emily and settling dates for the engagement party and the wedding and such. They had less than two years now, and Emily hadn't really started a thing."

"That's when Leah started to hang out more with Leah. It calmed her a bit, to be doing something instead of worrying about Vampires or Jake or anything like that." Seth explained.

I nodded.

"Jake was someplace in California by then – it was a long road trip." Jared continued.

"Why didn't you run? I mean, wouldn't it have been quicker?" I asked. The thought of Jared Quil and Embry crammed into one car was comical – like clowns in the tiny cars at the circus.

"It would have been, but we had to appear as normal as possible – our physical appearance draws us enough attention as it is – without a car, coming from Washington State would have looked more than just suspicious – not even the 'we hitchhiked our way' excuse would do. And, we though Jake would have lost the Rabbit – lost it, pawned it or had it stolen."

"Billy gave us the money – the money from Jake's last car job. It was about $300. Billy thought that would have been enough. He was sorry that he couldn't have given us gas money, but he was stretched thin before Jakes transformation. Afterwards, with Jake's growth spurts, they were lucky to eat."

I looked up at him shocked. I knew Billy and Jake weren't rich, but dirt-floor poor?

"Don't worry, we look after our own on the Res. Why do you think we were always at Emily's? She worked four days a week on a good Salary. She could afford to feed us regularly. Sue helped out a lot once she found out about Seth and Leah – she had a lot of money left over from Harry's funeral, that and we all get government handouts – the elders do, anyways. Most of that went into feeding and clothing us wolves." Quil explained, helping himself to the coffee pot.

"Getting back on track, Jake was so boozed up he didn't even know which foot was his. He was a wreck. His eyes were dead, he swayed and his head lolled on the side. It was a miracle that he hadn't phased or something equally stupid. So we settled the Tab - $289 worth of booze he had consumed in the one bar – that wasn't his first bar either. He got into some fights along the way, got thrown out of a lot of them – all of them. The way it was explained to us, was that hookers had helped him to that bar – _hookers_ for crying out loud. He was seventeen!" Jared seethed. Kim put a hand on his shoulder, comforting him.

Embry continued on. "We managed to get a room for the night – that and a lot of coffee. Alcohol effects werewolves differently. We naturally have a high threshold, so for Jake to be that drunk meant that he would have to drink like, eight fulls kegs almost straight before he was even close."

I swore my eyes bugged out of my head about then, the same time my mouth must have hit the floor. I mena, I could hold my own, college does that – I even outdrank Quil at my college graduation (my roommate was from the south where drinking is a state-recognized sport).

"Yeah – our reactions as well." Quil muttered, drinking deeply from his mug.

"He kept repeating over and over 'She's gone. Bella's gone. Stupid bloodsucker, taking my girl off me. Not playing fair. She's gone,' it was depressing! It was like he had lost half his body, half his mind. We took shifts that night to make sure that he didn't pass out and drown in his own drool. The next morning however, Jake wasn't in better condition. It was like he was never coming off the drunkenness. But, we shoved him into the Rabbit – it was around the corner – his wallet stolen, the Bartender had his phone, but he still had the keys. Quil drove him back. Halfway he swapped with me. Jared stayed in his Truck."

"Why didn't Paul or Sam come as well?"

"Well, Sam was on Wedding duty," Embry explained.

"Cough, cough, whipped, cough," Quil said, grinning at Jared, who simply smacked him up the side of the head.

"Paul and Seth were with Colin and Brady – the newbies. They were fourteen, and hadn't been involved in the Pack for too long, so they didn't get the whole Jake and Bella thing. That and they had to be formerly introduced into the Pack – Tattoo, Bon fire with Elders and all of that. So they had pack responsibilities. If Jake hadn't done a runner, he would have helped out as well and there would have been a whole big party – he could have gotten plastered with friends instead of hookers. But he wasn't thinking, he was hurting." Jared told me.

"What about Leah? I mean, I know she was with Emily and all, but she can be pretty…vocal…about this kinda stuff, especially relationship stuff."

"Well she had words with him before the runner – she wouldn't tell us what it was so Seth had to go mind-digging." Quil explained.

Seth shook his head, a look of pure disgust and mortification on his face. "Never again."

"What did she tell him?" I asked Seth.

"Something along the lines of 'if she's walks away, let her go.' It was messed up to us, but then again, we're all clinically insane. Jake was off his face, and Leah was…mental, I think was how Sam put it."

"Wait, so you got him back here? Jake, I mean." I asked, slightly confused.

"Yeah, we did – took us almost a week and eight gallons of coffee and like, twenty packets of full-strength aspirin, not to mention the cold showers." Quil continued. "When we got back, Jake was restless, edgy. We didn't realize he had pills on him until it was too late – he was starting to get hooked on them. We asked a doctor about them and about him – he said that it was probably best to try and ween him off, like you would an animal off its mother of something."

"That part was scary," Seth chipped in. "I mean, most of us – Sam, Paul and I, not to mention Leah and Colin and Brady had no idea what was going with Jake – he was edgy, and depressed and angry all the time – worse than Leah was when she first changed. You couldn't look him in the eye without him snapping at you. He threw a punch at Leah once. Sam had to order him to stay away from her and the imprints then. I mean, Jake's built – he packs a punch."

"But you see, we were running of drugs faster than we could ween him. We were down to the last two when he snapped – Billy told him – told all of us – that he had terminal Cancer. Not even the latest treatment could help him. The experimental shit would cost him the house, all the cars, and probably an organ or two on the black market. That was close to October then. Billy had about a year or so then." Jared continued.

"Jake was stable – clean and sober – for about a month or two, until Thanksgiving. He was edgy all the time then, like the drugs had messed with his fuse or something. Thanksgiving Day was the last straw. Leah, Seth and Sue had just arrived with Charlie when he started yelling at Billy."

"He said things like 'what is there to be grateful for? Mum's dead, you'll be dead, I'm a freak among freaks, the love of my life just leaves me for a fucking leech! I'm messed up and I like it! I like the feeling!' and then he storms past us all and that was the last we heard from until April, I think. Billy was real bad then, but Emily and Sam had their wedding anyway. It was really pretty too – according to Leah, it was 'the most romantic thing since Billy and Sarah' as if she would remember – she wasn't even born!" Seth snorted. I smiled softly – at least Seth hadn't changed in his disdain for Leah's antics – he never was a big fan of her pretentious attitude it I remember correctly.

"But I thought Jake was there for the wedding," I stated, confused.

"He rocked up for the ceremony and some of the after party – doped up with some tramp draping herself all over him. That was the start of the 'Next-Bella' phase as we dubbed it." Quil winked at me. "He blew by every other week, with a different girl – they all were small with brown hair and brown eyes – some you could tell wore contacts or had died their hair, but they all had to have that. We think he was determined to find his imprint in a Bella-look-alike. The pack came to the unanimous decision then - intervention. We took his phone, keys, wallet and clothes off him – he couldn't run anywhere. Everyday we had someone on 'Jake-duty'. We succeeded in keeping him off the drugs and alcohol, but the girls were a lot harder – once they found out where he was, they must have told their friends, because there was a different one everyday – they didn't even have any resemblance to you – there was this one chick, she had platinum blonde hair, blue eyes, the biggest tits I'd ever seen,"

Jared, Kim and Seth slapped Quil then, indicating him to shut up. I grinned. Quil was always on the receiving end. That hadn't changed. It was exactly the same with Hilary and Annie.

"So, we had Leah stay with him then, with strict orders of no more words of wisdom, and to keep the girls away. I've never seen her more angry – she cleared out the girls like a bats out of hell"

"She got enough practise with Sam. If any girl – or even a queer-looking guy so much as glanced at him she was on their ear like they had molested him or something." Seth grumbled. "She wonders where I got my bad mouth from – I got it from her."

"That was about five months since the wedding. Emily was heavily pregnant – she had just found out it was twins when Billy had to go to hospital. By then, the oxygen tank was permanently strapped to his chair, the mask like another part of him. Jake had been clean and sober for about two months, blue balled for about one. Billy and Charlie joked about breaking Billy out to go fishing. Jake didn't say anything, ever. He was silent. Charlie was a permanent attachment to Billy's side. Jake was like another version of himself – not like he was with you, not like he was after. It was like he was _almost_ Jake – like he had to remember what made him who he was. He started to phase again – just once in a blue moon – he couldn't leave Billy's side." Jared continued the story. It was very interesting. I remember visiting around that time – I remember the oxygen tank. The lack of Charlie.

"Then Billy had a scare. Jake flew off the handle again. You have to understand, his sole reason for being…well, alive and only half-mad was Billy. The scare pushed him too far – he attempted suicide – many times over. That's the problem with being a werewolf – you heal too quickly for anything to do you any real harm. He tried the 'normal' routes – wrists, stabbing, hanging, all of that stuff, in the matter of a few hours. He then found a steam roller and was about to throw himself under it – no joke, you could see the calculating look in his eyes. He was about to run for it when Emily – Emily, who was five-months pregnant with twins, an Imprint – ran over to him and told him – _screamed_ at him that Billy was all right. He didn't believe her, naturally. But she grabbed a lead pipe and whacked him over the head with all her might. She was crying her eyes out, screaming at him to stop being so stupid, so selfish. That he had responsibilities to the Pack, to the Tribe, to Billy. Boy was she laying into him – I mean, really laying into him. She was hitting harder than he could heal – he was bruised for a day or two afterwards, but after that, things were better. Of course, Emily was put into 'solitary confinement' – she was emotionally raw, and angry and shamed that it was her that had to whack it into his thick head to get over it."

"She lost one of the babies," Jared murmured, and Kim rubbed his shoulders comfortingly.

"About a week later, Billy passed on – he was sleeping, probably dreaming about the fish he had last caught. Jake was calm and collected then – he had hit the two month mark for blue-balls, three for clean and sober. There were no more flare ups until the funeral." Embry continued.

"What happened there? I mean, I was there – he seemed fine – changed form when I had left, but still Jake."

"We all believe that seeing you, human, alive, really kicked it into him – that he was being selfish. Sam had words with Charlie – he didn't want you to know what happened to him. That would have thrown things out a bit – it have been that year over again once you had to leave. Charlie agreed that you were too close to Jake to know at the time what he had gone through. Did he say anything to you at the funeral?" Embry asked.

I sat back, remembering quite clearly.

_**Flashback**_

"Bella, it's good to see you," Jake mumbled to me. My heart broke all over again, just seeing him. I couldn't tell him about what Edward did – Jake looked like he had enough on his plate without me adding to it. I mean, he was now an orphan.

I hugged him tightly. "You too," I whispered.

"How's college going for you?"

"It's different, new. Good."

"That's good."

"How have things been?"

His lips quirked up, as if I said something amusing. "Well, better, I s'pose."

I nodded, not quite understanding – his father had just died, how could he be 'better'?

"I'll talk to you later." He said, suddenly angry.

He was about to storm off when I caught his arm.

"What?" He snapped, and I pulled back, shaken. This wasn't my Jake – this was Sam's Jake.

"Someone asked me just a few minutes ago, if I knew you," I said, tears streaming down my face. "And it broke my heart to say 'I used to'. Jake, I,"

"I don't want to hear it Bella," he grumbled. "I'm not good anymore. Things are different from two years ago."

And he walked off, shaking under his black shirt.

And I walked off, crying.

_**End Flashback**_

"We talked for a few seconds – he asked about College, said that things were different from before. I didn't understand then – it's a bit clearer now." I sat back, still trying to piece it together.

"What happened then? After the funeral? You said that he was getting better." I asked, to keep the story going – I could figure it out later. On my own.

"Hey, he hasn't touched any of that shit since – not an aspirin, not a glass of champagne, hasn't looked twice at a girl since then. He started phasing again – taking more part of the pack. Brady was the last to Phase, no other kids were even close to being old enough to even consider them phasing. Sam decided, that after about six months, that Jake was Stable enough to step up to the Alpha position like he was supposed to – Sam had Matty by then. Leah stopped phasing soon after Sam did – She had Matthew. Of course, she baby-sits Lori as well – you can't keep Lori and Matt away from each other – they're as close as physically possible. Lori's their second kid. She was born about ten months after Matty. Only Leah can pry Matt away, and Only Sam can take Lori – Emily is feeling right put out – her babies don't need her, really. Lori is the splitting image of Emily before the accident, so much so that I think Sam feel even more in love with his daughter because of it. Emily's pregnant again – she's hoping one she can have to herself."

I chuckled. It felt good, after all the talk of death and destruction.

"Jake's been on the straight and narrow for good – he got his GED by correspondence. The dad-dying thing is a pretty good excuse for getting leniency. He's working at the Res mechanic's now on an apprenticeship." Quil said, looking at Kim with a question in his eyes.

She sighed. "Fridge, second shelf." Quil was up in a second. "SHARE!" She yelled after him.

"Awwwww, but I'm hungry!"

"Then learn to cook yourself! Now, offer one to Bella, and Seth and Embry before you have one."

Quil came out, looking glum, and handed around a plate of chocolate cookies.

"Hey, can you eat Chocolate? I mean, dogs can't," I blushed – the question was legit, but it sounded a lot better in my head.

Jared, Quil and Embry erupted in laughter. Seth chuckled. "It's alright so long as we're human – Quil has a soft spot for it, because he can only have it some of the time."

I grinned, the blush not receding anytime soon.

"So, anything else you wanna know?" Jared asked, his laughter receding first.

"Nothing else happened to Jake?"

"Nah – he's been good. We keep tabs on him though. No alcohol goes anywhere near him. For bonfires and stuff we have strict orders to keep it at home, or at least far away from him. But, that might change, with you here."

"So what's been going on with you? You here for a visit? Or something more permanent?" Seth asked, genuinely curious

"Well, there is a job opening up at the Res School next semester, I'm applying for that. I've got the qualification for it, but not the experience."

"I'm sure Jake will drop some hints to the council – they get a say in it, after all. It's not official, but they usually sway it. Heck, we'll probably drop hints if it's looking good, well, safe, between you and Jake." Jared told me, almost absently.

"Thanks."

"Hey Bella," Quil began, stuffing his face with cookies. "Why aren't you, you know, a leech? Or at least married to one? I don't mean to be blunt, but I've never had a way with words. And you promised, on a number of occasions, to tell me. Your six month deadline is up sweetie."

"I noticed." I said dryly. "Ok, here are the basics: There was…an incident a few months after we left. So I went off to college in Arizona, and I haven't really heard from most of them since – they paid for my tuition, gave me money and stuff for my birthdays and Christmas, but I haven't talked to anyone of them in a while – except Alice, because she insists on going shopping with me and Emmet, because I'm funny. But even that stopped about 9 months ago."

"Funny?" Seth asked.

"Well, I fall down a lot. Emmet finds this extremely amusing."

"It is," Quil said, as if it was common knowledge.

"Can I hit him?" Embry asked me eagerly. I grinned and nodded.

"Hey no fair!" Quil shouted as everyone bar me layed into him.

"Stop complaining. Bella, come with me, I'll give you directions to Emily's and to Jake's new place." Kim said, walking over to the kitchen bench

I got up and walked after her.

Jake and I had a lot to talk about the next time I saw him

~/*\~

_Ok, this is the last remastering note thingy. _

_In the next few chapters, we find out exactly what happened to Jake and Bella, with a Chapter in which they meet up – Billy's funeral. I know, I'm a horrible person, but I had inadvertently written Jake into a rut, and Billy's metaphoric sacrifice would be an excellent back-door route to get him out of it._

_I'm not into ghost stoires, so no shadowy blue-guys will be appearing, but flashback definitely._


	4. Down the Hole

**Down The Hole**

_Jake's story – up till the funeral._

~/*\~

**Best Friend is 10 Letters Long, but then again, so is Lying Bitch**

~\*/~

**Jake POV (A week after Bella Left)**

She was gone.

Gone.

With the leech, that bloodsucker.

Doesn't she know that he's so much more dangerous than me? I mean, I could hurt her physically, but she'd survive – he would either turn her into one of them, a sparkling Popsicle, or kill her.

There was no chance in hell that he'd keep her human. She was a 'liability' human, I suppose. Those Italian Vampires would change her if they didn't – it's not fun being the only mortal in the world and wars of the supernatural.

But God I missed her.

Her smile, her smell, the touch of her fingers over my skin – any part, really.

Sure, it brought back memories of before – the Summer of Jake and Bells. Of wild, carefree laughter and smiles, of kisses and sex – amazing sex.

We were each others first – something that both surprised and delighted me. If I had been with Bella as long as the leech had, I would have had ravished her the moment the opportunity presented itself.

At least I had the one thing that he could never take from me – her virginity.

The memories of her small, perfect body beneath me though, of the electricity that we shared from just a simple touch, or look, were painful now.

The feelings were amplified when I saw that she no longer had that with _him_. What we had was special – she wasn't supposed to be with him, she was supposed to be with me.

It didn't matter now though – she was gone, for good. She couldn't come back now, if she turned.

Stupid bloodsucker – taking _my_ Bella off me.

"Son, Charlie's on the phone for you," Billy said softly, breaking me out of my angry reverie.

I grumbled and picked up the phone. "Hullo?"

"Hi Jake. Bella just called," he told me cautiously, as if I was about to bolt. But I wasn't going to. At least, not yet.

"How is she?" I asked, trying to keep the malice out of my voice.

"She's good – they're all down near New York. She's having a great time."

New York. In winter – rain and snow. I bet they'll all love it there. Not many animal s- but maybe they thought to break her in slowly to the animal diet? Start with humans and work her way down?

God, just the mention of her name had me in turmoil – the thought of her as a bloodsucker…

"I bet she is, lots of great libraries there." I said, my voice dull to me now.

"She wanted me to ask – can she call you?"

I snorted. "She can try – school starts soon, you know."

"I know – so does she. She wants to know that if she calls, you'll pick up – her words, not mine."

"No, I don't think that would be a good idea."

"Can she write?"

"Tell her to save the paper." I told him sharply. "I'll put you back onto Billy now," I said, handing Dad the phone before running outside.

Instead of having Quil or Embry there – the dickheads with their sympathy. Like they would know what I'm going through. Instead, it was Leah.

Yeah, I know. I was preparing myself for a royal yelling at.

"You sorry dickhead," she said, smiling cruelly at me. "Poor Bella left you. For good this time it seems. You didn't think that she would choose you while she had that rich, sparkling statue did you?"

"Shut it Leah. I don't need you and bitchiness now." I snapped at her.

I sat down on the porch steps, head in hands.

She sat down next to me. "Hey, I have to put my two cents in – you know me. But, just a word from all of us non-Alphas – next time you phase, try to keep the Bella mourning to yourself. Seriously – even _I'm_ missing her – and you know how much I _loved_ Bella Swan."

"Why should I care about what you think? You're just a callous blunt bitch who needs to get laid." I snarled – I know I was probably over-doing it, but was true.

"Fine. You don't want me here, I get it, but just know this Black,"

She said my name like it was poison. I glared up at her.

"What?"

"If she's stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let her go."

And she was gone.

I sat there for a few minutes, stewing over her words. How could I let her go? All I've ever wanted for as long as I could remember, was to have Bella Swan as mine. Even while she was with the Bloodsucker – before I even knew what he was – I still wanted her to be mine.

And now, Leah just wants me to 'let her go'? What crazy shit was that?

It's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up, especially when it's everything you've ever, ever, ever wanted.

I wasn't going to give up on her, not until I knew she was cold, rock solid, _undead_. I had promised her that – and I never break a promise, especially when it's Bella.

But who was I kidding? She was probably holed up in Antarctica or the Himalayas or some other hell-hole, just waiting for Cullen to bite her neck.

I shifted then. Sam was on patrol.

_Jake,_ he said by way of greeting.

_I'm gonna go away for a bit. You don't need me now, with the leeches gone and Colin and Brady taking more duty and all. _I said quickly, while the idea was in my head.

_Go Jake – just, tell Billy this time. He freaked out last time, not that he let on to anyone. But you could see it._

_Right-o. I won't be phasing while I'm away, so save yourself the command._

I phased back then, and told Dad that I was going away for a bit.

"Where?"

"I'm thinking no more than D.C. That's far enough, right?" I said, sarcasm sneaking into my voice.

Billy shook his head. "Whatever Jake – just call me once you get away. This old man still worries about you."

I nodded, and went to my room. I grabbed my shorts – I was down to about five. Great.

I grabbed my wallet, phone and keys – most of which hadn't been moved from their place on the dresser since I got them.

I threw my stuff in the back of the Rabbit – I really needed a bigger car. This was just ridiculous. I was about 6'6, 6'7. In a Rabbit. Comical, yes. – Practical? Hardly.

I got out onto the highway, and just drove.

I filled up whenever I had too, but that was it. I wasn't stopping until I saw a bar or a brothel. Either one had alcohol and chicks.

Not that I wanted a chick – the only woman I wanted was Bella, with her long brown hair and warm chocolate brown eyes and her strawberry-and-cream complexion, that blush that was almost ever-present.

Her smile, which would automatically make me smile back.

God I missed her.

Stupid, filthy, fucking leech.

What right did he have to take Bella way from this life? Out of my life, Charlie's, her mum's. What mystical power did he possess to let that happen? She didn't even marry him before she left. That would have been an excuse.

Of course, Bella couldn't lie to herself about that – she didn't want to get married straight out of high school. She wasn't that kinda girl.

The one thing that I liked most about her since she got back with Cullen, was that she was more assertive now – she fought him.

A lot.

That was good – she wasn't putting up with his shit anymore.

She even knocked back the flash Mercedes – the one that was missile-proof – in favour for her old truck. She was going to keep it as long as possibly could. She would probably wall-mount parts of it.

That thought made me smile. That was so _Bella. _

I drove and drove and drove. I didn't pull over to sleep – after the schedule that Sam had us on, this was easy as cake.

I was in some small dead-end town when I first saw her – the first girl outside of Forks.

She had chestnut hair that glinted slightly in the sunlight. Her eyes – a warm blue – were pretty, I s'pose. But she wasn't Bella. That thought was depressing.

So I drove on.

**(A few days later, in California)**

I love alcohol. It's man's best friend.

Boy was I pissed.

I love alcohol.

But Bella was still ever-present on my mind.

"Hey honey, you need some company tonight?" A big-chested red-head asked me. She had brown eyes.

Like Bella.

"How much you charge?" I asked, my voice raspy.

"For you sweet cheeks, nothing. You look like you could show a girl a good time." She fluttered her eyes flirtatiously.

I nodded and left some notes on the bar while I showed her to the Rabbit.

We got to the hotel room, making out like there was no tomorrow.

She was aggressive, sucking at my bottom lip, wrapping her legs and arms around my body.

I shoved her onto the small motel bed.

_She shyly looked up at me, as our kisses grew more heated. I kissed down her neck as she wrapped her hands in my hair, running them back and forth, making me harder with every touch._

_Electricity was bouncing off of us when I picked her up, her legs hooking behind me. I swiftly walked backwards, falling onto the bed. Bella looked up at me, smiling and blushing._

"_I love you," I whispered to her._

"_Love you too," she whispered back, kissing down my neck, my chest._

I pounced, kissing her with renewed energy. I sucked down her jaw line, her neck as she tanked off my shirt, lightly running her hands over my 8 pack.

_Bella ran her hands over my chest, feeling every contour, every individual muscle. I was glad that I never wore shirts. _

"So well built, so flawless," She murmured.

"_You're beautiful Jake," she told me as I pushed the hair out of her face._

_I gently lifted the shirt off her. "No Bells, you are," I whispered back, drinking in the sight of her._

I ripped the slutty dress off of her – literally – and kissed down her chest, caressing each breast before sucking it gently.

_She was soft, and I kissed every inch of skin I could get at. I flipped her so I was on top, to get better access. She grabbed my head and dragged it closer to her._

"_Jake," she murmured._

I snapped the bra off her body, watching her large breasts spring forth. I teased one nipple, while kissing the other.

"Yessss," she hissed.

She undid my pants, while I ripped the g-string off her, swapping nipples.

_I took off her bra while she made quick work of my pants. I took off her jeans and drank in the sight of her._

_She tried to cover herself, but I held her hand._

"_Don't Bells, you're beautiful." I kissed her then, deeply, passionately, and she kissed back like it was her last moment on earth._

_I ran my hands gently down her sides, feeling every silky inch of skin, down to her panties. I gently slid them off, kissing her with even more passion._

She ripped off my boxers – payback for the dress I suppose.

My hard-on was raging now.

The hooker grinned and kissed me there, quickly, on its head.

I almost came right then. She slowly kissed down my shaft, before sucking on it, putting as much in her mouth as possible.

She swirled her tongue around it, and it twitched in anticipation. She grazed her teeth along it as she took her mouth away from it.

Payback, I thought evilly. I pushed her against the headboard, and kissed her thighs, making her moan.

_Her fingers shyly wrapped around my shaft, and I bucked into her, making the bed move slightly._

"_Bella," I hissed, feeling the ecstasy of the small move._

"_You're so…big."_

"_Bigger than Cullen?" I smirked – I bet I was. I was bigger than just about all the pack – only Sam came in bigger and only because he was Alpha. And 20 something._

"_I wouldn't know – we never… I never,"_

_Oh God, was she? No, she couldn't…could she?_

"_I'm a virgin, Jake," she whispered to me._

_I grinned. Finally – something that we were equal on. I kissed her with more vigour then_

My mouth edged closer and closer to her centre.

God, she was so wet already.

I licked her juices then, but she didn't taste like Bella. I swirled my tongue inside of her. She tasted good, all the same.

I kissed up her belly, up her chest, neck to her mouth as I stuck to fingers inside.

She hissed in pleasure.

"More," she hissed.

"_Jake, that's alright, right?" She asked, a nervous edge to her voice._

"_Honey, that's perfect," I whispered to her. "This is gonna hurt though," _

_I almost shyly snuck a finger inside her. She was so tight._

"_Oohh, Jake," she hissed._

"_That's feel good Bells?" I asked, a little sardonic._

"_Yeessss,"_

I put in another finger, pushing forwards and backwards, my other hands gently pinching her clit.

She moaned. "More, faster, harder,"

"_Faster Jake," she murmured. I put in another finger- another hiss of pleasure._

_I couldn't take it anymore – I had to know what she felt like._

_I took out my fingers, Bella pouting at the sudden loss of contact._

Demanding, this hooker.

But, I complied. Another finger, I pinched her harder, rubbed her faster.

She moaned then, I could feel her walls start to convulse around my fingers.

"I need you, now," she hissed.

"_Jake, I _need_ you," she moaned._

_I lifted myself up then, and gingerly pressed myself into her wet sex._

_She moaned – from pain this time, no doubt. _

"_I'm sorry," I whispered, as a tear spilled form her eye._

"_It's fine Jake, I need you – all of you, inside me, now!"_

I withdrew my fingers quickly and shoved myself into her, while she sucked my fingers.

She moaned out loudly then, and she rode the waves of her orgasm over my hard.

_I complied – who was I to deny my Bella?_

_I gently pushed myself into, until I swore I would come out her mouth, she moaned – pleasure, definitely._

_I started to rock gently, in and out, just slowly._

"_Faster, Jake," she whispered._

_I was all too willing by that time._

_Just moments later, I was pounding into her, both of us moaning each others names._

_I was in pure heaven._

_I felt her walls constrict then._

"_Jake, I'm gonna…" she moaned_

_Her Orgasm hit, her head flipped backwards – she was seeing stars – I was too._

_As her waves rolled over my hard cock, I came, spilling into her._

I few moments later while she still having after-shocks, I came into her.

Spent and soft, I pulled out.

_I was soft inside of her; I didn't move to take myself out of her._

"_I'm sorry Bells. I love you,"_

"_I love you too," she murmured, kissing my cheek._

"_Did it hurt much?"_

"_Not really, after the first part," she blushed then._

_Of all times to blush, she chose _after_ our love-making_

She wasn't tight, gorgeous, or shy – she wasn't Bella. But she scratched my itch.

_That was Bella for you though._

"That was… extraordinary," she murmured, kissing my chest.

"Yeah, it was," I murmured back.

She fell asleep a short time later.

_We fell asleep then, after I slowly pulled out of her. She pouted slightly in her dreams, at the loss of contact, but when I wrapped my arms around her, she smiled – literally, _smiled_ in her sleep._

_I ran my fingers gently along her arm then – she was so beautiful, all flushed and sweaty._

_Gorgeous._

But I couldn't. I couldn't help but feel as if I had betrayed her – Bella – some how. Even though I knew that she was probably doing the exact same thing with _Eddie-poo_ at that moment, I felt as if I had betrayed her.

I needed more beer.

I was kicked out of that bar that night – the hooker still sleeping in my bed.

Stupid red-neck, thinking I was hitting on his girl.

As if I would – she looked too much like Leah for me to do that.

Didn't stop either of us from throwing punches though.

I still had my phone, wallet and keys in these shorts – everything else was upstairs from the now barred-bar.

Great.

I jumped into the Rabbit and edged up the road. Another bar, another girl.

Another Beer.

Just what I needed.

**(A few days later – a few hours before the 'search-and-rescue' team find him)**

I love these silly people – who challenge me – a werewolf (though they don't know that) to a drinking match? I can drink any one of them under table. I did a number of them.

Funny as hell. I love being not sober.

Hmm. Drunk.

Stupid tolerance level – even when completely off my face, I can still think clearly.

Maybe I should start with tequila shots now.

Hey, a brunette – fluttering her eyelashes at me.

Just for a moment, I saw Bella. But it was gone.

Some big guy – by normal people standards anyway – walks up next to me. He couldn't have been any bigger Seth – and Seth was still a kid.

"You look like you could use a pick up," he murmured, pulling some little white pills in a small plastic bag into my hand. "First ones on the house. Start with one – two could kill you."

Yeah, right.

**(Minutes later – after taking both pills)**

I was dieing.

All because of Bella.

"Give me another," I slurred to bar man. He filled my shot glass again – all three of them, actually.

How nice. How _really _nice. I bet he knew Bella.

She would give me all three shots.

Like a doctor.

Maybe I could be a doctor? Go to college.

Hmm, College. Bella would be 'going there now'

Right.

"She's gone."

"Who is?" the bartender asked me kindly. He had brown eyes – like my Bella.

"Bella. My beautiful, gorgeous Bella. Stupid leech, taking my girl off me. He left her. Left her for dead. Than he prances off to Italy, to kill himself and she _has_ to go and save him – because he's the great Edward Cullen!"

"She dumped you for her ex? Low blow, mate,"

Hmm, he sounded Australian – they said 'mate' and shit all the time.

"Yup," I took a shot – by now, the pretty colours around his head captured my attention **(To normal, undrugged and sober people, this would commonly be known as a TV Jacob honey)**

My head lolled to one side.

Where was the druggo man? He had some goooooood shit.

"Hey! My man!" I said loudly. Wow – I could hear it echo in my head.

Maybe there was nothing up there like Leah said.

"What is it?" he asked in a low voice.

"I need some more shiiiiiiiiit." I whispered back. This was fun.

I have him all I had in my wallet – it was like, three hundred dollars, but who cared. Bella was dead, so I might as well.

He stuffed the pills – about fifteen of the little white suckers into hand.

"Don't OD on me man. You're the best customer I've had tonight."

I nodded and went back to my stool.

Ha – stool.

Stool was shit.

Shit – that's what I felt like.

I had my other two shots, and the bar guy filled me up – those three were gone as well.

"She's gone. Stupid bloodsucker. Taking the love of my life. She's gone."

"Oh my God," someone said form behind me.

Hmm – he sounded just liked Embry.

Cool – voices in my head as well.

I felt myself being picked up then.

I cried put – the bartender was a nice fulla. He wouldn't kick me out, right?

"Jake, man, you okay in there?" Hey – Quil's head. Cool – pictures again.

I poked it, and his face changed. His eyes got big.

"Whoa – freaky," I poked him again. This time his mouth got big.

"He's wasted and stoned." Embry's voice again – maybe, if I got real creative I could think of –

"Put him in the car anyway – try and keep him lucid."

Whoa – I am awesome. I was just thinking of thinking of Jared, and he spoke. Awesome.

I felt myself sit down again – what a pretty colour. I like that colour. It's the same colour of the inside of my Rabbit.

Awesome.

Jacob Black – God in disguise.

Whoa – I can get the seat to move as well.

I have super powers now.

But I don't wanna show the voices. They'll take me to Bella. And then I might do something stupid – like kill her hubby-poo and then rape her.

But, you can't rape the willing can you?

"_Bella, is it Rape, if the person is willing?"_

"_No, that's just rough sex Jake. You should know that by now." She flashed me a flirtatious smile, and my mouth captured hers, enjoying the sensation of her willingness_

Ah, Bella. My smart, Bella.

Shit.

Maybe the seat wasn't supposed to move – cause now I was gonna be sick.

What was this shit these fuckheads were feeding me? It smelt like coffee, and was hot like coffee, but it couldn't be coffee.

Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold!

Were they trying to freeze my arse off or something?

I needed a pill.

I need to revel in my misery.

Misery Business.

Paramore.

What an awesome song.

I wonder if they had super powers like I do?

I sat back down on my seat – it wasn't working. No, wait.

There we go.

I have the power.

I laughed then.

Power.

Me.

More coffee.

More freaking cold showers.

Another Pill.

And Super powers were back.

Hangover's suck – especially when you're a wolf. It's the one thing that doesn't heal quickly.

That – and a broken heart.

I'll take a pill.

It'll be fine.

Not happy.

Quil took my pills.

He took away my super powers.

How dare him! I'm bigger then he is!

"I'll get you for this Quil!" I hollered at his back. "Come back and fight like a man!"

Embry smacked my head then.

I swear my brain rolled around my head.

"Shut it Jake, before Sam tells you off as well."

Embry dragged me to a doctor.

At least it wasn't Doctor Fang.

"What's the problem, Jake?" He asked. Blue eyes. Nothing like Bella.

"I have stupid fucking friends." I murmured, earning myself a slap from Embry.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fan-fucking-tastic." I said, louder this time.

"What did your friends do."

"Took away my super powers."

"The pills?"

"My super powers."

Maybe Doc knew – maybe he had super powers as well?

"Quil is gonna hold onto your super powers for a while – so you don't run out of them. You wouldn't want that, would you?"

I shook my head. So my fucktard friends were helping? Who'd have guessed.

Quil is now my best friend, keeping my pills safe for me, even giving me one now and then.

I knew now, that the pills weren't giving me super powers. I had enough super powers as it was.

The pills were keeping me sane.

And away from Bella-related thoughts.

Stupid leech.

"What are you looking at?" I growled at Seth. "Why are you staring?"

He looked away quickly.

So he should – I'd rip him apart if Leah wouldn't whine about it afterwards.

"Jacob," dad said softly.

"What old man? More wise words?" I snarled.

He sighed, shook his head and rolled away.

"Jake! Snap out of it!" Leah growled at me.

"Like hell I will Leah!" I snapped back.

What the hell was she doing here anyway? Didn't she have Emily to go play dress-up with?

"Come out here and say that!" she challenged.

"Well, I could use some exercise."

"Like Hell you do!" She taunted.

"Like Hell I Will!" I told her.

She darted forward and slapped my face, darting back.

I raced forward and swung at her.

What was The Bitch's problem?

Some punched my face, making me swerve and miss Leah.

"What the Hell?" I growled, seeing Sam there, with Seth in the back, look very worried.

"Leah, go back to Emily. Tell her and Kim to stay from Jake. He's dangerous."

"Will do," Leah said cheerfully, as if this was the desired outcome.

"Jake, go back to Billy." Sam ordered me, his voice full of Alpha command.

So I turned around and strolled back to the house.

There was a bon fire tonight – I could get The Bitch back then.

That night was not to be expected.

Sure – now Billy had Cancer.

Something he hadn't told me.

I was angry now – he could tell the whole damn _tribe_ at a bonfire, but not his own _son_ in private? Something was messed up there.

So, I stopped taking the sane pills – I had to be a son now.

Insane, yes, but I good son all the same.

The cravings are insane, but it's better than being totally messed up, right?

Thanks giving soon.

Yay.

NOT.

Thanks giving day. Oh boy – Sue and Seth and The Bitch was coming over.

"Son, thank you, for these last two months. I know it's been hard – I know how I was when I lost your mother. But thank you,"

"Thank me? That's a lie dad, you know it."

"What is?"

"There's nothing to be thankful for – you're gonna die in less than a year. Just like mum – you're gonna leave me all alone. Just like Bella – fuck, I can clear a room, can't I?"

"Jake, calm down. I might be here next year."

"Yeah, and Bella will be back after she finished college – another lie. Everyone is dieing. Your dieing, mum's dead! I'm a freak among freaks, the love of my life just leaves me for a fucking leech! I'm messed up and I like it! I like the feeling!" I loved shouting – a good release.

"Jake, calm down, we have guests."

"The fuck with guests!"

I stormed out of there, not caring that I practically barged The Bitch through the door – she deserved so much more.

It was her fault I was this messed up.

I jumped in the Rabbit and floored – not caring where I went, not really caring how I got there.

All I knew was that I had had my fill of La Push and Forks. I had had my fill of bad good byes, death and super natural being and powers.

For the first time, in nearly two months, I wanted tequila and my super powers pills more than I wanted anything – everything, except Bella.

Stupid fucking Leech.

**December**

Snow. I like snow

It's white – like my pills.

Like my bitch's skin.

She's pale – like Bella. She has brown hair too. Short, like The Bitch's, but brown all the same.

She wears contacts to cover up her blue eyes, making them brown. But she didn't look like Bella.

None of them did.

None of them ever do.

**January**

A new bitch. Her name is Isabell. That's close enough.

She dyed her hair brown though – now her blonde roots are showing through.

She looks like a skank.

Well, she is a skank.

Not like Bella.

My beautiful, gorgeous Bella.

**February**

Northern California.

Lovely.

Lots of people with brown hair, and brown eyes.

This ones name is – I have no idea.

She gave me pills, bought me beer.

I fucked her senseless.

Now she won't go away.

I wonder if all girls are like that – like Bella.

Never really going away – only taking pieces of you with them.

**March**

A month until the wedding.

Sam was finally getting hitched to Emily – I wonder if she was up the duff?

My current bitch is Australian.

Feisty, fights back – doesn't put up with shit.

I like that – not like Bella, who was so passive she had to ask to breathe, I'm sure.

I wonder if I should take my Aussie back to the wedding?

Or if I should take a slut to be my 'handbag'.

**April**

Handbag, definitely.

The wedding was, well, a wedding. White with flowers and shit.

People crying.

Dad isn't better – he's worse.

He looks like a walking anti-cigarette campaign. Oxygen mask attached to the front, tank on the back.

Oh well, I had a bitch, who draped her who over me – I know that Quil was seething with envy.

Just cause he's all Pedo, doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate a piece of good ass every now and then.

I'm taking this one back to Oregon, picking up one of her friends – she made the sane pills.

And moonshine from Texas.

Angel in a red dress.

I hope the guys don't ask me what he name is – I don't have a fucking clue.

She's just another not-Bella not-imprint girl.

Useless.

What use was a girl if she couldn't match up to Bella? The only way to beat that was to imprint.

I'm sure that I'm not gonna Imprint – I didn't on Bella, so I'm not gonna on anyone else.

At least I'll have some awesome stories – Quil will be so jealous.

But, I have to sleep now.

**Next Week**

Stupid fucktards, fuckheads, dickheaded maniac, suicidal cocksucker friends of mine.

Take my keys – sure, fine, don't have any gas anyway.

Take my wallet – fine, don't have any money anyway.

Take my clothes – now that was taking it too far.

Take my phone – are they trying to kill me through social hibernation? I have all my bitches on there – without that thing, I'm just…heartbroken – a heartbroken teenager acting out.

Not rebel.

Not awesome.

They took my pills as well.

And my alcohol.

Stupid cocksuckers.

So – day one of alienate my friends begin.

If they think their 'intervention' is gonna work, they're gonna be so wrong, that it'll just be so fucking hilarious.

Everyday, one of my 'friends' come by to make sure I don't try something stupid – like run away again.

Not that I can – dad is really bad. As in, gonna die soon bad.

"Shut the fuck up Leah! Some of us are sleeping in here!" I hollered at her. She was the more permanent attatchment to the house – half the time she was in wolf form, just to scare away my bitches.

Yep – The Bitch was scaring off my bitches.

Stupid bitches – the lot of them.

.

.

.

It's been a month or two – it's true, you know – you can't die from being blue balled.

Yep, cracked _that_ myth.

Dad is getting worse though – he was in with the doctors today with Charlie. They're putting him hospital soon. He's too far out for 'proper medical attention'.

Because that's how any red-blooded Indian likes to die – in a White man's hospital.

The only good thing about this whole mess is that Emily is having twins – yep, _two_ mini Sam's running around acting high-and-mighty.

Two months mark today though – two months of being clean, sober and blue-balled.

I was really breaking records now.

I might even start phasing again – see how much _that _side of me has been fucked up by my anti-Bella rebellious stage.

Bella.

Stupid Leech.

"Jake!" Dad called, his voice strangled as I walked out of his room – visiting hours were over as I had been informed – eight times so far.

"Dad?" I rushed back. He clutched at his heart. Monitors started beeping madly.

Nurses came form everywhere, shouting jargon and numbers.

"You need to go out, now!" the fat nurse told me.

I didn't just leave – I fucking ran.

Dad was dieing – that was it. No reason for me to be here.

I could feel the pressure rushing about me.

Everyone's expectations, their stupid stereotypes, wanting me to be the 'perfect' son for Billy.

I bet if you ask any kid whose parent is dieing of Cancer and they'll tell you the same thing – Life ends up being worse as the kid than being the dead one.

Because you're always gonna be known as 'His kid' 'Tragic Jake' 'Poor Jake' 'His father died of cancer when he was only eighteen – lets give him a raise' 'lets give him a job – his dad died of cancer and we fully support cancer and equal rights for Indians – two birds with one stone'

I didn't want their fucking sympathy.

I don't want this.

Bella was gone.

Dad was gone.

Mum was gone.

So I might as well be gone – no one wanted me here.

Sharp things, anything that would cause me to bleed – I needed to feel the pain, to make sure I was still alive.

The pain would wake me up.

Where was a fucking vampire when you needed one?

Knife – not working.

Damn, damn, damn.

Crowbar? Nope.

Fork? Nope.

Damn, damn, damn.

Hey, a steam roller.

I'm quick, I can get under it, and he can flatten me, and it'll be over and –

"Ow! What the fuck?"

"You Fuckhead! What right do you have to kill yourself?" Emily – Emily, five month-pregnant Emily, armed with a lead pipe. "Stop being so bloody selfish! So what if your parent's die? Everyone's do eventually! We all end up orphans! Stop being so damn selfish – he's fine! He's still alive you cockhead! You have responsibilities!"

"Shut up!" I screamed at her.

"NO! You need to get it through your thick skull!" She was crying now, literally pouring her heart out – didn't stop her from whacking me with the damn pipe.

"You have responsibilities – You're Alpha, you idiot! Step up and be a man about it! You're gonna be on the Council after your Father! Stop being so goddamn selfish and think about other people for once in your life! You're the most selfish person I know, Jacob Ephraim Black!"

"Shut up! Shut up!"

"NO! You need to hear it! He's alive goddamn it Jake, Fuck it Jake, get back to that hospital! He needs you now! Stop being so melodramatic about it! The world doesn't revolve around you or Bella or Billy – get over yourself. Or so god help me I get a cannon and lay into you! Go on, git! Go!"

She collapsed crying then, but I didn't stop and help her – I high-tailed it to the hospital.

Charlie was already there, waiting for me.

"He's fine son – just a little scare. His heart isn't coping"

I nodded and sat down on the other chair next to his bed, laying my chin on his bed.

He was sleeping now, a chemical one - you could always tell, cause he didn't look peaceful, he looked, well, drugged.

"I'm gonna stay with him tonight, if you don't mind. We have stuff to talk about. You're on tomorrow's shift."

He looked me in the eye, telling me all this like I was a nervous animal about to bolt or kill him.

Well, I couldn't blame him – I just tried to kill myself with a steamroller.

No, that isn't fucked up at all.

That night, for the first time in a long time, I dreamed of my parents and Bella and Charlie and Renee all in our kitchen, laughing over wine, while Bells and I paint and the girls are trying on dresses, turning around.

We're all laughing.

That's the best kinda dream – when it's a memory.

.

.

.

Billy … went away to day.

The tears aren't gonna flow.

Cause if I do that mean's I'm gonna get a drink.

I don't like that kinda person that I become when I even smell alcohol.

I'm gonna stay clean – He left this world with me being clean, so I'll stay clean.

Clean, sober and blue-balled, if that's what it takes. I just hope I'm not blue-balled forever.

That would bite.

The funeral is on Friday.

"Hi Jake son," Charlie.

What on earth could he want? He's handling the funeral.

"Charlie."

"I just spoke with Bella – she's in Arizona at the moment. I told her about…Billy."

"Oh." Why the fuck would she care?

"She's coming back, Jake."

"What?" Wait, did I growl that out loud.

"For the funeral. Just wanted to warn you."

"Yeah, Thanks," I mumbled.

I hung up, and I phased as soon as I was outside.

Bella was coming back – back to a pack of werewolves.

She can't be a vampire then, could she?

Not unless she wanted to die.

It's been more than a year though – almost two.

More than enough time to become 'vegetarian'.

Fuck.

How I ached for a drink.

Or a pill.

Or a root.

But no – I won't, not for her, not after I promised Billy.

Maybe she'll pull out at the last moment, like she did with the wedding.

Exams. Right.

She couldn't have just said the truth – 'I'm a vampire and I don't really want my old friends to be the one who kills me for good,'

That lie hurt Emily more than anyone – Bella was gonna be a bridesmaid.

That would have made a beautiful sight.


	5. Running

**Running**

_Bella's first POV, four years prior. From where she left Forks with Edward to Arizona State University. It's a big haul – especially when Alice gets involved…_

~/*\~

**Sometimes people run away just to see if anyone cares enough to follow**

~/*\~

**Bella POV**

I sat next to Edward in my old truck that he insisted on driving.

In silence.

I loved him a lot, almost more than life itself, so why did this feel like a mistake? Like I was betraying Jake? And the Pack?

Why did I sudden crave sunlight as we drove into foreboding mountains and forests?

But I was resolute with my decision – I had given my heart to Edward a long time ago. I was going to stick to that bond.

Our love was intense – we fit each other completely, like two halves of one whole – we were as perfect as any could be.

Except perhaps me and Jake.

But I'm not going to think those thoughts. They were dangerous thoughts.

"Are you alright love?" a velvet voice asked me.

I looked at him. "Yeah – I'm just missing Forks, surprisingly."

He nodded. "And Jacob?"

I nodded – it was pointless for me to argue with him or lie to him. "He's my best friend Edward."

"I know love. I know that you love him too."

"I love you more!" I shot back instantly – knowing that on some level, it wasn't true. Why did that feel like a lie, after all that we had been through? Why did I have to justify it to myself?

After all this time, after convincing Jake and Edward and Myself that I loved Edward more, why was I still craving the heat? Craving for a carefreeness that I had experienced solely with Jake? I loved Jake _differently_, maybe, on some level.

"I'm not doubting you love. He helped you through something that was of my making. Everything that has gone these past weeks, years, has been all my doing. Yet, you're still here."

"Yep. I'm here."

He smiled softly at me. "I'm glad you are."

I nodded, and looked back out the window – surprisingly, not blushing at his compliment. Maybe I was growing immune?

"So, where are we going exactly?" I asked him some time later.

"North – Alaska. We want you to visit the Denali Clan – they're similar to cousins to us, I suppose. And since you are resolute on the marriage thing-"

"I'm not that kinda girl – even if you're that boy, I'm not the kinda girl to get married right out of high school."

He nodded – we gone through this argument many times – Alice couldn't even see the result, because of our minds were made up.

"So, this is a way for you to see what our 'family' is like – like you taking me to meet your mum, I guess."

"I never took you to see Renee." I told him, confused.

"No, this is the equivalent."

"Do you want to meet Renee?"

"Not unless you want me to – if you're still serious about becoming a Vampire, you probably wouldn't want your mum to meet the one who Is going to steal your soul."

"You aren't stealing my soul Edward. We talked about this – no talking about soul-stealing, marriage, my friends and family that don't know about this." I indicated to the sunlight gently shining off his diamond-skin, "or anything else that will cause us to fight unnecessarily."

"Alice is seeing your future blur," he told me absently as he indicated and turned left.

"Maybe because I don't know where the Denali Clan is? Maybe because I'm lost because it all looks exactly the same through here?"

Edward shot me a crooked grin. "That would do it – she's apparently finely tuned to you."

"And she must be thinking very loudly for you to pick up on it from way back here."

And it was a long back indeed – the truck couldn't go over 55 miles, so we practically dawdled compared to their flashy Porsche's, Jeep, Mercedes and Volvos.

"Oh, it's been hazy since before we left."

"Well, I didn't know where we were going then either," I pointed out, trying – and apparently succeeded – to direct him away from the real reason – my determination to stay with Edward was wavering.

Not that he could ever know.

"That's true. And that werewolf and his friends weren't exactly helping either – them blocked her out all the time. You have no idea what happens to me whenever you are with them. I don't know what they're doing to you."

I nodded, and couldn't help the blush rise up cheeks as I thought of the pack – Quil practising his 'moves' on me, Seth trying to be like Jake and Sam, Sam, so stoic, save for those few rare moments when he was in a good mood. Embry, in his quiet slyness, Leah even, in all her brash ways and foul talk.

And Jake. Jake who had saved me, patched me up, replaced every missing piece of me with pieces of him – I still have half of his wardrobe from his pre-wolf life. Things that I had needed to save myself from the ultimate 'walk of shame' around his friends, and the times we had sex – with Jake, Quil and Embry, anything as safe as kissing to actual sex would be considered the walk of shame – especially since I usually slept over.

There's a lot to be said about having your boyfriend's father and your father best friends – the rules rarely ever came into play.

But, the rules rarely applied to Jake anyway – he had a force over people that could make anything swing his way.

Once he was hit on by a gay-guy.

No one really let him forget that one.

"What are you thinking of love? You're, well, glowing," Edward asked me, looking at me with loving eyes.

"Just reminiscing. Silly stuff."

"Jake?" he guessed, the tone in his voice making me feel instantly guilty.

"And you. And Renee. And Charlie."

_But mostly Jake_, I tell myself. The best things always happen with Jake – that's why I wasn't a virgin anymore. _Definitely not a virgin_.

"What silly stuff did I ever do to you?"

"That time you offered to help with Mike's car, and he looked like you were hitting on him," I supplied.

"He was actually thinking that too – hmm, maybe I'm rubbing off on you?"

I chuckled. "If it was transferable, I think I would be able to predict my life down to the second I died. I spent that much time shopping with Alice…" I let the sentence hang.

He knew – he'd been there.

"What silly stuff with your mum?"

"Just my mum in general. She's as scatterbrained as I am clumsy."

Edward laughed out loud at that statement.

I grumbled under my breath about stupid vampire boyfriends.

"Charlie?"

"This time, he totally freaked out because he had to go fishing with Billy, but it was pouring down rain. But they were going up river – where it wasn't supposed to be raining. It was supposed to be very sunny apparently. So, he basically packed his whole closet – just in case. It was hilarious watching him drag his suitcase to the car, just to see Billy with only a small overnight thing – they were only going for like two nights of something. Both Billy and I told him that he was being ridiculous. Not that it changed anything, except make him grumpy."

"Jake?"

"This one time, he was pretending to be gay to Quil, just to see what he would do – and then a proper gay guy actually hit on him – Jake. Jake was stumped but, being as polite as he is, told him yes, and sent Leah."

"He sent Leah to meet a gay guy?"

"Hey, he hooked her up with a fling – it lasted about a week."

_Best week of my life,_ I recalled. That was the week that Jake and I had first had sex – and became addicted to it. That was about two months before Edward returned. It was in the summer when we first 'agreed' to be boyfriend/girlfriend.

"I would have liked to see that." Edward told me.

I looked up at him surprised.

"That whole 'Jake pretending to be gay' thing. That would be quite humorous."

"It's fucking hilarious," I murmured – using one of Quil's phrases.

Yes – I had picked up catch-phrases form the pack – 'Sure, sure' – Jake. 'It's fucking hilarious' – Quil. 'I'm fan-fucking-tastic' – Leah. 'Ok sure, wait, what?' – Seth. 'Hooooowwwwllllllll' – Paul (not surprisingly when looking at girls. I don't really use that one.)

And, my personal favourite was Sam's: "QUIL! EMBRY! GET YOUR SORRY ARSES OUT OF BED! JAKE – GET BELLA OUT OF YOUR'S. YOU'RE ALL LATE!"

"You do know your vocabulary has disintegrated quite significantly since you persisted in retaining your wolf friends," he remarked to me.

I looked up at him, surprised. "You mean I'm swearing more?"

He looked at me nervously. "It's just, you never used any kind of cuss word around me. I'm just stating a fact."

I pondered his statement. I swore around him, didn't I? I mean, I only swore whenever I was feeling extraordinarily angry, annoyed, sarcastic… well, any heightened emotion – except perhaps fear.

I shrugged at him. "I'm sure you'll hear me use cuss words more often then, if you feel like you're missing out on something."

"Oh, no, please don't – I think it's very unbecoming. I was just saying – you only cuss around Jacob, the Pack – your 'friends'. Just not me."

I shrugged again. "What are you insinuating?"

Nothing," he said quickly, almost….defensively.

"That we aren't friends?" I indicated him and me.

"Well, yes. We aren't friends are we?" his voice held such sadness, that I looked him in the eye.

"We were never 'friends' Edward – our relationship for rushed, because of outside factors, and the fact that, well, you are perfect," _Almost too perfect at times,_ a traitorous voice snickered in my head. "We never could be 'just friends'."

"No, I feel too much for you."

"That and we never tried – you were always saving my life. It's hard to have a purely platonic relationship when you're in love with your hero."

_You should never meet your hero Bells, it messes with your head,_ a voice – a warmly familiar voice – from a memory echoed through my head.

I mentally shook it away.

I couldn't be distracted at the moment.

"I never knew I was your hero," he told me, smiling at me.

I blushed and smiled back. "Well, you are."

He nodded, and we were enveloped into silence once more.

Nothing to talk about, except for the one thing I wouldn't – the time that he wasn't here.

The Summer of Jake and Bells.

That was our elephant in the room. I was happy then, until the Pack thought it would be fun to go Cliff Diving.

With me.

It's not my fault that I fell in.

Of course, being met with Edward's voice, seeing his face in the water had certainly messed with my head.

That and Alice waiting for me, saying that Edward was going to kill himself, because I had died.

Yep, our Elephant in the room was a bit bigger than others.

Mostly because I had moved on, really moved on.

Only to crush Jake, and run back to Edward like everything was fine.

And it was.

It is.

These guilty feelings I have, have nothing to do with the fact that I'm leaving Jake, more than likely for good.

**(A few days later)**

We arrived in Alaska.

Note to all you travellers – don't visit Alaska in the Winter if you're travelling with a Vampire.

As much as they try, they are just as cold as the weather.

I'm positive I must have got pneumonia just walking from the truck to the house.

But at least there was a fire inside – something that I thought was weird – wouldn't they trip and fall?

But then I remembered that I'm the only clumsy one.

Edward and I had our own room – though he didn't sleep, just content to lay next to me.

I had met the Denali Clan the moment we arrived – but I was so exhausted from travelling that I didn't absorb anything.

I fell asleep straight away, with Edward humming my lullaby, twirled strands of hair between his fingers.

When I awoke the next morning, Edward informed me that we were alone – Hi-_Our_ family had arrived, and they had taken them hunting – to help with my blood.

Edward kissed my lips gently, and I, in a moment of self indulgence, caught his bottom lip, keeping him attached longer.

I heard an impossible sound come from Edward – it resembled a moan.

My hands slowly, tentatively, reached up to his hair, tangling in it, and his hands came up to cup my jaw, keeping me firmly in place.

I was expecting that at any moment him to pull away, to apologize, but instead, he guided me backwards towards the bed.

I could feel myself ache for him – ache for release.

My tongue seemed to tease his mouth open – this was definitely not one of our normal kisses.

Not that I minded at all.

I fell onto the bed, with Edward's lips still attached to mine.

He loomed over me, and I moaned despite myself.

I felt his lips quirk up, as if he found something amusing.

My hands trailed down from his head, down his shoulders, his chest. How I ached to feel his rock solid abs beneath my fingertips.

And slowly, he unbuttoned one of his buttons, and that was all the encouragement I needed.

I knew, in some small part of my brain, that he was still a virgin, and despite the whole mind-reading thing, didn't have a clue about what was going on.

I finished unbuttoning his shirts and gently caressed his chest.

He tensed slightly, and he leaned into our kisses more.

Both of our breaths were heated, and coming faster and faster – I was basically panting.

I gently took his hands and guided them to my body, breaking our kisses, so he could focus on what he was doing.

He flashed me a look of insecurity, so I kissed him for good-measure – starting up all over again.

This time though, he took the initiative and began to peel back my layers.

Jumper after cardigan and jacket after shirts, until my bra was the only covering my top half had.

I blushed slightly, and I'm sure that if he could, he would have too.

"Beautiful," he murmured and cautiously, began to trace the outline on them, my skin erupting in goose bumps.

The good kind.

I pulled off his shirt, so both of us were equally undressed.

I leaned up to him, and he kissed along my jaw, skipped my throat, down my chest to my breasts.

My hands explored his back, the diamond-hard muscles that were breathtaking, not unlike Jake's.

_Why am I thinking about Jake now? I'm about to have sex with my gorgeous Vampire Boyfriend._ I told myself and went back to kissing his shoulder.

His kisses moved onto my left breast.

I should have stopped him then.

But I didn't – I was revelling in my ecstasy.

His kisses became more urgent there, he was basically sucking the skin.

And I was turned on as hell.

He shoved me down, so he was fully on top, not stopped the assault on my breast.

My wrist disconnected from Edward's head, and got cut on a splinter that was sticking out from the headboard.

Then, suddenly, something clicked in his brain, and I went flying – literally.

I was tossed aside from him, by him, through the door, and into the hallway wall.

I felt the welcome and annoyingly familiar feeling of darkness come onto my brain, my last though:

_Jake wouldn't have done that._

My last view of the world was Edward, a crazed look in his eye, leaning down and touching my bleeding arm.

~/*\~

When I awoke next, I was in Carlisle and Esme's room – hooked up to an IV and covered in bandages.

My mind was groggy – I probably had more pain killers in me than a pharmacy.

"Bella, welcome back. We got back as soon as Alice saw." Carlisle told me in a soft voice –I was glad, because my head felt like a herd of elephants where having a party up there.

I stared at him groggily, not really knowing what to say in reply.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" He asked, his voice softer this time from compassion of my emotions rather than my pounding head.

"We were…almost…having sex – we still had our pants on. I mean, we were kissing, well, making out," I felt a blush creep up my face. "When he, I don't know, chose to _not_ turn me, but through me through the door – out of harm's way."

Carlisle nodded. His face hid something though.

"What?" I asked.

His eyes flicked down to my wrists.

On one there was an IV. The other was bandage. I slowly unwrapped it. A scar, the same as the one on my IV arm, stood out starkly against my skin. The difference was that this one had a thin line through it – a human scar. I gasped slightly, remembering the slice on the headboard, remembering the look in Edward's eyes.

Remembering how he picked up my arm.

"How bad?" I asked Carlisle, distracting myself.

He looked at me. "Not as bad as it could have been. Nothing was broken, just severe bleeding – it'll take you at least 6 weeks for you to fully heal. Alice got him to – stop. I got the venom out," he said, answering my unasked question.

"Scarring?"

"Ah yes, well, there is something about that that I wish to talk to you about."

I yawned, and blinked a few times.

He smiled softly at me. "But perhaps I should tell you about that in a few hours. Sleep now."

I was only too happy to agree.

The next time I woke, Alice was sitting next to me, her face contorted into the look that humans get when they are crying.

She was crying – over me.

"Oh God, I'm not gonna die, am I?" I asked in a stricken voice.

Alice shook her head, her grimace still in place. "We're leaving." She told me instead.

"What? Why?" _Wait, as in 'Me and you Bella,' or as in 'The Vampires shall drop you away from us, don't expect anything'_

"Edward." That was all she said.

But then again, that was all she needed to say.

"Where?"

"College."

"When?"

Her face lessoned for a moment. "Let Carlisle tell you about that. But, we are leaving. I've decided."

"Does Edward know?"

"Yes," she told me, but something in the way she looked at me, still grimacing, told me that he didn't know that half of it. "I'll get Carlisle for you."

I nodded.

Carlisle entered a few minutes later. "Feeling better?" he asked.

I wasn't brave enough to nod again in such a short time span. "Yes – my head isn't having a party anymore."

"Yes. Now, where were we?" He asked.

Over the next two or so hours, he described to me how he wished to try something on me – something that should get rid of most, if not all of my scars.

And it would hurry my healing process.

He had concocted a serum that would only have to be injected once – it would probably sting a little more than a normal needle, but otherwise painless.

It was a mix of antibiotics, healing agents, skin-growth hormones, and a minute trace of Vampire venom – so much so, that it barely registered.

If I agreed, I could help all of his future burns patients.

There was also the very dim prospect that I would gain so Vampire-like qualities – the speed, intelligence, and the equilibrium.

I was more than willing.

He gave me morphine, so that I was sleepy, and injected my back.

The pain was dulled by the morphine, but it still stung.

Like a hive of bees attacking a singular point on my back.

I bit my lip to stop myself from crying out.

And I blacked out.

Alice told me that I had been sleeping for about three days.

And I had completely healed – absolutely no scars, save for the ones on my wrists.

Since I hadn't even unpacked, all it took was a few short minutes to get ready.

I didn't know where I was going – Dartmouth had accepted me, but chances were that the Cullen's would be attending there.

Alice even asked my opinion on where I wanted to go.

"To the sun."

She nodded sadly – she had been expecting this, of course. Her asking me was just a formality.

"Phoenix it is then."

"Arizona," I agreed.

Nothing had been enhanced – not my balance, my need (or lack thereof) for speed, and certainly not my intelligence.

I was still human – just flawless.

That was all a girl could ask for.

My skin, my body, finally fit right – I didn't feel as awkward – I was 'proportioned' as Alice told me.

I had also gone up a size or two in certain places.

And down a size or two in others.

"I had to go shopping for you," she told me, once we were away.

I looked at her in surprise – she sounded…un-Alice like.

Almost…normal.

"Why is that a bad thing – you love shopping for me?"

"Because, it's not as fun if you aren't there. So, I got you the basics, things you're comfortable with – a killer pair of jeans, a shirt, some of those sneakers that were popular in the fifties."

"Converse," I nodded. They were reasonable – desirable even.

"But, that's only one outfit. Since nothing fits you – except those ridiculous clothes that you stole from Jacob, but I doubt they ever will – we have to go shopping on the way!"

I looked at her as if she just told me that she didn't like fashion that instead she wanted to grow dreadlocks, sing folk songs and try to save the rainforests.

Something utterly absurd – to me.

"Now, don't look like that. This is just a small…sorry gift, I suppose. One of many, I should add."

"Oh no, what did you do?" I demanded.

"Well, apart from paying your college tuition – in full, for four years – we also have given you a platinum credit card, and we want you to expect lots of money – and presents, and clothes – on your birthday, Christmas, new years and probably thanks-giving."

My eyes bugged out of my head, I'm sure.

I was probably going to be more richer in the next four years than I would have ever been in my entire life before the Cullen's.

"Alice, that is far too much – there is no way I can accept that!" I protested. And I was resolute – I wouldn't change my mind.

"It's also a bribe of sorts, I guess," she said glumly.

"A bribe?"

"We think that your relationship, in the stalemate that it is, isn't healthy for either of you. Edward won't change you until you're married, and you refuse to get married until you're at least out of college – don't look at me like that, your subconscious desires play a role in my predicting as well. We all decided – Edward in part – that, for at least the next four years, until you graduate college – that Edward shouldn't be a part of your life."

I nodded, not really comprehending.

Edward wasn't going to be with me.

Not that he didn't want me – he still loved me. He still _wanted_ me.

He just wasn't safe.

"Can I ask you something?" my voice was cracked from emotion – damn.

"What? Oh, that."

"Yeah, that."

"Yes, you can tell us when you think you're ready to see him."

"And?"

"Until then, we'll keep him occupied – call it Bella-detox. He needs to live life without you – live life as he should have been, before you. I mean, before he was existing, living beside the real, not really into it. But, now, he is going to be living, not merely existing. After all, life isn't a spectator sport,"

I nodded to her.

"Will he…forgive me? For running away?" I had to ask that out loud, so she understood.

"Bella, you have to know, that people in life will hold onto something because they fear nothing that great will ever happen to them again. You were – are – Edward's great thing. He just needs something to make him see that – he needs to let go, let you go, if only for a few years."

I nodded at her. But a small part of me, wished that he would come after me – that he would fight for me.

That he wouldn't just let me disappear – that he'd hold onto me as I desperately did when he left me.

But, maybe I was in deeper before.

I didn't have pieces of Jake with me then.

"So, where is the first stop to be? I'm personally thinking on working from the inside out."

"Underwear?" I asked uncertainly.

She flashed me a dazzling grin. "Not underwear, my dear Bella."

She then uttered the two words that made me cringe more than a blood-thirsty Vampire or a pissed-off Werewolf.

"Victoria Secret."

"Okay, so I'm thinking we're going to need you to get refitted –I'm not sure what size you are the moment." She told me, critically eyeing me up and down.

**(AN: - These are in Australian sizes because I don't know what the American stuff if – but I'm pretty sure that our sizes are smaller. IDK, look it up if you're interested.)**

She then floated over to the sales clerk, while I stood there, feeling like a boy buying tampons under scrutinizing eyes.

There was lacy ones, non-existing ones, Granny-knickers, ones that made you smaller, ones that made you bigger, ones that were secret, others exposed.

And the colours – there had to be one in every imaginable shade. And then some.

"Bella, come over here," she called and I almost ran over to her – and almost collected myself with a manikin.

"Now, this lady will take your size. Then, she'll tell me, and we can being!" She sounded so chirpy, that I wanted to slap her.

Stupid Shopoholic Pixie.

The lady was holding a tape measure, and smiling kindly at me. "First time?"

I nodded.

"It's alright. Okay, what you're going to have to do is take off you shirt, down to your bra, and then I'll measure you, then we're done."

I nodded, and peeled off my layers – down to a bikini, since I wasn't sure what fit and what didn't.

The lady smiled at me again – her pale blue eyes kind.

She held her tap around one way, and over another, muttering numbers and letters to herself.

No doubt Alice was picking up on the numbers and dancing around the store happily.

"Hmm – a 10DD," she murmured.

I looked at her, almost expectantly.

"Yes, you can get dressed now. I'll tell your friend," she promised and left me to get dressed.

"Bella! Don't even worry about it! It'll save me lots of time! Just try on what I give you."

"Fine," I grumbled.

I was then assaulted with colours and fabrics.

And Alice.

"Try on the Red one, then the white one, the purple, then the black. We'll have to get you a few sport bra's as well, as well as some flesh ones as well. And lace! And some sexy ones, in case you find yourself a guy. And…"

I think I zoned out then. This was daunting to say the least – with Renee, she had limited funds. I usually only got one, and even then it was usually white.

This was like being dumped into the deep end.

Except I was sinking.

In the end, I started using her visions – I would hold one up, decide to put it on, and she'd agree and take it off me.

That was how I walked out of Victoria's Secret with at least twenty new bras and panty sets, and a few 'sexy' sleepwear pieces – red and black silk nighties, purple flannel, yoga pants.

And Alice insisted on buying everything.

Which I was glad – I would have put half the things back.

"Where now?" I grumbled, itching to get to the food court.

"Hmm, Bloomindales, Macey's, a couple of my boutiques."

My stomach grumbled, and she grinned at me, her gold eyes flashing. "You go and eat. I can do this by myself for a little, now that I know your size. This makes it so much easier!"

I nodded and started to walk away.

"Oh, and stay away from the hot dogs! No good will come of them!" she said, and I giggled.

Instead I got Chinese – the joys of shopping in a shopping complex.

I realized I hadn't properly eaten since I had arrived.

I was starving.

If I was a Vampire, my eyes would have been black.

I decided to call Charlie.

My heart ached from leaving him like I did.

And I missed Jake.

I had been gone only about a week.

"Hello?" Charlie's voice answered, and I felt comforted instantly – something that only a dad could do.

"Hi dad, it's me," I said, hoping he knew which 'me' it was.

"Bella! Oh, you had me worried! What took you so long?" He asked, his voice stern but pleased.

"Oh, some mild drama," I said flippantly.

But, Charlie being Charlie, had to pry. "About?"

_Think fast! _"Colleges. Edward wants to go to Dartmouth."

"And you?"

"Arizona – I crave the sun," I told him honestly. _I also crave the heat,_

"Ah."

His favourite saying, that.

"Yeah, so, we're going to take a break, for a little." I said quickly.

I could almost feel the grin spread across his face. "Really? I mean, you looked like you were ready to marry the guy,"

"Yeah, but things change dad," I said slowly.

"Yeah, they do."

Great. Now he was thinking about Renee.

"New York is great, by the way." I said, a little awkwardly, before gathering my remaining vestiges of strength and asked: "So, uh, How's…"

"Jake is good, as far as I know," he told me warmly. He always was when it came to Jake.

Even when we were dating, Charlie never pressed the rules – Jake once slept over. (To Charlie's knowledge, on the couch. To _our_ knowledge though, we made out – and came mighty close – more than a few times. The danger of Charlie next door magnifying our attraction for each other)

I wanted to talk to him, to write. But I couldn't do that anymore.

"Can you ask if I can call him? I mean, the last time this happened, he wouldn't pick up, and he doesn't appreciate letter-writing. Can you ask for me?" I asked, suddenly desperate for My Sun.

"Hang on, I'll use my Cell."

"Dad, you have a cell?" What was the world coming to?

"Ha, ha, ha. Make fun of your old man all you like. Just hang on minute or two."

"Mk."

I heard him place the phone on the kitchen counter, and I ate some more Chinese.

"Bells?"

"Yeah Dad, still here."

"He said, in his own words, that that wouldn't be a good idea. Oh, hang on a sec,"

Once again, the kitchen counter.

I took a long drink from my Coke.

"Bella?"

"Yeah dad."

"That was just Billy. Jake is going away for a few days. Billy's thinking California. I'll tell you all about when he gets back, ok?"

"Okay." Jake was leaving La Push. Was he hurting again? Was he running away again? But no, he told Billy. He wasn't running.

He was… Vacationing.

"Anything else you wanted to talk about? Sue and Seth are here, that's all…"

There was very little that his voice left out – he wanted to get back to Sue.

"No Dad. Just wanted to hear your voice is all. I'll call you when I get to Arizona."

"Love you Bells,"

"Love you too," I murmured, and hung up.

I sat the phone on the table, and finished my lunch.

I grabbed the Coke, texted Alice.

_Where r u?_

_Boutique. Next to Wall-Mart._

_U need me?_

_Nope. C u soon tho ;p_

I shook my head.

Only Alice.

By the time I met up with her, she had her arms full of colourful bags with colourful tissue paper flowing from it.

"Bella! Here, carry these!" She told me, unloading most of the colours onto me, while she paid for the other Boutique stuff.

"Alice, how much more stuff is there?" I asked her – my feet were starting to hurt now.

"Shoes! Come on, I can get you handbags and everything there!"

I sighed as she danced away, and I tried to follow without crashing into anyone or anything.

The shoe place was nice. Great, if you loved shopping, like Alice did.

I got heels and flats and Converse and slippers and everything in between.

"Can we go now?" I pleaded.

She sighed. "Fine. I don't know why you still have that truck though. A nice Porsche or Mercedes Coupe` is exactly what you need."

"Alice, not all of us desire fast cars." I told her.

She suddenly squealed. "I love it! I love it! And it matches mine!"

"What are you squeaking about?"

"Oh, just the future. I love it!"

"What are you talking about?"

"That car you get after the Truck!"

I was horrified - she spoke so ill of the dying.

"Oh honey, close your mouth – it's unbecoming. Now, it's gonna be yellow. And perfect. Now, come on, to Arizona!"

We travelled for a while – I slept for most of it. Alice had to buy a tarp for the bed of the truck, to keep our 'spoils' dry and in good condition.

It was raining every now and then.

Then, almost suddenly, we hit Desert.

I saw a sign, one that I was familiar with.

**Welcome to Arizona**

And, for a moment, I felt like I was home.

But home wasn't Arizona.

I didn't know where home was.

Alice pulled into the University parking grounds. She leapt out gracefully, while I tripped and stumbled.

"I'll get you all signed in. You stay here, and take off that tarp. Make sure all your stuff is still dry!"

And she bounded off into a building.

The school itself was gorgeous. And huge.

A few minutes later, with the tarp finally removed, I was leaning against it when Alice came zooming out – at human break-neck speed.

"You are in one of the best dorms! Co-ed, naturally, with the best views! I um, signed you up for all the classes that you're good at or interested in. Come on!"

I sighed, and we both started to load up.

_So, this is home for the next four years._

_Great._

"And Bella?" Alice said quietly, a little later.

"Yeah?"

"Don't think that we're abandoning you. I'll come and visit – Emmett too probably."

"I never said that you were." I was slightly confused.

"Just remember, that solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong. Though you're going to be a solitary tree, you'll have a magnificent garden."

I smiled.

I liked the personification or Metaphor.

I'd have a garden full of Vampires.

But where do Werewolves fit into this Garden?


	6. Caught and Crumbling

**Caught and Crumbling**

~/*\~

**Hold your head up gorgeous because there are those who would kill to see you fail**

~/*\~

**Bella POV**

**Freshman**

So, College.

Dorm rooms.

Normal people.

This was more alien to me than anything I had ever knew – even the sun didn't feel real. It was like I was in some sort of dream.

I was a week late for the Fall semester, so my other roommates had already moved all their stuff in. I didn't have any furniture (thank goodness) and all I had were the clothes and other things that Alice had bought me.

It was about 11 in the morning.

And both of my roommates were there, looking at me like was the best thing since sliced bread.

One of the two girls was a blonde. Her hair was in loose curls, similar to Taylor Swift's. Her eyes were a bright green, and she looked like your stereotypical Cheerleader. Can you go to college for Cheerleading?

The other was a brunette like me. Her hair was straight and came just past her shoulders, with a side fringe complimenting her face. Her eyes were a strong, clear blue, and she was tall, at least 5'9.

"Hi!" The blonde said cheerfully, and eerily like Alice. "My name's Hilary!"

"I'm Annaliese," the other girl introduced. Her voice had a musical note in it, similar to Vampires.

"Bella," I explained, sitting down my stuff onto the only spare bed.

"What are you studying?" Hilary asked. "I'm studying Music. I mean, I've just come from Julliard, but it's so cold there! I detest the cold! I've lived in New York my whole life! I'm sick of their damned cold winters!"

"Umm, I'm not sure." _This was a volunteer things, not pre-decided._

"Hilary, breathe. Restrain yourself!" Annaliese teased, and Hilary, on cue, wrapped her arms around her like she was hugging herself.

"Straight jacket!" She barked out, like a drill sergeant.

I chuckled.

"Don't mind her – she lives on a natural sugar-high. Believe me, you get used to her. That's one of the ways." Annaliese told me kindly, smiling.

"Thanks."

Her accent sounded southern, like Jasper's.

"Yes, I'm from the South – Alabama. Don't worry, I'm an anomaly – not religious. I'm taking Feminist studies, Political Science and Fashion Design. Blondie here is a musical prodigy – she's all about the music. Classical, Rock, Pop, Jazz, country you name it, she can play it, sing it, compose it or dance to it – she's also a classically trained Ballerina."

Wow. I felt so…unaccomplished.

"So, what are you taking?"

I glanced down at my sheet. "Uh, English Lit, American Indian History – pre-European Settlement, Advanced Biology, and basic animal biology."

"Wow. So, what do you wanna be?" Hilary asked – still 'straight-jacketed'

"I don't really know. A teacher probably."

"Which branch?"

"By the looks of things, English, Biology and American History."

"So, where are you from?" Hilary piped up

"Washington State," I supplied.

"Seattle?"

"Forks? You probably haven't heard about it," I probably wouldn't have if Charlie didn't live there. None of my Phoenix friend's had. Not that I ever had many of those.

"Where all those animal attacks were?" Hilary asked, astonished.

"Um, yeah," I felt a blush rise up my cheeks. Great. So they knew where I came from.

"Did they catch whatever it was? Wasn't it like, Bears on steroids or something?" Annaliese chuckled at the statement.

"I don't know – the Killings stopped abruptly. Nothing else was found." _Because the Pack got big enough to make a name for itself. Because the Cullen's came back._

"Oh. It was like, huge here for the Animal Rights and Animal Biology classes. They managed to obtain tracks and reports from the police there – the tracks weren't Bears, but-"

"Wolves," I supplied.

"Hey – how, do you know that?"

"My dad's Chief of Police."

"Oh, well, anyway, it was too big to be a normal wolves track – the got like, four or five of them – all of them slightly different sizes, but all too big to be average wolves. They supposed that they had to be a new breed, that their genetics were somehow different from other Olympic Wolves." Annaliese explained. Wow – this story must have been huge.

"They were going to have a fieldtrip up there, but the Tribal Council didn't want on Tribal lands, and Police didn't want them poking around in the forest, just in case someone got hurt or worse." Hilary piped up again.

"The Tribal leaders were having some big initiation thing going on – like four boys were becoming 'men' – all months apart."

"I remember that. They were supposed to hold the initiations on their birthdays – they were really close together."

Quil, Seth and Leah – the only 'boy' who took offence to the title - had probably stopped an enquiry finding out about the wolves.

"Oh – have you ever seen an Initiation Ceremony? Is that why you took AIHPES?" Annaliese asked.

I looked at her like she'd grown another head. "AIHPES?"

"AIHPES - American Indian History – pre-European Settlement. Is that why you want to study it?"

I shrugged. "That, and I am – was – close to the younger generation of Quiluetes, the ones that were going to run the Tribe, be the next set of Elders."

"Ah, the plot thickens. I want to know everything." Hilary exclaimed, sitting on the end of her bed, legs crossed, looking like it was gossip hour.

"Uh, I have to set up my stuff first," I told her, hoping that she would drop the subject.

"We'll help – I really wanna know!" she exclaimed, and grabbed a small box out of the stuff that Alice had carried.

"Oh! It says '**Forks**' on it!" She exclaimed.

I snatched that off her. "I don't even know what's _in_ that one. Here, if you wanna help, start with the clothes." I gave her a bag, while I sat down and opened the box.

Inside were photos – most of them from the Summer of Jake and Bells. There were family ones as well, ones of the Cullen's. These were my Memories. As well letters from Jake and me during the time both of our father's found us undressing each other while making out on Charlie's couch.

We were both grounded from seeing each other for two weeks – so we wrote letters to each other. Jake would run to my back door, where Charlie would make the exchange. I was always behind Charlie so I could see Jake

He ended up sneaking into my room after his shift ended, so we could make out and talk about patrols and Vampires – I caught Charlie 'screening' Jakes letter one time.

There was also two bracelets – one had the wolf and heart charms on it, the other was something that Billy had made for me – it had coloured beads woven into it, and knots in intricate designs.

That was just before Alice arrived.

It was a way for Billy to say 'welcome into my family' I suppose.

I slid both onto my wrist

"What are those?" Annaliese asked, indicating the photos.

"Memories of good times," I told her.

I grabbed some photo frames that Alice had bought me – because 'they are sooooo cute!' –and put a photo into each of them. One of them was a gaudy Gold frame – a 'gift' from Edward.

Right.

The picture of Edward and me was at the graduation/farewell party, just moments before the Pack had Crashed it, informing all of us that Victoria had returned. Edward was giving the camera his trademark crooked smile, while I was smiling uncertainly, paling beside Edward.

I put that into the gaudy gold frame.

The other Picture was one of Jake and me on First Beach. I was between his legs, laughing and slapping him, while he had his head back, laughing his head off, his arms wrapped securely around my waist. In the far distance, Sam and Emily were walking and Holding hands, while Embry and Leah had a staring contest and Paul and Quil were killing each other. I'm pretty sure that Jared and Seth were fighting over the camera at that time.

I put that into a simple wood and silver frame.

"Here, can you put these on the dresser?" I asked Hilary. Hilary squealed at the Edward picture.

"He is Gorgeous! Is he your boyfriend? Is he straight? Is he single?" She asked in a rush.

I chuckled. "Yes, he's straight, he used to be my boyfriend, he's single. Very old-fashioned though." _And a Vampire._

"Can I have him?" she asked dreamily.

I laughed then. "Sure – if you can find him, you can have him." _If he doesn't try and kill or convert you._

"Who's he?" Annaliese asked, indicating Jake.

"That's Jake – he's my best friend," _and ex-boyfriend. He's also a werewolf. Don't even think about having him. _

"Oh, I sense history! More gossip!" Hilary squealed.

"Don't you two have classes?" I asked exasperatedly.

Annaliese nodded, and Hilary looked guilty.

"We sure do. See you in two hours!" Hilary chimed, grabbed her book bags and Annaliese's arm and danced out of the room.

_Finally, peace and quiet!_ I thought to myself, and finished setting up my photos – I now had a Pack Photo, a Cullen family photo, a picture of Charlie and me, and a picture of Renee and Phil out the front of their new house. Full. Finished.

I packed my clothes away, putting the rest of the photos into the closet (where Alice's ridiculous dresses went). I then put on my new bed spread set (purple and silver), put my favourite books on the bedside table (the complete works of Jane Austen, Anne Rice's Vampire trilogy, a few werewolf sci-fi novels – hey, I had to do my research – the Bronte` sisters, Wuthering Heights, and few others) and then some random DVD's that I had somehow accumulated – including AVATAR.

Jake loved that movie.

I also had Crosshairs – the first 'movie' that we watched together – I still laugh at the bad graphics.

That finished, I realized that I had an actual desk – to put my new Laptop, and my notebooks.

Yay.

I set up the Laptop, checked my email. To see that I had two from Alice, eight from my mum.

Alice's ones were basically that she had arrived okay, that she and Edward were leaving the country, and that Emmet would come and visit me soon.

Mum's emails went from supportive to worry to getting ready to call the FBI and CIA onto me.

I emailed her quickly, telling her that Edward and I had broken up and that I was in Arizona for college. I would be in touch soon.

I also asked how Phil was, how she was, how Jacksonville was, meaningless, superficial crap that mum lived on.

I then sent an email to Emily, asking how things were, not mentioning the whole Edward-and-I-breaking-up thing – she would tell Sam, and then Jake would find out and kill Edward. Instead I asked about how the Pack was, and how the wedding was going.

I didn't expect a reply, but I though I would let her know that I was alive – she could do with that information whatever she wanted.

I had just hit send when Hilary bounced in, sitting at the end of her bed, looking like a puppy expecting left-over's.

I sighed. "Yes?"

"Gossip. Now." She ordered, and I chuckled.

"Okay, um…have you ever had a boyfriend?" And looking at her, I knew what the answer would be.

"No – music is my boyfriend," she told me as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Okay, not the answer I was expecting.

I'm also pretty sure that my mouth hit the floor.

"What? I've never had one, nor do I think I need one."

"Well, the two guys in the pictures, they were my boyfriends."

"How serious?"

"Well, Edward was my first love, Jake my first lover, and I was engaged to Edward for a little."

"In that order?"

"Yeah. Life was…messed up."

_As in like, Soap-opera drama messed up._

"But you aren't with either of them now." She stated.

I nodded. _I like ambiguity._

"Wow."

"Wow," I agreed. _That aptly describes it._

"So…what happened?"

I shrugged. "Edward left me, Jake fixed me, Edward came back, Jake…changed, Edward became controlling and dangerous, I suppose, and then, here I am."

"Wow! I mean, Edward – he's the pale, bronze-haired Adonis, right?"

I nodded. I had described him as much many a time.

"So, he became controlling? How?"

"Well he wouldn't let me see Jake. Like, at all."

"Well, did you want to see him? And did he want to see you too?"

I shrugged. "We're best friends. Always have been."

_Please, don't ask anything else – the wounds are still festering._

"Hmm." She pondered for a moment.

"Okay, so, there's this guy in my Music Theory Class. His name is Alex, and he is dreamy! I mean, his hair falls in eyes all the time, and he's quirky and shy."

I smiled, glad that the conversation had been directed away from me. "Sounds like you like him."

She grinned. "I do! But, I've never had a boyfriend! I mean, how do I go about it? You've had_ two_ amazing boyfriends – and by amazing I mean HAWT – surely, you can help me?"

I grinned. Hilary had a way about her that made you feel like you've known her your whole life. "Not really – they were the ones doing the asking." _Or, you know, begging, reminding, reappearing. Whatever._

"How did they ask you? I mean, Edward was first, yeah? How did he ask you?"

"Well, it was…fast. I mean, I was drawn to him, like…magnets – it was hard to stay away from him. And he started doing things, like picking me up for school, introducing me to his family, stuff like that. And the whole thing was…fast. Like if we didn't we would implode – he was like a drug to me."

"Oh, okay. What about Jake?"

"Jake was… persistent. He would always say that he loved me, always wanted more than friendship. I was still reeling from Edward, so at first I knocked him back. But then, I discovered that it was hard – too hard – to be away from him."

"Like a drug? Like Edward?"

"No, like the Sun – you know how, at first, it's easy to be away from the sunshine, but, once it starts hanging around, you can't get enough of it?"

"Oh, I get it – like when I summered in Australia and Fiji, and when I came back to dreary New York I would sit in Central Park, just to see if the sun would come out."

"Yeah," I wasn't quite sure what I was agreeing to – I certainly hadn't been to Australia or Fiji. "But, eventually, I caved. And, it was effortless, like gravity."

"Not fair! How come you get drugs and gravity and I get…quirky!"

"It didn't start off like that." I reminded her.

"Fine. What do you suggest if you were me?"

"I don't know – ask him for coffee or something. Jake's friend's usually think it's 'hot' if the Girl asks first. Maybe he's just too shy to make the first move."

She nodded again, making mental notes.

I shook my head and smiled. "You're making me feel like an older sister."

"Meh – you get used to that. Annaliese swears that she's gained at least three years of maturity from spending a week with me."

I remembered the 'age game' as it had been christened that Jake and I played that Summer. I remember how he won solely because I weak, and he was mechanical. Really not fair.

I glanced at the clock.

"Shit! I'm late!" I murmured, grabbing some notebooks and pens. "Hey, where's the lecture hall?"

"Next building across, third door on the left!" she called to me as I rushed down the hall, tripping, stumbling and running into things along the way.

In other words, I made it there normally.

Just in time to hear the professor say, "We'll start by studying the Olympic Wolf, and how a certain breed found near Forks, Washington, is several times larger than any other Variety of wolf found anywhere in the world."

I groaned internally. Great, even here, in Arizona, I can't get rid of Jake.

_Not that I really want too – I miss him way too much._

_._

_._

Over the next few weeks, I developed into a routine – study, homework, assignments, stress out, gossip, and party.

Yes. Bella Swan partying.

The first time was scary as hell – I was so unsure about what to expect that I ended up sitting next to Hilary – who was making out with Alex – or staring blankly at the dance floor like it was a portal to an alien world.

That was, of course, until Annaliese found me, gave me a vodka cruiser, and grabbed my hand.

The next thing I knew I was dancing with a guy that I had never seen before, but his eyes were a natural amber, like Edwards, and his hair short and dark, like Jake's.

He whispered something into my ear and I giggled.

Alcohol made me feel weightless, effortless. It kept the pain away temporarily.

It didn't stop the memories.

I left the party a lot earlier then my roommates, and I left alone. I wasn't so drunk that I had sex with a random.

Instead, I sat on my bed, and cried.

Cried about Edward had promised me eternal life – twice – and had hurt me – more than twice – in order to keep me from attaining that.

Cried about how Jake had fixed me, gave me pieces of himself, only for me to drop him the second Edward came back, and put up with all of Edward's bullshit, because I was certain that I loved him.

When, really, I hadn't.

It was Jake who was my first, and, so far, my only. It was Jake who I first thought of when I needed to call someone.

It was never Edward. What I had told Hilary weeks earlier was true – Edward was drug, unhealthy, addictive, making me blind to all the faults, whereas Jake was the sun – My Sun, making me feel alive.

Sometimes several times a day.

And the thoughts depressed me.

I fell in love with the right person at the wrong time. Maybe, if I had fallen in love with Jake first, then I wouldn't be in this mess.

Maybe, if Edward had kept his promise – the one I wanted him to keep – there wouldn't be a mess at all.

How I wished that the pain, the memories, would stop their assault on my brain.

I wasn't ready for this, yet.

And, as I curled myself up, staring at the two charms on my bracelet, I wondered what both my loves were doing.

I wondered if Edward had forgiven himself – it wasn't his fault, what had happened. In retrospect, I had basically preyed on his natural instincts. Not that he'd see it that way – he's see it as weakness.

But I missed his eloquent way of speaking, the way his cold fingertips would trace my face, memorizing it.

I wondered about Charlie – how things were going with his new relationship with Sue – not that he'd say anything. He was still shy.

I wondered about the Pack, about how Quil and Claire were, how Jared and Kim were about to start living together, if Embry had imprinted yet. Whether the two new wolves could cope. Whether Sam was still Alpha.

But, mostly, I wondered about Jacob – whether he was back from California, whether he was Alpha yet.

Whether he missed me as much as I did.

Whether he had imprinted or not.

Yep, Bella Swan sure could party.

My reminiscing and personal pity party was interrupted – by none other than Emmett.

"Emmett!" I squealed and launched myself at him.

He caught me and seeing me around. "Hey little sister! Punched any werewolves lately?" he asked, chuckling.

"None so far. I've come close a few times with the professors though."

"Ooh, tell me more," he drawled.

I chuckled and sat on the bed. "How's Alaska?" I asked him.

"Well, the Denali Clan is very nice – lots of food. And Canadians, surprisingly."

I chuckled at that. Emmet sniffed the air and grinned at me.

"Miss Bella Swan, have you been drinking?"

"Only Vodka Cruisers," _about eight of them._

Emmet _crowed_ at this remark. "Ah, what Jasper would give to see this! He always wondered whether your heightened emotions would change during drunkenness."

I shrugged. "How's wifey?"

"She's good – working in Italy in one of their secret auto shops."

I nodded, feeling a little dizzy.

Emmett's smile softened. "I think it's time someone went to bed," he said softly. Was he always this caring?

"No! You just got here!"

"Bella, I'll be back tomorrow night. We have stuff to catch on. That, and I don't want to be anywhere near you once you get your hangover."

"Do Vampires even get hangovers?"

"Not the way you do," he teased, pulling the sheets over me. "Now sleep. You have classes to get to early in the morning."

"Is the reason you're so good at this because you've done this for like, fifty years?"

He gave his signature booming laugh then – I'm pretty sure the windows shook a little. "Yes Bella, I'll live with that. Now sleep! You have to be nice and sober by tomorrow."

"Careful Emmett – my roommates are crazy – they might just throw themselves at you."

"Nothing compared to Rose, believe you me!"

I nodded and darkness descended.

When I woke up the next morning, with my head pounding quite happily, I looked around, and saw that my roommates where, well, dying. Hilary and Alex were asleep – clothes still on (well, mostly) and asleep in Hilary's bed. Annaliese had picked up a random somewhere along the way, and they were both naked under her covers (thankfully).

I yawned, stretched, and looked at the clock.

9:01

"Shit!" I yelled loudly, and fell out of bed. I – we – were all late for our classes.

I stood up quickly, and slapped Hilary and Alex, and snapped my fingers next to Annaliese's ear.

"What?" she asked groggily.

"We're late. You have Theory today, remember?"

She nodded sleepily, then her eyes went wide and she sprung out of bed, letting the random fall to the floor, much like I had done earlier.

"OW!" he exclaimed loudly.

"No time for that Rhys!" Annaliese exclaimed, chucking random clothes at him. By this time, Hilary and Alex were also awake, and the room was in a general state of confusion.

I was the first one out – alive, that is. I stumbled out into the hall way, hair disarrayed, probably puffy from crying, probably looking like shit from last night, my headache worse.

But alive.

And only a little bit late to add.

That night, Emmett came back. We talked, all about his university, about how his family was doing, about where Alice had dragged Edward, things like that.

We talked about my brief stay and university, about my roommates, my classes, my friends.

Emmett was really nice, and funny. Different from Edward and Jacob, more like Carlisle, in the sense that he was truly happy for me, and the way he talked, his mannerisms, reminded me of Carlisle, and Charlie – even Billy.

He had fatherly mannerisms.

He would have made a great father.

"When will you be back next?" I asked him, at about four in the morning.

"It's Alice's turn next time." He informed me with a grin. "You'd better be up-to-date with all the gossip – she will interrogate you."

"When will that be?"

"Within the next month or two."

"Will I get any warning? An email?"

"She can't do much – we're trying to keep Edward from knowing that we are still seeing you. It wouldn't seem fair – to him – for _us_ to see you, be a part of your life, and not him."

"Oh. Well, that makes sense, I suppose."

He nodded, and smiled at me again.

I hugged him then, and he turned it into one of his bear hugs – the ones that didn't crush your spine _unlike Jacob's. Plus, I can still breathe!_

"Tell everyone I said hi, will you?" I told him

He nodded. "See you in the next few months Bella. Don't worry, we'll be in touch – well, I can, I'm not in contact with him much – only ever now and then, to give Alice time with Jasper, time for her to see you. We're trying to develop a pattern, so he doesn't suspect."

I nodded, feeling the tears well up.

"Don't cry Bella. We're close now, so just breathe."

"You need to feed soon," I reminded him, ignoring him comment. His eyes were losing their golden, molten amber colour, edging towards the dark.

"Yes mum," he replied cheekily, and I slapped his arm.

"Be good, or I'll tell Rose."

"Ooooooo, starting with threats now, are we?"

"Yes we are,"

"Well, if you don't go to sleep now, you're going to miss your first class tomorrow morning."

I groaned. "Fine. Good night Emmett. See you – and Alice – soon."

He kissed my cheek and hugged me once more.

"Be good Bella." He told me. "Stay upright."

And he vanished.

"Ha, ha, ha. Such a comedian," I grumbled, before I slowly fell asleep.

I didn't see the Cullen's again – or hear from them – for another month and a half.

But it was fine – I was busy. November was well over, and the campus was getting ready for an Arizona winter – in other words, we changed the singlets to shirts.

We also had to dig up a few umbrellas. Even though it was dry, it got rain every now and again in winter.

We all had two weeks off – thanksgiving, Christmas and new years. I was considering going back to Forks, to see Charlie, when my mum asked me to stay with her.

It was the best invite I was going to get.

And I hadn't been to Jacksonville before.

A few days before I had leave, Alice turned up, looking like a runaway model.

"Alice!" I squealed, throwing myself at her.

"Bella!" she squealed back.

We hugged and caught up on what I had been doing since Emmett left – not much, mostly studying for half-yearlies, which were set to start late February, going on past April. I'm pretty sure mine were all in April, so I was covered, for a bit at least.

Alice told me all about her and Edward's University – they were studying at Dartmouth, like anticipated.

"It's so beautiful there – especially in the Autumn. I personally prefer Yale, the campus is bigger, but Dartmouth is closer to more outlets."

"Sounds perfect for you," I told her.

"I'm so upset that you didn't get to come. It would have been perfect!"

"Alice, I'm not one for perfect." I reminded her.

"I know, but it still would have been grand!"

"Grand, I can agree with."

"Oh! Are these your roommates?" she asked, pointing to a relatively new photo of Annaliese, Hilary, Alex and Rhys and I together at a party – when most of us were still sober.

"The girls are, yeah. The guys are kinda their boyfriends. I think." _I have to talk to these girls about that._ I told myself.

"It's alright, I already know the outcome of _that_ conversation. They're both so sweet!"

I smiled. She and Hilary would get along spectacularly.

"Come on, I'm going to introduce you to Hilary, while I talk to Annaliese." I told her, walking her over to where Hilary was pouring over her Music Theory book (one of many).

"Hilary, Alice. Alice, Hilary. Go wild." I told them, while I hunted down Annaliese.

"Annie, my girl, we have to talk," I told her, making her squirm.

"It's about Rhys, isn't it?"

"Hell yeah." I told her. She sighed and sat down. I sat down next to her.

"Ok, what do you want to know?" she asked timidly. This wasn't the strong girl I knew. Man, she was mellow today. I wonder if she was still hung-over.

"Are you going out with him?"

"Tonight yes, tomorrow, no,"

"Annie," I said threateningly.

"As in, girlfriend/boyfriend?"

"No, as is moon or Mars. Of course boyfriend/girlfriend!"

She sighed. "He's everything I never wanted but suddenly everything I ever needed. Make sense?"

I smiled at her, and she visibly relaxed. Was I that scary? "Makes perfect sense."

_My last two boyfriends started out exactly the same way._

"But, I mean, we've already had sex, and we're in college and all,"

"But?"

"What about after? I mean, he's a Junior! He's gone the year after next! I mean, do I get out now? Or then? What if we fall in love? Or I get pregnant?" She looked so sad, over the last fact – not scared, just sad, as if it reminded her of something.

"Annie, slow down," I chuckled. "Stop freaking out. Have you had this conversation with him yet?"

She shook her head. "I don't want to seem…silly."

"Worrying about the future isn't silly. What I did was silly. I based my whole life around Edward – I mean, my future, my career, my _life_ around him. And then, one day, he left, basically without warning. My dad said it was like I acted like someone had died. And they had – _I _had died. He was my future. So, in my mental frame of mind, I was dead. _That _was silly. We had never really talked about after tomorrow. About college, or marriage. We had both just assumed that we would end up together forever." _Quite literally._

"What happened when he came back?" She asked, still timid.

"We had both changed – he had been just as depressed as I was – he even tried to kill himself. But I had moved on – I had found love again. With Jacob. And we talked about the future, all the time. Like our kids, or how one of us would say 'that'll be us in twenty years time', how I would say I wanted a blue house, and he would say he wanted a beach wedding. We talked, planned the future. But when Edward came back, we picked up where we left off – falling into old habits. But I fought him. I wanted to have those conversations with him, he wasn't so ready. I guess that's partly why our relationship died."

"What happened to Jake? I mean, you had your future planned out together. And you…dropped him?"

I nodded. It was true, as shameful as it was to admit. "Edward was my first love – I was still – still am, and always will be – in love with Edward. They say you don't forget your first love. And so I ran back to him, wishing that it would be the same. But you see, I was Jake's first love. He understood – he was awesome like that - but he fought for me. Whenever Edward went camping – the whole family goes. Not me though. I'm not…outdoor-sy."

"I've noticed," she said slyly.

"Yes, well, Jake would turn up, with motorcycles, or his Rabbit, and we would talk. He would try to win me back." _Came close a few times too,_ "I mean, our relationship moved back to best friends – for me at least. He and Edward never got along – they saw one another as 'mortal enemies'"

"So, how come neither has you?"

"Because, I left with Edward. We were going to get engaged, live forever. But…something…happened. So, I came back here. I grew up in Phoenix mostly, you know. I mean, I lived in Forks until I was about eight, then when my parents divorced, it was Phoenix, then back to Forks, then back here."

"Are you going back there? To Forks after college?"

"I don't know," I told her truthfully. "Now, about Rhys…"

That night, after I had prying Hilary and Alice away from each other, Alice filled me in on Edward.

"He's getting by – we're hunting up all our pasts. His and Mine. I mean, I know about my niece, and all, but Uncles, Aunts – how Edward's parents had so much money. I mean, do you know how many _diamonds_ she left him?"

"Any luck so far?"

"Apart that he came from old money? Not much. We're looking for ties today. Not that we'd be allowed into any of their circles, no matter how much money we have now."

"Does he ask about me?" I asked timidly. I already knew the answer – separation for us wasn't an easy thing. But I wanted to know the degree of pain I was inflicting.

"Constantly. He's always badgering me for visions, about whether we've heard anything from you. About whether you've gone back to Jacob, or your mother's, or you're in college. All we've told him is that you sent me an email, saying that you're looking at colleges for the Spring. It keeps him sated. Come Spring I don't know what we'll do though – we can' tell him, because he'll just go there, or here, and there'll be a big mess – he's already made up his mind of seeing you, and I can already see what that will bring."

I nodded. "What's he been doing in the meantime?"

"He's studying Medicine, like always, and also Psychology. It's only ever been a real interest to him since he can't hear into your mind – he wants to see how your emotions, your reactions can link to what you're thinking."

"He's planning his future around me." I stated.

She nodded affirmation.

"Alice, what I can't do it? What if, after college, I can't see him? What if I find someone? What if I go back, go back to Jacob? What about the Volturi?"

"Bella, calm down. Carlisle has told me to tell you, that should you not want to become a Vampire, then he'll go to Aro himself, and tell him that he's going to study you – see why you have such a strong power while you're human."

"And that'll stop Aro?"

"We don't know. Until you decide what you're going to do, Carlisle can't form any decisions of his own. It's so frustrating!"

I nodded. I knew the feeling.

"Bella, I'm leaving in the morning – I can't leave Emmett with Edward alone for too long. Emmett isn't as good as shielding his thoughts as he thinks he is – we don't want him to stuff up. Neither of you are ready for a meeting like that."

"When will you and Emmett visit next?"

"Emmett will visit you in January."

I nodded. That was fair. "When do you leave?"

"I have to go and check out of my motel soon, so another hour or two."

"You want a tour?" I asked shyly.

She agreed heartily, seeing as I hadn't given Emmett one.

Soon after the tour ended, she left.

And, unlike last time, I didn't cry at her departure.

Maybe, just maybe, I was getting stronger.

When I arrived at Jacksonville Airport, Renee and Phil were waiting for me.

"Bella! Sweetie Pie! You grew!" Renee said, hugging me.

"College looks good on you," Phil agreed.

"Yeah, freshman year isn't as busy as other years. Apparently."

"Phil, look at her! She's practically glowing! Come on sweetie, time to show you our house!"

Renee filled me in on the comings and goings of her and Phil's life – both were still very young. Renee was only about 39, 40, and Phil was about 35, 36.

Also, Renee was pregnant.

"Mum, that's awesome!"

"It's a little boy." She whispered.

"Why are we whispering?" I whispered back, smiling at her.

"Because Phil doesn't want to know."

"What about painting the nursery?"

"Blue is acceptable to both sexes." Phil told me, rather louder than usual, making both Renee and I jump.

"So, how long?"

"I'm just entering my second trimester – so about three and a half months along."

"Only four and a half to go!" Phil said happily.

It was good that they were having a baby. It would also be very cute.

I'd be an older sister.

A proper one.

"I'll come around in the summer then – _it'll_ – be born then," I said carefully, so not to 'give it away'. "Mum, I'm surprised you haven't told him yet – it's not like you to keep secrets."

"Well, I'm keeping this one – I didn't tell Charlie what you were either, and I kept I from him for seven months, I can keep it away from Phil for another four."

"Four and a half," Phil corrected her, earning himself a swat from Renee.

"So, how's Edward?" Phil asked casually.

Renee death-glared him. "Oh, right, sorry." He said quickly, focusing back on the road.

"He's good. Alice came to see me a few days ago – they're both at Dartmouth at the moment. They're looking up their family histories, and he's studying Medicine and Psychology."

"He wants to be a shrink?"

I grinned at his comment. "Something like that."

"And Alice?"

"Fashion."

"Makes sense," she agreed. "So, what about you? What are you studying?"

"English lit, Native American History – Pre-European settlement, and Biology, both Advanced and basic animal."

"So, you wanna teach?" Phil asked me uncertainly.

I grinned. "Something like that hopefully."

"Where?"

"I don't know – wherever I feel like going."

"Bella, I never took you for a rambler." Phil said, with mock-shock in his voice.

"Wherever the wind may take me," I agreed sarcastically.

"Well, hopefully that wind will take you back here more often. I've missed you like crazy. Look! Here we are! The egg-shell blue one, on the left!"

The house was small, and blue, with a red door. I wonder if Renee had painted that herself.

It was small too, a nice fit for her and Phil – and the Baby.

"So, where am I sleeping?"

"You're in the nursery – well, the nursery will be in your room. We're still deciding on colours to paint it – which shade of blue. I still have all of your baby stuff – the crib, the high chair, some of your toys, so we don't need to shop for most of those. Just décor."

"Well, I'll help while I'm here, if you like. After all, this kid _is_ getting my room and all."

Phil grinned at this, and led us inside, pointing out where the bathroom was, the kitchen, living room, 'man-land', their bedroom, and finally, my bedroom.

"So, I'll put your stuff here, and you can unpack and stuff." Phil said. "Renee, I think I'll cook tonight. You two catch up."

He ducked down the hall, and mum handed me my clothes – marvelling at my wardrobe – which had, thanks to Alice – been altered since the last time Renee had seen it.

I still slept in Jake's shirts though. They even smelled like him still.

"Did Alice take you shopping or something?" she asked, holding up a rather skimpy bra and thong set.

"Well, I certainly didn't pick that out." I told her. "I didn't even know I had that. I just grabbed handfuls of stuff and threw it in."

"Good – because I don't think you'll be here long enough to show anyone this," she flung it at me, and I grinned at her.

"I know."

"So, met any cute boys lately?" she wiggled her eyebrows at me.

I laughed. "Mum, I think I'm still reeling."

"No one reeling ever buys these," she said, throwing another set – a black and pink frilly set – at me.

"That's because Alice bought them. Not me."

"Hmm. Maybe Alice is trying to corrupt you. Maybe she isn't a good influence."

"Mum, its college. I think the idea is to get corrupted, and grow out of it by the time you leave."

_You should see our parties. And to think that just about all of us are underage too._

"I know – I went there for a year or two."

"Really?"

"I majored in Art. What are you majoring in, anyway?"

"I'm doing a double-major – English lit. and Biology. I'm just taking AIHPES because it's interesting."

_And because of Jake._

"Hmm. And that Quiluete boy had nothing to do with it?"

_Damn_. "Nope." I lied. Maybe I was better at that as well.

"Mmhmmm," she replied, not at all believing me.

"Mum, I'm serious!"

"Sure you are. I'm going to start dinner," she said, standing up. I winced – my mum could be a very good cook – so long as she followed the recipe, and didn't 'add' things if she felt like the recipe was lacking something. Like chillies. Or olives. Or fish oil. That pizza was disgusting.

She caught my grimace and laughed. "Bella, I'm not as…inventive as I used to be. After all, I have to make sure that Phil hangs around. I can't exactly do that if he's not eating."

I nodded, and swallowed. This was going to be interesting.

The next day, things with Renee went smoothly – I saw my first ultra-sound of my baby brother (not that Phil went – he was a little paranoid about being able to 'tell'), discussed baby names – they really liked the names Blake, Jack, Dylan and Elliot for boys, and Carrie, Miley, Amy or Laura for girls.

Out of those names, I preferred Jack and Laura. Renee and I only threw around girl names to entertain Phil. I think he was hoping for a little girl.

And after we went baby shopping, for clothes, diapers and of that kind of stuff. Alice would have loved it.

I was put on 'stuffed toy' duty, while Renee and Phil were looking at prams and bath toys.

I chose a few cute things out – like Winnie the Pooh, a few ducks, Elmo, a couple of plush cows and elephants

But when I saw a wolf, I froze in place. It wasn't a grey and white wolf, like they usually make to resemble huskies. It was a red wolf. Like Jake.

And I had to buy it – for myself. I needed a reminder of Jake in my life, besides the memories.

After I had an armful of toys, I went shopping for myself. I got stationary, a few new notebooks, and a few tourist things for Annie and Hilary.

I found a little card shop with collectables, that had a carved animal ark, that came in three sizes. They had elephants and giraffes, horses and rabbits, wolves.

Why was I seeing wolves today?

That question didn't stop me from buying them. They were a trio – one standing, alert. Another was lying down asleep, the last was panting, tongue out, looking very pleased with itself, like it had just eaten.

Jake often looked like that – completely content – after eating to his satisfaction, which was rarely, seeing as I only cleaned the fridge every now and then.

I also bought a few stuffed husky dogs. Because they were cute – and good projectiles for whenever Annie brought Rhys back, and they were getting…frisky. Stuffed animals worked really well in those instances. Also shoes and text books.

Once that was done, I hunted out Renee and Phil – who were both loaded up like pack horses.

"Remind me to never shop with girls again – especially if I'm paying." Phil said to himself, making Renee and I laugh.

After we packed up the truck – which was still alive, on its last legs, but still alive none the less, we went back to Renee's house, I cooked and we talked about the baby.

The next day, Phil had to work, and Renee went grocery shopping, leaving me home alone.

I decided to check my email – I had brought my laptop with me – and found one from Alice, one from Emmett, and one from Emily.

I felt the chair disappear.

Emily.

Emily had replied.

I felt my heart, which had healed somewhat, at least, the Edward parts had. But having a direct line to Jacob, sent me over the edge.

'_Dear Bella,' _It read. _'I am pleased to hear that you are at college, alive. The pack are all well, as is Charlie, which I am sure you know. Sam and I are getting married in April. Please, call me when you get this.'_

I exhaled sharply.

April. I could make it, right?

I mean, a chance to see them all again.

**All** of them.

I dialled Emily's number, which I knew off my heart and back the front, and Sam picked up.

"Hullo?" his deep voice answered. He sounded tired. Maybe he was running extra shifts again? Maybe there had been a vampire scare?

"Hi. Is Emily there?"

"Sure thing. Emily!" I hear him yell, though he covered the mouth piece.

"Got it!" She hollered back. "Hello?"

"Hi, it's Bella." I said, feeling a little…strange.

"Oh my God," Emily breathed. "You're really still alive!"

I chuckled. "Yeah, takes more than me to kill myself." _Did that even make sense?_

"It's so good to hear from you! So, about the wedding, it's in the last week of April. You'll be a bridesmaid and everything!"

Last week of April. Exams. _Hmm…should I try and bluff my way out? _"Emily, are you sure it'll be fine? With everything that happened, I mean, I wouldn't want to intrude…"

"Oh, the boys will get over it. I know Quil is looking forward to having you back. He misses you."

I felt a bump rise in my throat. "And…Jake?"

I heard her inhale sharply. "He's…Good."

Ambiguous. Not 'He's missing you' or 'He's off his face all the time' just 'he's good'. Do you know how many possible meaning 'good' could have?

"And Billy?"

"Downhill at the moment."

"Downhill? What do you mean?"

I heard silence on the other end. My heart started to race.

"Bella, Billy has Cancer. I though Charlie would have told you?"

I shook my head. "No. He never mentioned it. But, Charlie doesn't usually talk about much. How bad?"

"As bad as it can be. We're helping, surviving."

I felt a tear roll down my cheek. "Will…will you keep me posted? I mean, if it gets worse?"

"Sure Bella. We all know you love him too."

"Thanks. Ah, can let you know about the wedding? My mum's pregnant, and uh, she's…Renee." I said carefully.

Emily chuckled. "Sure thing. I'll need, like, a week's notice. Just so I get an extra bouquet and stuff. You can pick your own dress. The colour is Blue."

"Thanks. I've got to go now – I think I'm burning lunch," I told her, and we chuckled, but mine sounded hollow.

Billy was dying.

"Ok Bella, I'll let you go save lunch. Bye,"

"Bye."

I slumped down against the wall.

I felt like my past had caught up with me, only just, but it was crumbling away. Life wasn't supposed to be like this. Life was going to be good – college, marry, job, kids, old age, retire, grandkids. Death. That was the plan – even while I was with Edward, I had assumed that things would happen like that – because, truth be told, all I ever knew how to be, was human

Jake was human.

Edward…kinda.

If it all came down to it, Jacob let me live.

Edward, wanted me to _exist._

Oh God, I was so naive! Edward had wanted me to change who I was, my very being, for an eternal life of shadow, of existing with people, viewing life, human life as a spectator!

Jake had never wanted me to change - he had loved me at my lowest point – even when I fell off that damn cliff, even when I was crazy, hearing Edward's voice everywhere. He loved _me._ Not my smell, my blood, but _me._

And then, the tears started coming, the sobs hacking at my heart, racking my body to an uncontrollable shuddering mass of me.

I don't know how long I was like that, thinking _Jacob was right. I love him. Stupid Edward._

Renee found me eventually.

Instead of asking, she just held me. And that was really only all I needed – to be held. But, instead, I longed for arms that were warm, warmer than anything else. Arms that kept me warm, arms that kept me alive.

Eventually, the tears ebbed away.

That was when Renee started asking questions.

"Bella, honey, are you alright? What happened?"

I shrugged. "Billy has Cancer." I mumbled. That was as big a bombshell for her as it was for me.

She started crying then – I'm pretty sure she was crying before that. Hormones and all.

That's how Phil found us.

And, for the next few days, I stayed in my room, hugging the wolf plushie to my chest, remembering Jacob. Remembering his warmth, his smile, his giant russet wolf-form that at times was more comforting than human-Jake.

Certainly more comforting than Edward had been at times.

He was compassionate yes, but distant. Afraid to get close.

So unsure of himself, so uncomfortable to be himself around me.

Not like Jake – who was himself around me at all times – sometimes saying the most outrageous, completely inappropriate things, like 'God, your boobs are big today' or 'I like your arse' – usually in front of either Billy or a pack member. Those always got a blush out of me, unstoppable laughter from them, and earned Jacob a slap and isolation for at least an hour – which was as good as a week or a month or a year for us.

And he usually let gas go – at anytime it happened to need passing. Burping, belching farting – you name it, chances were that he had done it – around me, on me or underneath me.

As much as it grossed me out, it was funny and cute – something entirely Jake. Something I couldn't reprimand him for – who was I to change the perfection that was Jake?

And, as I lay there, enjoying my pity party, I couldn't help but wish – wish with all the remnants of my heart – that one day, I could be that girl, who was, for once in her life, complete, happy, confident in herself.

That year, Thanksgiving was a quiet one.

No one smiled, told funny stories about the last year's tragedies of this day.

I rolled around the food on my plate, until I mumbled my excuses and went to my room.

The tears didn't start then.

I had nothing left to cry with – nothing to cry about either.

This fate, where I was now, I had brought upon myself. I had seen the darkness of Edward, seen the emptiness of his life, the shadows, the life-or-death wherever you turn moments that vampires seemed to bring with them, and I had seen the goodness of Jake, lived that full exciting, terrifying, always-at-boiling-point life of Jake.

And I had chosen shadows. Death.

How idiotic of me.

I deserved this.

But, I also deserved to fight this. Who said that just because I throw away everything good in my life that I had to just except it?

I wasn't like Jake, who seemed to bounce back from every tragedy like a rubber ball, or Edward, who shouldered every mistake, every near-death experience. Not like Renee, who ran away from the problem, not like Charlie, who turned towards his job, his TV and his fish. No, I wasn't going to be like that. I was going to accept, and try to make things better.

I was going to fight with whatever I had left.

I was going to do this thing – without a strong supernatural being holding my hand and watching my back.

Sure, I wasn't a vampire, with impossible, unattainable perfection, nor a Werewolf who was invincible, unbeatable.

I was human. And so help me God – or whoever it was up there that everyone abused daily – I was going to fight like one – dirty, complicated, with all I had, dragging everything and everyone with me.

Who knows? I might actually win.


	7. The Girl I Used To Be

**The Girl I Used to Be**

~/*\~

**People say that I have changed, but really, I have only found myself. **

~/*\~

**College (Middle of January) BPOV**

"Bella you're back!" Hilary screeched, flinging herself upon me like I had just rescued a preschool from Godzilla.

"Whoa! Yes Hilary, I'm back. How was…"

"Australia? Fantastic! They have the cutest animals over there! I held a koala! And fed a kangaroo! And raced an emu!"

"What on earth is an Emu?"

"A big bird that can't fly! They look like real hairy ostriches."

_Yeah, because I see an ostrich everyday on the way to class._

"Hilary! Retrain yourself!" Annie barked from behind me.

Hilary complied with the 'straightjacket'.

"Wow Bella – you're not blinding pale anymore! In fact, you look almost normal!" Annaliese exclaimed, hugging me.

"I think you got taller! Now I really look like a midget!"

"Nah, its fine – you're still taller than Hilary by a little."

"Hey Annie! Guess what – I saw a Platypus! And an echidna! And an Emu! And a Tasmanian Devil!"

"As in Warner Brothers?"

"As is little black creature that can eat all your fingers!"

She said with such enthusiasm that it scared both of us. If she started foaming at the mouth, it would have completed the picture.

"Hilary, breathe. In through nose, out through mouth. Good now, go play Bach!" I said in the same tone you reserve for ordering a puppy to catch the ball.

Hilary giggled and even yipped, before grabbing her violin and broke out into an awesome solo.

"Hilary – that's new, right?"

"I saw Emilie Autumn while I saw there! She has the most awesomest solos! I'm thinking about collaborating – she has an electric violin. I prefer classical though. And she plays the harpsichord!"

I shook my head. "Here, Hil, catch this." I told her, throwing her a little keychain with the world 'Jacksonville' splashed proudly over it.

I tossed a mini-pushy to Annaliese, who was just as ecstatic over her gift as Hilary was.

"It's so cute!" Hilary exclaimed.

I grinned – I liked giving gifts to Hilary. Like giving presents to a child.

"So, Bella, did anything interesting happen to you over break?" Annaliese asked, playing with the pushy.

"Uh…" _think fast! They can't know about Billy. Or how I cried for a week over the mess my life has become._ "My mum is pregnant."

Both girls screeched. "Really? OMG that is amazing!"

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Uh, a boy."

"Picked any names?"

"Jack, Dylan, Blake and Elliot."

"Wow, they're good names – different too. I mean, Blake?"

"Well, my mum is a bit…unorthodox. Most of the time anyway."

"Wow. So, did you get anything while baby-shopping?"

"A couple of missiles." I held up a bag as proof.

"Oooh, any ones that I can have?" Hilary asked.

"I don't know. I have couple that I'm definitely keeping," _namely wolves, _"but I might be able to find you something. I think I might have a giraffe…"

"A giraffe? Like Alfie!" Hilary exclaimed.

"Who's Alfie?" I asked.

"I went to a fair and I won a stuffed giraffe! The thing is, my next door neighbour's dog pulled it to pieces. Their son – Alfred – saved as much as he could and got his mother to try and fix it up. So, my patched giraffe is Alfie."

"Here – have a new Alfie." I told her, throwing her the giraffe.

"But what can I call him? I mean, it's not like you have a dog or anything that will eat it on me." She joked.

_I might have a wolf back home – I don't know what he thought of giraffes though._

"Call it whatever you want."

"How about Dylan?" Annaliese suggested. "Or maybe Elliot? Out of Bella's mum's baby names."

"I like Elliot." Hilary decided.

"And I like being on time for class," Annaliese quipped. "Come on girlies – time for class."

And, just like that, things returned to normal.

I wondered, though, during my biology lecture, when Emmett was visiting next.

Well, at least I _was_ until something hit my shoulder. I looked up, and saw this guy with the most extraordinary silver eyes.

"Hey – I dropped my pen," he whispered and pointed down. I looked down and saw a pen next to my foot. I grabbed it and handed it to him.

"Thanks," he whispered. "My name's Matt."

"Bella," I replied.

That entire lecture, I'm pretty sure that Matt stared at my back the whole time.

Afterwards, he waited for me after class – he even caught me when I tripped on the door stop.

"Thanks," I told him, shouldering my bag.

"No problem. Do you have any more classes now?"

"Uh, hang on a sec," I told him as I grabbed my schedule. "I have an AIPES lecture I should probably turn up for."

"I'll walk with you – I'm headed in that direction anyways."

I nodded and together we set off. The most extraordinary thing – apart from his eyes – was the fact that he was, well, normal. Didn't run at extreme temperatures, didn't crave blood, didn't magically transform into a mythical creature. The only time he shook was from cold – not anger, or losing control.

He was human.

And the fact that I was actually getting along with one surprised me a lot.

We both dawdled outside the lecture hall.

"Well, I guess this is it," I told him and went to turn in side. He tapped my shoulder.

"I'm not really good at this, but, what time does this finish?" He asked his silver eyes a little uncertain.

"Uh, a little after 4, I think," _recalling from a very damaged and fraying memory._

"Um, would you mind waiting for me afterwards?"

"Not at all. See you after 4 then."

He smiled at me – it reminded me of Charlie. It really made both of them look a lot handsomer when they smiled.

He also gave a half-shy wave.

I smiled. He was so different from the over-confident Jake, and seriously self-assured Edward. He probably had just as much insecurity as I did.

That lecture though, I'm sure, was devised completely from Karma.

"Today, we will be discussing the roles of members of tribesmen – namely, the chiefs and their legacies."

I groaned internally.

The universe was definitely conspiring against me.

At about 4:05, we were set free. I raced out of the hall and straight into Matt.

"Well, if I'd had known you'd be that glad to see me, I would have introduced myself earlier." He said, smiling at me as he held my arms while I righted myself.

"Hi," I said – rather lamely.

"Hi. Do you want to go for coffee?" He said, rather straightforwardly – the way Huge Grant delivers his lines.

I smiled at him. "Sure – can I meet you somewhere? I've got to drop off all of this stuff," I asked, shrugging my shoulder bag.

"Oh, I'll carry that for you," he offered.

I smiled but moved away slightly. "My memory is real bad – I'd probably forget that I let you hold it, and then I'd be looking for you desperately tomorrow morning." _I really don't want you to see that I have a wolf pushy in there that I sometimes have to stroke during AIPES to remind myself not to cry at any mention of 'Totem Creatures' or 'Tribe'. I don't want you to see that I carry around pictures of my former lovers, just to make sure that I'm not going insane._

_I don't want you to see that this façade is as brittle as my sanity – as fragile as fairy wings._

"Ah – you've seen through my evil genius plan," he chuckled. "Okay then, the Bean? In about, 15 minutes?"

"Sounds like a plan," I agreed and walked off. My hand drifted towards my bag, and I didn't stop myself from stroking the wolf's ear.

I prayed that whatever was going to happen with Matt and me wouldn't cause me any more pain, or cause me to inflict it.

I was tired of playing damsel, and tired of playing monster – the monster whose dirty deeds weren't recognized because the ones I hurt are the ones who love me.

After I dumped my bag, and told the girls where I would be, and that I should be back hopefully before 7, and changed my clothes (which stunk like cigarette smoke, after someone had lit up next to me – and continued to light up every ten minutes) I carefully walked down to the Bean.

With one minute to spare.

"Hey, you came!" Matt said, sounding a little surprised. Did people blow him off often?

"Yeah – not much homework, mostly study."

"Can I get you a coffee?" he asked nervously.

I nodded. "Black with 2 sugars," I told him. I liked my coffee like I loved Jake – dark and sweet. I liked my ice cream like Edward – cold, pale and old-fashioned. I loved old-English toffee.

"So," he said, as he sat down, handing me my coffee. "You're taking AIPES?"

"Yeah, you know what it stands for, yeah?"

"That I do. That class was in uproar last year – with the tribal elders up at Washington State not letting them go up and observe the initiation rites."

I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat.

"You were here last year?" I asked, changing the topic.

"Yeah – I'm a sophomore. I'm only taking Biology as a make-up subject because when I transferred, they weren't running my course. I'm taking a double-major. What about you?"

"I'm doing the double-major thing as well. Biology and English lit."

"No kidding."

"So, what subject was you studying that isn't here?"

"Supernatural Studies."

I coughed into the coffee. "Hot," I muttered, as an explanation.

"Don't worry; it usually takes people by surprise."

"Where were you studying that at?"

"Before here? Yale."

"Wow. Why did you transfer?"

"My family lives around here, and I got into a huge fight with my Dad – who I lived with in New York. So, back to Phoenix I came."

"My roommate came from New York as well – Hilary. She studied at Julliard, until the cold got too much for her."

"New York is a big place, and I'm not exactly…musically gifted. I have been known, however, to sing very off-key while excessively drunk."

I smiled at him. He was quirky. I'd never had quirky before.

So, we talked, about him and his studies, about how my classes were going, talking about safe topics that didn't include past romantic relationships. We talked about our families – about how messed up they were. About old best friends, and stupid high school mistakes. He really made me feel…human.

"So, your boyfriend let you off the hook tonight?"

"I don't have a boyfriend." I told him, giving him a strange look. Why would I have a boyfriend?

"Oh, sorry. I mean, I girl like you can't be single for long, right?"

I shrugged, not at all liking the swing in conversational topics. "What about your girlfriend? She decided that she'd have the night off?"

He chuckled. "Nope – no girlfriend. Free as a bird. Free as the wind. Free as the river as it flows to the oceans. Free-"

"As the words coming out of your mouth." I cut in, both of us grinning. "Look, I have to get back, but it was great having coffee with you," I told him, smiling as I stood up.

"Yes, well. It was delightful. Um, here is my number – just in case you want to do this again."

"Thanks," I said, taking the scrap of paper and turning away.

I had reached the door when he called out to me. "Oh, Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"What's your favourite flower?"

_What?_ "Um, daffodils?" I replied uncertainly.

He grinned. "Thanks."

I waved and walked out, shaking my head. What went on in that boy's mind I would never know.

When I got back to the apartment, Hilary was playing space invaders on her phone and Annaliese was fiddling with her laptop.

"Hey Bella – some big guy, Emmett called for you. Said he would be coming around tomorrow. Is he your boyfriend?"

"No – he's Alice's foster brother."

"Ah – why is he coming over? I mean, doesn't he go to college someplace else?"

"He's married and out of college at the moment," _for the moment, anyway,_ "And Rosalie – his wife – is in Italy for a little while. I guess he's just missing me. I'm a great source of amusement for him."

"Well, you are very clumsy," Hilary said, before falling off the bed.

We all laughed at that. "So where were you Bella?" Hilary asked, after fixing herself up.

"Yeah – heard you had a 'hot date' and all."

"You mean with Matt?"

"Ooohhh," they both chimed like primary-schoolers. "Matt,"

"We went for coffee, that's all."

"Bella, in this day and age, coffee rarely means 'coffee' anymore."

"Whatever." I told them. "I'm going for a shower. Keep my admirers at a distance." I told them sarcastically, before going to the bathroom.

As I stepped outside though, was a note, and on it, was a daffodil.

I blushed and smiled. Matt was certainly going to make a name for himself.

The next day, during a biology demonstration, Matt teamed up with me, spending the whole time trying to make me laugh instead of paying attention.

After that, we had lunch together. It was nice – a welcome change from serious study and the girls.

We didn't make any plans that night though – I'm pretty sure that Matt didn't want to press his luck.

And besides, Emmett was coming over.

"Bella! Where are you little sister?" He hollered as he stomped up our hallway.

I chuckled and walked out into the hallway. "Hey you idiot."

He grinned and hugged me fiercely. "Missed you little sis. So, do anything stupid lately?"

I chuckled. "Not lately – but do you want to meet my roommates? They're dying to meet the famous you."

"Famous am I? Well, I can't let down my adoring fans, can I?"

I shook my head, grinning. "You're such an idiot. Come on."

That night, we all stayed up late, with Hilary asking stupid questions – which Emmett answered with glee, and Annaliese asking about Rosalie. Well, she was until Emmett showed them a picture.

I'm pretty sure her eyes bugged out of her head. "She's…beautiful! Is she a model?"

Emmett and I chuckled – I really don't know how Rosalie hadn't managed to get herself into that industry – they would kill for her.

"No – she's my little grease monkey. Particularly Italian sport cars. At the moment, she's having a fling with a Ferrari Enzo. A red one."

"What happened to her M3?" I asked him. As far as I knew, that was her only on going love – besides Emmett.

"Oh, she's still got that – She's just having a fling. Her M3 is for life."

I chuckled. "What is it with her and red cars?"

He shrugged. "What can I say? Red goes faster."

"And gets pulled over by cops a lot more," Hilary chipped in.

Emmett and I burst out laughing – it's very hard to catch Rosalie's M3 – she had souped up the engine something fierce. She could almost beat Emmett in a race.

"Rose is very fast."

So, eventually, Emmett ended up 'crashing' on the couch while the rest of us humans caught some much needed sleep.

When we woke up the next morning, Emmett was gone – promising to visit us soon. Alice was next then.

"Hey Bella, you know what today is?" Annaliese asked mischievously, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"What?"

"Party day! And you know that Matt would really love to see you around."

I groaned – seeing Emmett had reminded me about my current problem – how do you move on, when the person who you love, loves you back – but you left him for someone who you left also?

Do I even try and move on? Or do I wait until after college.

"Uh – I have to call Charlie today. There are some things I have to talk to him about."

"What kinda thing?" Hilary asked.

"Family stuff."

"Your mum?"

"Among other things."

"Something you're not telling us?" Annaliese asked, slinging an arm over my shoulder.

"Nothing that you should concern yourself with – just family stuff."

"Fine – we'll be shopping for our devil's drink. Text us when you're free."

I nodded and they vacated the apartment like bats out of hell.

I grabbed my phone and dialled Charlie.

"Swan residence," he said cheerfully – and loudly. It sounded like there was a game on the TV in the background.

"Dad – it's Bella."

"Oh hey Bells! How's college?"

"Billy had cancer and you neglect to tell me." I accused.

He sighed and the background noise disappeared. "I didn't want you to worry."

"Because I wouldn't find out until the funeral?"

"After what happened with Jake and all…"

"Dad, Billy is close to me as you are – I think I saw more of him then I did of you that summer. You think just because Jake and I aren't talking that I would stop caring about Billy?"

"Look, Bells, I didn't want to worry you – and everyone knows one of the reasons of going to college was getting away from here. I didn't want to drag it through your face like that."

"So I have to find out from Emily? Who already assumed that I knew?"

"Bells, Billy is sensitive about it. I mean, it's not like smokes are anything,"

"Dad, even I knew that he used to smoke two packs a day way back when."

"That was a long time ago sweetie,"

"Not long enough. How's Jake holding up?"

"As well as to be expected." Another blasé answer about Jake – what weren't they telling me?

"Right. How long does he have?"

"Jake? About another 70 odd years,"

"Dad," I said warningly.

"6 or 7 months." Charlie sighed. "He's not gonna see Christmas Bells, as much as it pains him to admit."

I frowned when I felt tears forming again. "So I'll be seeing you soon then."

"You're coming up for the summer?"

"We get a few weeks break – I'll be spending most of it with mum,"

"Reconnecting are you?"

"Oh, you don't know."

"Don't know what?"

"Renee's pregnant dad,"

I swear I heard the phone hit the floor.

I waited a minute, letting Charlie compose himself.

"Do they know the sex?"

"It's a boy. He's due the same time as Emily's wedding."

I waited – it was no secret to either me or Renee that Charlie had secretly hoped for a baseball player. Not that that made him love me any less – he had just hoped is all.

"I'm sure her Baseball Boy is happy," he said through seethed teeth.

"He doesn't know yet – he's hoping for a girl."

I heard Charlie chuckle. "Your mum knows how to swing curve balls, that's for sure. So, anyway, how's college?"

I never ended up going to that party after all, but we never once discussed boys.

Springtime was the busiest time on the College calendar – especially with exams just around the corner.

February was Annaliese's stress month – All of her exams came in one week, which freaked her out. I think I picked up a few things which would help me next time I was with Alice.

March was just as busy, with Hilary having her exams spread out all over the place. I was pretty sure both Annaliese and me could now recite the different techniques that Bach used for all of his compositions.

April was a blur. My exams were scheduled for the same week as Emily's wedding – none on the actual day, but by the time I got down there, I could only stay for an hour before returning.

I wasn't going to ruin Emily's day by being late or leaving early. It would be better if I didn't go at all.

So, I called her up, as soon as exams were posted.

"Hello," she answered brightly.

"Hey, it's Bella."

"Oh hey – are you able to come?"

"I'm not, sorry. My exams were all posted for that week – even if I could make it, I'd have to leave early, or end up being late. I don't want to ruin your big day – you deserve it to be about you and Sam, not you worrying about when I'll arrive. And besides, I'll being visiting for a little anyway – I should be able to see you then – you can tell me all about marital bliss."

I heard Emily's giggle. "Promise?"

"Scouts honour," I swore.

"Okay – how's your mum going? She'd be almost due, wouldn't she?"

"Yeah – she's due the week after exams finish. I'll email you a picture of him."

"I bet he's cute. So when are you visiting?"

"Summertime,"

"Oh – because of Billy?"

"Him and Charlie. I want to say goodbye before it gets too bad."

"Yeah – I think all of us are. You'll be up for…that event?"

_Funny, how she can't say funeral. Sad too. _"Yeah, I'll be there."

"Well, we all miss you."

"Yeah, I miss you too,"

"Bella?" Matt called from the doorway. It was 'movie night' tonight – Matt's pick.

"I have to go Emily. See you in the summertime?"

"See you then. Have fun."

"Bye-bye." I told her before meeting Matt at the door. Like always, he had some form of quirky gift – this time, it was a book on daffodils.

"Thank you?"

"Well, I know how you like them and all."

"So you gave me a book?"

'Well, you have to return it to the school library in two weeks, but yes, I gave you a book."

I chuckled. He had really turned my once-dreary life around. Upside down.

He still incited memories of Jake and Edward. I didn't need him to bring on memories of Jake - they came and went whenever they liked. But Edward memories were different – I had fully moved on from him – I no longer held a candle for him.

Sometimes, though, I regretted having old memories thrown back in my face. I know I made him wonder, why I would suddenly turn away, and smile, or have tears come to my eyes. He didn't ask though.

And for that I was grateful.

Annaliese, Matt, Rhys and I were on the beanbags, waiting for Hilary and Alex.

Not that we had to wait long – we all heard the fight long before she entered the room.

"I love the colour pink and dancing in my underwear! I am a mess and my room is too. I laugh at the stupidest things and I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time. I cry for no reason and sometimes I get mad easily. But I am just me and that's all I can be! – I'm not gonna change just coz I'm not what everyone thinks I should be!" She hollered to Alex.

Annaliese shook her head. "Ah, individuality – God's gift to people."

Hilary was shaking. "Go away Alex – I don't care! I'm not perfect – I don't try to be either!"

"Hilary, I didn't do anything – I didn't say anything!"

"Yeah right – I've known you long enough to know what you're thinking!"

"That's no justification for this fight!"

"I don't care!" She screamed, and ran out of the room – Alex and Annaliese in hot pursuit, who was closely followed by Rhys, who gave Matt and I apologetic looks.

Matt stretched. "So – Iron Man? Or Transformers?" he asked casually, making me chuckle. "But, do you want to go after them?"

"I would upset the balance – Annaliese knows Hilary better anyway. And hey – I'm the one who convinced her to go for it with Alex. I'm pretty sure some of the blame would be flung on me."

Matt nodded. "I see you reasoning. You still up for movie night?"

"Only if you are."

"Well, we don't have to do action – we can do RomCom? How about horror? How about Anime? Or some Hilarity-themed Australian Comedians?"

"Who do you have?"

"Uh, let me check – Adam Hills, Will Anderson, OxFam Melbourne Comedy Festival Gala 05 through 010,"

" '010'?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, we say 05 and 09 and stuff, so 010 fits – you know?"

I shook my head. "Comedy Gala."

"Which year?"

"06? That was a good year," _I was still in phoenix then._

"06 it is then. You do know that this will be funnier if we were Australian?"

"Yeah, but I think we can assimilate momentarily."

Somehow, during all the comedy acts, I managed to get sleepy, my head on Matt's shoulder, until Matt suggested that I go back to my room – unless I wanted to crash there.

"I should be good – just keep the couch available."

"Will do," he said as he hugged me good night – well, the hug turned out to be him holding me up as I somehow managed to get my feet tangled up in themselves. Yep – only I could be _that_ awesome. Trip over my own feet _while standing_.

As I righted myself, our eyes caught, and I felt an echo of something that I had once felt for someone completely different.

Someone who's body temperature was akin to the desert, whose habit was to morph into a giant wolf. Whose mortal enemy was my former lover, former family. A former best friend. My former best friend.

As these thoughts assaulted my mind, Matt leaned forward, gently pressing his lips to mine.

I was so caught up in the memory of Jake's warmness, that Matt's lips reminded me of Edward's – so polar was the experience. And, to my shock and horror, I actual lent in a bit.

I felt his hand capture my jaw, keeping me against him.

And then my brain kicked in.

I pulled away.

He blushed. "Sorry! I mean, I thought you felt the same, and the electricity and all,"

"No, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not ready for this," I wiggled my finger back and forth between us – inducting _us_. "I've come away from two big break ups."

"It's alright – I can be patient."

I shook my head. "The last time I heard that, I ended up crushing someone. Don't hang around for me."

"Bella, in case you haven't noticed – you and your friends are the only friends I have in this place. I'm going to be around anyway. I might as well try, right?"

The insecurity in his eyes belied his confident tone.

"I can't promise you anything,"

"I'm not expecting you to."

And I walked away.

.

.

But that wasn't the only time Matt kissed me.

~/*\~

"Bella! The baby is coming!" Renee yelled over the phone, breaking me from my mental reprieve. Or, my Matt-reprieve as it had been dubbed in my mind.

"Okay – I'm getting on a plane right now. See you a few hours! And my baby brother!" I said excitedly, before hanging up and grabbing my already-packed bag for just this emergency.

"Bella? Where are you off to?" Annaliese asked as I pulled on some shoes.

"I'm hitting vacation early,"

"The baby's coming?" She asked excitedly.

I grinned and nodded.

"Oh! I'm gonna need pictures – lots of them!" She squealed.

I hugged her briefly before rushing out the door. "You'll get them!" I raced out of the dorm, off campus and hailed a taxi.

"Airport please!" I told the cab driver. I grabbed my mobile and checked that a flight was leaving soon.

Great – one direct to Jacksonville departing in 30 minutes. Mum sure can time it at least.

I handed the man the fair and raced inside, checking in and raced on board.

I settled into my seat and prepared to meet my brother for the first time!

.

.

When the plane landed, I grabbed the first taxi I could find.

"Where to?"

"One second," I told him as I received a text from Phil.

**General Hospital. Hurry – babys almost here.**

"General hospital please." I told him.

The taxi zoomed away.

I was literally minutes away!

.

.

After Renee was ready to see me, I rushed in. She was holding the tiniest baby I had ever seen.

"Hey Bella," Phil said, from beside Renee. "It's a boy." He whispered.

"Wow," I breathed.

"Hey Bells, this is your brother – meet Jack Michael," Renee said, as I walked over to the bed.

"He's so tiny!" I exclaimed as I held my finger out to him. "He's so perfect!"

"He's 6 pound, 10 inches. Even you were bigger Bella!"

"Let's hope he's not a shrimp like me when he grows up," I joked. My height – or lack thereof was an ongoing joke between Phil and me.

"I doubt it – all the men in my family start out small, but end up getting huge," Renee consoled.

Then Jack grabbed my finger, and he had my attention.

~/*\~

I stayed in Jacksonville for two weeks – helping Renee cope with a baby after so many years.

Then, it was time for me to fulfil a promise I had made a while ago.

And I was off to Port Angeles once more.

One of the most dependable things about Forks is that nothing ever changes.

Charlie met me at the airport – like always.

We went to the diner that night – like always.

He left me alone to my own things once we arrived back at the house – like always.

But, one of the things that had changed, was the emergency contact numbers next to the phone.

And an oxygen tank and mask in the hall cupboard.

And heavy pain meds in the bathroom closet.

It seemed like Billy's cancer was slowly killing him. That and he was becoming a permanent attachment to the house.

.

.

"Billy'll be around tomorrow – we're going Wii fishing." Charlie said proudly.

How had I picked up on contact numbers, oxygen tanks and pain meds, but not a Wii console?

"Well, I guess it keeps you off the streets," I joked.

Charlie flashed a smile. "Uh, I'll be out back – I've gotta fix a window."

I nodded and fished for my phone.

"Hello?" Emily answered.

"Hey Emily – it's Bella."

"Hey! – Where are you?"

"I'm at Charlie's – I've just come from my baby brother. I emailed you some pictures on the flight over."

"I got them – he is so cute! And small! Do you think any of my kids will be that small?"

"Well, you _are married_ to a werewolf – just think about the size of what _his_ kids will be." I told her.

She groaned. "He's only getting one in that case." She grumbled, eliciting a laugh form me.

"Billy's coming up tomorrow for Wii Fishing. When are the, the pack not there?" I stumbled over the word. This place brought back so many memories.

"How about I come over for a visit in the afternoon?"

"Sounds great."

"I've got some shopping to do anyway,"

"I'll come with you – I don't think Charlie has been in a few months. And you don't get much fish fry out of Wii Fishing."

Emily chuckled. "The guys sure do love that game – they're up there everyone now and then, just to see if they can beat Charlie's score – so far, no luck."

"It's all in the wrist," I told her knowingly, making us both laugh.

"Well, Bella, I've got the boys over tonight – so, see you tomorrow?"

"Sounds like a date," I told her and we both hung up.

"Dad – I'm in the shower!" I told him.

After that, I got on the Wii – just for a second. But when I saw the top scores were (in order) Charlie, Billy, Paul, Embry, Seth and Quil, I had to shut it of.

My mind was being assaulted with memories.

I went up to my room – which still held traces of Jake there, even after I had left him. Even though I had moved away, I still had the majority of his wardrobe in my closet, one of his shoes – the surviving one. And photos – they were everywhere. I had lived my last weeks in Forks with Edward while newborn's were being fought, and Volturi guards had to be killed.

It wasn't safe for a human. Didn't stop me from being in that goddamn tent – from making wish that I hadn't given up Jake.

That maybe, that kiss we had shared because of his 'death wish', wasn't supposed to be our last.

But we were no star-crossed lovers, destined never to meet again. He was just down the road. A temptation, but one I couldn't take – it was no longer mine.

This place was no longer mine.

It belonged to a teenage Bella, who didn't realise that the repercussions of her action would hurt more than just two people, it would hurt her whole world – not that that would stop her.

Because she was madly in love with a Vampire and Werewolf – two things that should have never existed. Edward shouldn't have even been alive – but I couldn't imagine a world where he didn't exist, with his old-world charm and eloquence. And Jake wasn't supposed to be running at temperatures that kill normal people, and he was supposed to age like the rest of us – but I couldn't imagine a place where his body heat hadn't made me happy, or that his face hadn't change much since I last saw him.

I was only staying a week – but maybe, I could cut the trip short.

I didn't want this place to ruin me, especially when I wasn't ready.

That night, I fell asleep, in one of Jakes shirts, like I had done years ago, dreaming of times gone by, of a summer that I could never get back with a person that I never wanted to forget.

The next day, I didn't wake up until mid-morning.

By the time I had properly untangled myself and gotten dressed, Billy was down stairs with Charlie.

"Morning Bells," Charlie greeted. "Coffee?" He asked, standing up. I heard him groan and I smiled to myself.

"Stay sat dad – I'll get it myself. Morning Billy," I said, waving.

He took a deep breath of oxygen before he pulled the mask off. "Morning Bella. College looks good on you. How long you staying?"

"Just for a few days – college doesn't factor in family field trips."

He chuckled and put the mask back on, turning back to the screen.

Charlie gave me a sad look – he knew what I was thinking – how much he had changed.

I shrugged and motioned for coffee and he shook his head. "Got our own thanks, where are you off to today?"

"Grocery shopping with Emily today. You can't freeze the fish on the screen."

Billy laughed at that, mask and all.

"Have fun," Charlie grumbled, shooting daggers at his best friend.

"Don't' fall in," I cautioned, giggling to myself, taking my coffee outside. I called Emily, as she said that she was going to pick me up at about 2.

So I had four hours to kill.

I guess I was fishing until then.

~/*\~

**College (a week later)**

"Bella! You're back!" Matt exclaimed as I walked up the stairs to my dorm, suitcase in hand.

"Yep – not much of a summer holiday, but what can I say? Forks isn't much for summer."

"How's your baby brother?"

"Tiny and perfect. His name is Jack Michael."

"I missed you," he said, hugging me.

_But I didn't miss you – does that make me a bad person?_ "I was only gone for a few weeks," I deflected.

Matt and I hadn't defined out relationship. It was like Jacob all over again – except, I didn't have a history this time, and I didn't feel as attracted to him as I knew I could. I mean, I had already felt the lightning twice. How many times would I allow myself to get burned.

"What can I say? I feeling like I was out of job – you know, without having to catch you every time you walked down a flight of stairs."

_Stupid stairs – throwing me into the arms of another. That's how I ended up with Edward and Jacob – Matt as well?_

"I can't help my clumsiness," I told him pertly.

He gave me a strange look. "You okay Bella?"

"Perfect, why do you ask?"

"You seem different. Did something happen?"

I shook my head. _I only said good bye to a person who I used to love as father. A person who made me the person I am. A person who I next see at his funeral in less than 6 months. Why would you think something has changed?_

"Hmm. Doesn't matter anyway – you're still my girl."

I blushed. Only Jake had called me his 'girl', his 'woman'.

"Well, I gotta unpack, see you in class," I mumbled. He hugged me again before he let me leave. He also kissed my cheek.

I guess it felt natural for him, to want to show his obvious affection for me. But after Edward – who would rarely allow anything, and Jake, who couldn't keep his hands off me, I wasn't ready for in between. I had never been a tactile person with anyone _but_ Jake. And the feeling was mutual. It was hard _not_ to touch him and his flawless, rustic perfection.

"See you then," he told me.

I nodded and shut myself in the room. Annaliese and Hilary hadn't come back from vacation yet, so it was empty.

Strange. All the time I'd been at college, I'd always had them in the room. It was hard to imagine them not there when I was.

But I would survive without them. After all, I had Matt.

Great swap.

Yeah, I had matt, and all his advances that made me remember other people, brought on memories of people I had no right in remembering.

I couldn't wait until the girls returned.

.

.

.

So, for two weeks, I survived without the girls. With just Matt.

I'm lucky that I didn't go stark raving mad or molest him while thinking of Jake. I'm pretty sure that I gave him some pretty weird looks.

Didn't stop him from asking me out.

Or from kissing me.

Or trying to hold my hand, or hug me.

I think he was aiming for the casualness of touch – so that I didn't react whenever he randomly hugging my shoulders or touched my hand. Like Jake and I had – we were always touching. It was natural. Even when I moved us back to being just friends. We still hugged and held hands.

I never had that level of comfortableness with anyone – not my parents, certainly not Edward. Just Jake.

But boy, did I come real close to jumping Matt.

So, I resolved my horny feelings by being drunk around Matt – the joys of being around decent guys is that they don't try and fuck you while you're drunk.

The hangovers were well worth me rubbing against a guy – any guy, so long as he was tall and dark – and having Matt pull me away.

And then me rubbing up against him, him blushing, and hearing peculiar noises from his bathroom while I undressed down to my lingerie that I hadn't shown anyone except my roomies.

Than have Matt once again retreat to the bathroom.

I was sober enough to know that this was torture – but maybe it would get him to leave me alone romantically.

The day the girls got back, I got a call from my Charlie.

"Hey Dad," I said, happy that I had some female company back in my life.

"Bells, it's not good."

"What's not?"

"Billy took a turn. He's spending a few nights in hospital."

"Is he coming out?"

"Tomorrow hopefully."

"What happened?"

"Mild heart attack. No one's told Jacob yet. We don't want to upset him anymore." I could understand – he was losing his dad – watching his father die. I probably wouldn't want to know about it if he had a close call.

"Are you visiting the doctors regularly yourself?" I demanded.

He chuckled. "Yes mum," he told me sarcastically. "Geez, between you and Sue you'd think I was about to be knocked off.

"We worry about you. How are things going with Sue anyway?"

No comment.

The conversation turned happy again. But still, the looming prospect of seeing Jake again, of not seeing Billy after that time, alive, was still daunting.

Billy's words from my stay in Forks still haunted me, giving me nightmares.

"_Make my boy live again. Even if it's not for you. Make him alive. For me."_

I don't know what he was talking about. Jake was dead. IT was hard to imagine him even marginally sad. He was such a well of happiness, or positives and optimism. Of arrogance and bull-headedness as well, but that was him. No weakness. No sadness. Just Jake, and his unbelievable warmth.

But all sombre thoughts were forced from my head as Hilary bounced through the door, all smiles and laughter, and Annaliese was happy as well, tanned form her time back in the south.

But, even as we all got back into a routine, my thoughts constantly wondered back to Jake, and by association Billy.

Within 3 months, every thing will change for good.

Would I be ready then?

Would I be ready to be the girl I should be?

~/*\~

Over the next month, I got numerous emails from Emmett, Emily and Alice. Alice and Emmett both sent their apologies, but they were taking Edward away, to England, to follow the steps of Edward's father to Chicago.

So I had, in my life, all-human contacts.

That reality was strange concept.

Hilary and Alex still weren't talking to each other – rather, Alex wouldn't stop trying to get her to talk to him, and she wouldn't admit that she had overreacted and talk back.

We all wondered when that would end and she would cave.

It was obvious to everyone that Alex loved her. It was just a matter of time before Hilary realized that herself and forgave herself and let her love him back.

Yes, spring was in the air…kind of.

But everyday, I still stared at my phone, praying that an inevitable phone call wouldn't come.

I prayed that Billy had one more day on this earth.

Prayed that Charlie would have one more day with his best friend.

Prayed that Jake would remain unscarred by the harsh realities of life.

Prayed that he would have one more day with his father.

But I knew that that wouldn't happen.

.

.

.

It late August I got the call. He had less than two weeks left. The funeral was planned. All I had to do was be on stand-by to fly out.

Those two weeks were the most stressful of my life.

But it made me realise that I was ready for this.

That I was ready to be the girl I used to be – the one who never cried, never got mad about dumb things and the one girl who would never worry about being in love.

I realised that, no matter what happened, I was over Edward. I was over Jake – mostly. I didn't need to be in love. I had friends.

I love my friends.

But Jake was my best friend.

Do I still love him?

I found out soon.

Three in the morning, I got the call.

"Bells, it's dad. It's time."

That when my tears flowed, my resolve strengthened and my heart constricted.

I would finally say goodbye to my past.

I would see what had happened to Jake.

I would say good bye to those monsters in my past. I would look ahead. If my monsters were still waiting there for me – especially one in particular – then lucky me.

But if not, then I will have no choice but to say that I had it good, and it was good while it lasted.

Who knows?

Maybe I'll end up with Matt – or someone like Matt, someone utterly normal and human – after all.

I met him on my way out, tears rolling down my cheeks. I made no move to wipe them.

"Bella?" Matt asked, rubbing his face. He looked like he had just woken up.

"Matt? What are you doing up?"

"Thirsty. You? Where are you going?"

"Funeral. Back in Forks."

He hugged me then. But I was numb. I didn't feel anything. Not even a shadow of an echo.

"I'll miss you." He crooned.

_But I won't miss you._

"Take my love with you, alright?"

"Love?"

He blushed then. Half awake, and he could still blush more than me.

"Yeah. I assume that's what I'm feeling."

"Matt, I don't feel the same way," _Yeah Bella, _real_ tactful. Why don't you just shoot him now?_ "I do like you, but not yet. Not now."

He nodded, looking extremely sad – depressed almost.

"It's not you," I started to say.

" 'It's not you it's me'? Bella, we're not teenagers. That doesn't count as a reason."

"But it's not you at all. You're a great friend. It's just, I'm broken."

"I'm good at fixing things."

I shook my head. "I already have someone for that," I said, without thinking it through. That's when I realised. I was still the girl I used to be. Waiting for Jacob to fix me up. That scared me more than Matt's expression.

And his words.

"It's that Quiluete kid, isn't it? Jacob or whatever his name is?"

I nodded dumbly.

"Bella, he's all the way back in Forks. I'm here. With you, right now. Come back for me." He pleaded.

I shook my head. "My heart can't take it anymore." I whispered.

"I'm not going to hurt you!"

"Do you know how many times I've heard that?" I yelled. "Do you know what happens every time I hear that? I get broken, another piece of me floats away. I'm not ready to risk it again."

"It isn't a risk. I'm safe!" He yelled back.

"I don't want to be safe!" I hollered.

"Then take a risk on me. Kiss me and tell me you love me. Right now."

"I – I, I can't."

"Why not? Too much of a risk?" he jeered.

I shook my head. "My heart is broken." I told him.

"Everyone's is!"

"You don't understand!" I told him.

"Then tell me. Right now. In 10 words or less. Tell me what I don't understand."

I looked him dead in the eye. "My broken heart's been shattered one too many times." I told me.

Shocking him into silence.

"Goodbye. I have a friend to say good bye to."

And just like, I walked away. Away from this haven turned battlefield.

Back to an actual battlefield, to bury a warrior.

Back to a place where battles still rage,

But this Bella, this new me – who was really the old me – ready to go back? To renege on my tactical retreat?

Was I, Bella, ready to accept my past?

Ready to accept that Jacob and I weren't lovers anymore, even though I still loved him with all my shattered, broken heart?

That we weren't best friends anymore?

That we weren't even friends?

Just people who had known each other a long time ago.

It didn't feel like a long time ago.

I still felt like old me. The Bella during the Summer of Jake and Bells.

Jake's Bella.

Maybe, I still was.


	8. Nobodys Place Anymore

**Nobody's Place Anymore**

~/*\~

**It's not what you take when you leave this world behind you. It's what you leave behind you when you go.**

~/*\~

**Jake's POV**

It's Dad's funeral today. The public one is this morning, when all the Pale-Faces can come and pay their respects. Tonight, though, it's just for the tribe – we're making sure that one of our Elders safely makes it to the Spirit World.

Bella is still coming apparently – her Plane is landing about now. Stupid Weather in Port Angeles is making it hard for the small planes to land – they're way too light for the wind, and it is nearing winter after all.

She hasn't pulled out yet. Maybe she is…

No, not thinking that. No point in getting my hopes up, just to have to kill her.

I really hope I don't have to do that.

I can't lose someone else.

Rebecca and Rachel are setting it up. The funeral that is.

Next week sometime is the Will hearing or whatever it is called.

Rachel sticking around for a bit, for the Hearing and all – Rebecca can't – she's pregnant again, and has a baby back in Hawaii. She's not as close to Dad as Rach and I were.

She was the 'rebellious' child – the one who wasn't gonna stay in La Push any longer than she absolutely had too.

I just hope that no one imprints on her – so much so, that I've pretty much forbade all of the single brothers to not even look at her – who knows how much that would fuck things up with my family. Sam, knowing how much that would stuff everything up, has put Seth, Embry, Brady and Colin on Patrol while my sisters are here. Knowing my luck, one of them would imprint.

I can hear people coming – Embry and Quil by the sounds of it. I'm fucking boiling at the moment though – dress pants, black shirt and a black skinny tie, when you're running at 108 degrees is like sitting in an oven in your winter PJs – not at all comfortable.

At least that's how everyone has to dress now – some are wearing white shirts though.

For today at least.

"Jake?" Quil hollered, as if I was deaf as a post.

"What?" I snapped.

"Just making sure you were still breathing." Quil said casually. By now, everyone – and I mean everyone – had heard about my many failed attempts. They were still a bit edgy to say the least.

"How you holding up?" Embry asked, quieter than Quil, but then again, he always was.

"I'm fine – tonight though, might be a different story." I told them both truthfully.

"Don't worry about it – we'll be here. And I don't think you'll be the only one there trying to rein in the emotion – just imagine the girls."

I nodded, holding back the tears. I wasn't gonna cry, not until I was truly alone, and Dad was safely on his journey.

Quil was stuffing his face, trying not to get his shirt dirty – he always seems a bit shallow at these things.

"So, is, uh, _she_ still coming?" Embry asked in a voice so low that only I – with my super senses – could hear him.

"Apparently."

"She wouldn't bring _them_ right? I mean, even that's stretching it."

"Well, I s'pose if she's intending to come back on Our territory, then she can't be changed," Quil said loudly from the kitchen. "Just cause you talk low, don't mean that I can't pick up on what you're saying – I can hear pretty good you know."

Embry and I sighed – Quil never ceased to amaze.

"So, you think she's still human?" Quil asked bluntly. I flinched slightly – it was still a tender subject. Bella called Charlie every other week, so I knew she wasn't dead, and I had pretty much ordered her not to contact me, but I still yearned for her – I'd just gotten better at lying.

Embry slapped him up the head. "Shut up and get out. Jake doesn't need you to be annoying today – he needs you to shut up, don't look at his sisters, and get on patrol."

"Sir yes sir!" Quil barked (pun not intended) clipping his heels together and giving Embry a mock salute.

"Get outta here," Embry told him, chasing him to the door, attempting to kick him.

Quil gave him a grin and disappeared into the forest line.

"Get off his case – he just doesn't know how to act at these things. I mean, the last time we had to do this was with Harry – and we had other things on our minds then. Apart from then, none of us have ever been to one of these things," I told Embry.

Embry nodded. "It's just that, with the way you've been this past, well, year, I don't want you to get up and do that again. Fuck it Jake, you were so shitfaced you thought you were a _super hero_. Then it was a different flavour of the week! None of us – not even Paul – wanna see you go through again – you've scared all of us off pills of any kind – Seth –_Seth _for Christ's sake – was terrified of taking an aspirin because he thought that he might get hooked. On Aspirin."

I shook his head. "I was beyond messed up – I know that. But I'm better now – my world isn't gonna crumble because of stupid mistakes – most of those other people's mistakes – and things I have no control over."

"What if Bella comes back though?" Embry whispered.

I shrug. "Then she comes back. Now, I have to get to the funeral, in case Rach or Bec need help – they are short."

Embry smiled at me, but it was only one of sympathy.

The phone rang just as I walked past it.

"Hello?" I asked, hoping it wasn't something stupid – like a telemarketer.

"Jake?" a fragile, oh-so-familiar voice asked. A fragile, _human_ voice. Oh God.

Her voice was raw, like she had been screaming or crying. Probably crying knowing her.

"Bella?" I whispered. Embry looked at me as if I was selling my soul to the Devil. And heck, from his point of view, the Devil probably made a better deal.

"Hi," she said simply.

I felt my world start to shake once more.

Everything I had assumed over the past year or two was replaced by that one word.

"You're here? In Forks?"

"Yeah, that's why I'm calling. Would you be alright if I came to the funeral? I mean, I know I haven't been around for, well, at all, really. I don't want to be there, you know, if you don't want me to – I mean, he's your Dad and all,"

I could basically smell the tears that were probably streaming down her face.

"Yeah," I replied softly. "You can come. After all, you loved him too."

My wolf senses picked up on the feint rustle against the phone – she probably nodded. I had the strange urge to chuckle – but I didn't.

"Bella, I can't see you – I can't tell if you nod or not." I told her, humour just touching my voice.

"I know," she whispered. "Um, I have to get ready. I'll see you there," she mumbled.

"Okay, see you then."

I hung up to see Embry standing very still – almost Vampire like.

"What?" I asked him. Why was he acting so weird?

He gaped at me. "you – Jacob – just talked to Bella. _Bella_. And you haven't run away, or changed or anything. You swear you're not on the pills?"

I shook my head, a ghost of a smile touched my lips. "We have to find out sooner or later right?" I told him.

He shook his head. "And you think Quil is the funny one."

I shrug and got into the Rabbit. Yep, I still had it.

~/*\~

**Bella's POV**

So here I was – back in Forks, back in the place where I had hurt so many people, run away from so much, and ended up no happier than when I had first arrived – perhaps even more broken.

Alice emailed a couple of weeks ago – she's keeping Edward occupied, he wouldn't be calling for a while. She had him honing his 'tracking' skills. They were hunting down any of his relatives, while I lived out the remnants of my life.

Seriously, halfway through college I've already had more drama than most people got in eight lifetimes – or at least, two years on TV Soap.

I've been in love - twice. Broke up with Him – twice, fell in love all over again – twice. Met more Supernatural beings than I could count – of two varieties (three in my head, but Good or Bad, Vampires were still Vampires) Benn broken up with by the love of my life – twice.

And now, here I was. Rugged up from the cold weather that I wasn't used to, anticipating to make a call to a person I hadn't talked to in about two years – a person I had no right to even contact again.

But, here I was.

I sat in the back of Charlie's cruiser, flipping my phone open and shut all the way.

"Bells, I'm gonna take a shower. When I'm finished I'll make you lunch while you get ready then we'll go, ok?"

Charlie looks wane, older, miserable. Well, considering that today was his Best Friend's funeral, I wasn't expecting him to be all sunshine and rainbows.

"Ok dad," I told him meekly, while I sat on the couch.

I sighed, feeling the tears form just the though of Billy being gone trickle down my face. I'd been crying the whole way. I haven't really stopped crying until Charlie picked me up.

I flipped open my phone, and punched in the numbers that memory had imprinted and time had not erased.

He picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?"

God, he sounded hurt. "Jake?" I whispered, shocked to hear the change in his voice. He sounded older. Changed. Raw – like his emotions had been brought forth from wherever he kept them and had been stuffed into one word.

"Bella?"

"Hi," I said simply, feeling the tears fall harder – God, what had I done to him? What had life done to him?

"You're here? In Forks?" He asked, as if he wasn't expecting a positive answer.

"Yeah, that's why I'm calling. Would you be alright if I came to the funeral? I mean, I know I haven't been around for, well, at all, really. I don't want to be there, you know, if you don't want me to – I mean, he's your Dad and all,"

The tears were falling ridiculously now. I refused to sob. I would weep, not cry, not until Charlie and Jake were far away from me – where I could finally put my grief – over everything – to rest.

"Yeah," He replied softly. "You can come. After all, you loved him too."

And I did – during the Summer of Jake and Bells I saw more of Billy than I had of Charlie. It was him who first 'knew' – with evidence – that Jake and I were together. He walked – well, rolled – in on us sharing a very heated kiss.

My tried to smile at the memory, about how much I was blushing, but it came out as a grimace, and the tears fell that much harder.

I nodded into the phone.

"Bella, I can't see you – I can't tell if you nod or not." He told me, and I faintly heard old humour in his tone. Maybe I couldn't make him happy anymore, maybe I couldn't even make him smile – but at least I could give him a reason to have humour on one of his darkest days.

"I know," I whispered to him. Of course he can't see me if I nod "Um, I have to get ready. I'll see you there," I mumbled. I wanted to be alone with these stupid tears that wouldn't stop falling, about this grief that wouldn't subside.

"Okay, see you then." He told me and we both hung up.

I furiously scrubbed at my cheeks, wiping away my tears, and for the first time, in a long time, I wished that Jake was here and would wipe my tears away for me, kiss me, and tell me that the pain would go away.

Even though I knew that it wouldn't.

"I'm finished bells! Bathroom is all yours!" he hollered.

I grabbed my overnight bag – I was flying back tonight – and made my way to the shower.

This was going to be one of the longest days of my life.

~/*\~

**Jake POV**

I was standing out the front of the Res church, where people were starting to roll up.

The Pack – those who weren't patrolling – was already inside with Rebecca and Rachel.

I stood out the front, nodding to people, not even bothering to smile at these people, just accepting their sympathies and shaking some hands.

Then, _they_ came up in Charlie's cruiser.

Charlie looked a bit worse for wear – he was exhausted, grieving, and still keeping a brave face.

And there, timid as a butterfly in a thunder storm, was Bella.

She was as short as ever, but seemed to fit her skin. He brown hair was long now – it came down her back, almost to her ass, curling slightly, cut into soft layers.

Her eyes were still as expressive as ever.

And, seeing here, dressed for, well, a funeral, I fell in love with her all over again.

Charlie came up to me, and hugged me gruffly – Charlie was never one for emotion, but today was an exception.

How I ached to take Bella in my arms, hold her tight to my body, and never let her go, not until I was ready to face the world.

She squeezed my hands as she passed through – she looked pale, and slightly red, like she had been crying.

But even that fleeting contact wasn't enough for me.

But I couldn't hold her; touch her – because she wasn't mine any more.

We no longer had any claim over each other.

And that was perhaps the most depressing fact of the day.

~/*\~

**Bella POV**

Jake stood stoically at the top of the stairs, his eyes never leaving mine.

So many emotions swirling behind his, but they closed briefly when Charlie hugged him – they had gotten close while I had been away.

He stared at me once more, and I gently squeezed his hand – we had always held hands, even when we were both still teenagers, and not in love.

The gesture felt so familiar that I didn't want to let go.

After all these years of 'normal' human contact, it felt like coming home to feel the extreme heat of his hand.

Jake's hand twitched, like he wanted me to move closer, but I could no longer do that – I no longer had that liberty.

I had no hold over him.

No claim to make him mine, and no amount of wishing could ever change that.

So, I attempted a smile for him – just a twitch of the lips really, before I moved inside and sat with Charlie. We were at the end of the row, near the wall, as Charlie was speaking.

And I watched and waited in silence, not even bothering to try and stop the tears, or try and clean them away.

Emily – who was pregnant, and should have been glowing, but was instead crying silently like me, stood next to me.

I stood up and hugged her deeply – I had missed her more than I knew I would.

She sat down next to me, and both of us, silently, agreed that, between the two of us at least, there was nothing to be forgiven.

But Emily was the easy one.

~/*\~

**Jake POV**

I stood up at the podium, scared as hell.

I could see Emily and Bella sitting together, crying silently for Billy. The pack were down the front, except for those who would be patrolling, who were way up the back.

I cleared my throat.

"My father was a great man. He was the wisest man that I have ever had the privilege of knowing." I began, looking nervously around. My eyes rested on Bella – like she was my saving Grace. Her big brown eyes gave me courage.

"He always knew everything about anything – you ask him, he could answer it for you. Except Algebra – I was on my own with that,"

I got a few smiles, a couple of chuckles – Bella grinned. She was the one who helped me through Algebra.

"I would like to share with you, some of the more wiser, inspiring things that my father imparted before he had to leave."

I unrolled a piece of paper. I loved collecting his advice.

"_Live with intention._ _Walk the edge._ Well, at least, walk a straight line."

There were a few chuckles, probably from those who had gone drinking with him, or been near him while he was drinking.

"_Listen hard_ – cause he wasn't gonna repeat it." Even Bella cracked a smile at that one – she had heard that one so many times…

"_Practice wellness_, because he had to fish and couldn't be signing absent notes." The pack all grinned in unison – Billy spent most of his time signing absent notes for everyone.

"_Play with abandon_, because something's shouldn't have ties." My eyes were drawn to Bella's – she didn't deserve to have ties here. She was perhaps the one person who had a choice in the whole supernatural thing – she could leave, at any time. There was no real reason to stay – I could ask her. It's was my place.

"_Laugh_. He always told me to laugh. _Choose with no regret._ Because regret was the biggest killer known to man._ Continue to learn. _Because you can never stop._ Appreciate your friends._ Even if they are Quil and Embry._ Do what you love._ Because life is short enough without being bored to shorten it._ Live as if this is all there is,_ because tomorrow may never come."

I swallowed, feeling emotion rise within me. "These are just some of his words of wisdom. As you probably noticed – and probably experienced, he would always have a crack at you. He always had to have the last word, and God help you if you came between him and the fish or the Sports channel, because nothing else would help you. My father's best friend, and my own good friend, Charlie, would now like to say a few words,"

I finished quickly. Charlie stood up and I hurried to my seat. I could _smell_ her tears – I had trained myself, all those years ago – to know exactly what they smelled like, so I could tell if she was upset or not. And old habits die hard – my body was eager to go and comfort her – it felt like it was against my nature to not do it.

But I resisted.

That wasn't my place anymore.

~/*\~

**Bella POV**

Charlie stood up, looking like a nervous school boy.

He got to the podium, dabbing his eyes.

"Billy was my best friend. We've known each other since before I can remember. He was never content to just exist – he had to prove that he existed for a reason. I remember one year, he read the Bible, Koran, studied legends, the Jewish bible, read into Daoism, Taoism, Buddhism, he even listened to the Jehovah's Witnesses. Looking for a reason for why he was here on earth. Of coursed, this annoyed the Elders of his tribe. But, he found what he was looking for, in the Koran. I can't remember the place, the scripture or the verse, but I remember him exclaiming to me with excitement and solemness,

"For every man there is a purpose which he sets up in his life. Let yours be the doing of all good deeds. Me, I didn't get it – for me, that was common sense. But for Billy, it held a special meaning. And he returned to his life with a rigour.

"That was the year that Jake was born. Just a few years later, he had to deal with the death of his beloved wife, Sarah.

"Sarah was a quirky one. She collected quotes almost religiously, and, as often as not, recited them to us so often that they stuck. One quote that she told us repeatedly, was:

"_I've learned that goodbyes always hurt, pictures never replace having been there, that memories good or bad with always bring tears, and words can never replace these feelings."_

"That sums up Billy's life, and Sarah's, and hopefully, their children can understand this. Billy tried his whole life to give back, just as each one of you have in your own ways – Rebecca, I remember you trying to keep a nest of eggs away from a certain neighbour's cat. So much so, that you slept all night in that tree, waiting for Billy to call the Animal Care People to get the cat.

"Rachel, you once tried your hand at fishing, because you weren't going to see your Dad over a week or so. Well, let's just say that it was the thought that counted, and you should really stick to dry land,"

Everyone chuckled, then Rachel blushed slightly, waving a hand around – she wasn't the quiet twin, but she knew what to do in an embarrassing situation.

"And Jake, you devoted pretty much your teenage years to present to your tribe, your culture, your heritage. Billy couldn't have been more prouder than if you'd won a Nobel Prize. You weren't the biggest supporter, if I remember, but you still gave back, and you gave more than anyone expected of you.

"All of you, Billy was proud of you, your family, your achievements, your commitments. He loved you all very deeply, and I swear, if I had to hear about how cute that Grandchild was one more time…" Charlie rambled off into silence, but cleared his throat and continued, but a mist had clouded his eyes.

"Billy passed on a happy, proud man. Thank you," he finished, and walked off the platform, furiously wiping away tears.

He was a man's man – he didn't like showing emotion.

But I was proud of him, and I told him so. He hugged her, resting his chin on my head.

"I don't know what I'm going to do now Bells – he was my Best friend – my only friend"

"You'll be fine. Maybe You could be a father to Jake for a little," I told him.

He gave me a strange look, like I knew something that I shouldn't.

"He just lost his father – he's gonna need someone. And dad, you really need to father someone – I'm not gonna be here. Take care of him."

Charlie nodded. "When did you get so wise?"

"The Summer of Jake and Bells," I murmured, but Charlie didn't hear.

And I stopped listening – the memories of Billy, of Jake of Sarah, and the pack, were all too painful, in the end, I had to go to the bathroom to compose myself.

I realised I wasn't just crying about my old life here – a life I could never have again. But I was also crying for a life that I never deserved, a life that was now impossible. I couldn't go back to the Cullen's. So, I cried because I didn't have them anymore as well.

I cried, because, for the first time since I was seventeen, I didn't have a future family besides the one that I had grown up with. And, truth be told, I only really wanted one other family, one other broken heart to fix mine.

But I couldn't have him – sometimes, forever doesn't mean for eternity. It usually means until we both mean it to end – but, I couldn't ever have a forever,

I didn't deserve a forever.

~/*\~

**Jake POV**

I saw Bella leave, crying and sobbing painfully. How I ached to follow after her, but that wasn't my place anymore.

I wondered who it was though – she didn't have a ring, she wasn't a Vampire, she didn't even smell like Vampire – in fact, she smelled like…the Sun.

Like the heat, and long nights. Like a perfect summer, like a pair of teenagers falling harmlessly in love, not caring about the day after tomorrow.

Like the summer of Jake and Bells – where forever only meant as long as we needed it to.

But, for me at least, forever meant an eternity of Loving Bella.

And so far, I was still making good on that promise.

.

.

The talks and Sympathies continued, Elegy after elegy. The more I heard about how out there Dad had been, made me miss him all the more, made me ache for him.

I wasn't ready for him to go, no matter how brave a front I put up. And the thing, no one, not even my brothers, saw that. They thought I was still coming down off my high, that his death was just another chip in the shoulder.

Not even the imprints knew. Who could I tell? I hadn't phased in awhile. I knew that I was still a wolf – he came out to bite very now and then.

Like back when I was in California. Alone and Sober I phased. Somehow, no one had been patrolling.

And I could wallow in my grief.

That didn't seem like that long ago.

And then, people started to pat my shoulder as they walked outside, the not-so-close friends giving me a half-smile before leaving. The closer ones hugging me.

The closer ones – mostly those who knew the about the Pack, and Charlie (and Bella) – hung around, waiting for the lingerers to dissipate so that we could go back to the house, and reminisce before the Pale Faces went home, while we prepared for the Tribe Funeral.

If Bella hadn't left, she could have come – we would have been married by now, I'm sure of it.

It's thoughts like that though that stopped me from really phasing.

I wouldn't inflict Bella-mourning on them.

Charlie walked over to me, just content to sit with me.

The pack slowly came and told me that they would meet me back at Billy's.

It was never really _my_ house – it was, and always would be, Billy's.

"I never thought I'd see Billy off in a church – if I heard him denounce God's Name one more time when he let one get away…"

I felt a ghost of a smile touch my lips.

Trust Charlie to bring up fishing now.

"I would invite you tonight, but it's sorta a tribal thing. Not that, if Billy were here, he'd find a way for you to come – see him off real proper and all – but his death – as an Elder – hits a little closer to home."

"That's two in about as many years." He murmured.

Great – now he was thinking of Harry.

He had tears in his eyes, but they wouldn't fall, not now.

Not in front of people who he loved.

Charlie glanced behind him, but I already knew she was standing there.

"I'll see you in the car Bella," he murmured to her as she stood next to me.

I could smell her tears, smell how they mingled so lovely with her already beautiful scent.

"Are you coming?" I asked her, my voice so raspy, it was betraying my emotions. I wasn't going to look at her though. I would break if I did.

"Do you want me there?" he voice, as soft as it was, broke.

I nodded - not trusting my voice again.

"Then I'll be there."

Her hand hesitantly – as if I would disappear – touched my shoulder.

I felt my body freeze – as if this was the last time I would feel her, smell her, see her.

I turned to look at her then.

Her skin was pink from crying, her eyes blood shot.

But she still looked beautiful.

I wasn't sure what she saw when she looked at me, but she suddenly hugged me, as tightly as she could.

I didn't – couldn't react.

I would lose control if I did. But, somehow, my hand touched her arm, and it was as if the pain hurt just a little less – it stopped throbbing for a second.

I could hear her heart beating so fast I thought it would burst right out of her chest – was she really nervous in just hugging me?

"I'll see you in a few," she whispered and ran out of the church, tears flying from her face.

As soon as she left me, the pain started, with a new edge – it came back with a vengeance.

Not good.

~/*\~

**Bella POV**

I ran out of the Church as fast as I could. The look he gave me – one of pain, anger, hurt, confusion, made him look infinitely younger, one that reminded me sharply of a person I used to know, back before the only supernatural beings in the world were the Vampires who left me heartbroken.

Of a boy who confessed that he was scared.

I couldn't stand to be that close to him, to remember that summer, that perfect summer, and to have to restrain myself from kissing him, from trying to make him all better.

It wasn't my place any more.

I met Charlie in the car.

"You okay Bells?" he asked me gruffly – trying to cover his emotion.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just… it's hard not to think of a world without Billy there. You know?"

He nodded, and I saw the tears well again.

"You alright to drive Dad? I mean, I wouldn't want you to crash or anything – not today of all days."

"No Bells, I'll be fine. I don't think you're in any better condition." He flashed me crooked grin.

Reminding me of what Renee must have seen in him all those years ago.

"So, how's college?"

I smiled weakly at him. "College is…good."

"And Edward?"

I swallowed. This was the first time that he had asked – it had been so long without him, that I hadn't even realised that I didn't really tell Charlie that we had split up – and had been split up for a while. "Edward and I…are no longer together – a major difference of opinions."

Well, I probably made his day.

"Well, that's too bad. Wait, how are you paying for College?" His almost-smile turned instantly to the look of concerned father.

"The Cullen's are very generous – they still love me, even if Edward and I are no longer together. They paid my college tuition in full."

Charlie gave me a stricken look – small-town people are prideful, and don't like charity or handouts.

"I already told them not to, but Dr. Cullen thinks that a college education is very important."

"The break up – recent?"

"No – almost two years."

"So right after you left for college?"

"Yeah," I replied softly. Right after we left.

"Still sore?"

I nodded. "Let's not talk about it today – after."

He nodded. "After."

.

.

The cruiser pulled up the drive, and everyone seemed to be waiting for us – for me.

The Wolves were circling.

I stumbled out of the car, to see Leah's sneering face walk past me.

I blushed automatically.

I suddenly didn't want to go inside – what right did I have to go in there? I gave up my right, my place, a long time ago when I chose Vampires over them.

If I were them, I wouldn't want me anywhere near them.

So I told Charlie I would be outside for a minute – collecting myself.

He nodded – at least I looked the part.

Inside I could see the Elders, Emily and Sam, Jared and Kim. Charlie walked in, and they either man-hugged or normal-hugged.

They were close here.

I saw Quil and Embry walk around outside. Quil lifted his nose upwards, as if smelling something and looked in my direction.

I felt my cheeks heat up.

Embry totally ignored me – well, he was Jake's closest friend, I wasn't exactly expecting a hug from him. Quil grinned at me, and nodded towards the house.

I shook my head – that wasn't my place anymore.

He gave me a small smile and walked inside.

I heard Jake's Rabbit pull up.

Out stepped Jake, w and two girls who bore so much resemblance to Jake that they had to be his sisters.

One of the girls moved off inside – that must have been Rebecca. She looked pregnant.

Jake hugged his other sister – Rachel – before she moved away.

Neither of them had seen me.

Or so I thought.

"Hi. I'm Rachel," she introduced.

"Hi," I said meekly. God, I must look awful.

"You know Billy and Jake?" She asked me, probably wondering why I was standing out here while the 'party' was going on inside.

"I used to," I told her, swallowing the lump in the back of my throat – well, trying to anyway. "A while back. I don't think I'm welcome anymore – I'd rather not push it either."

Rachel nodded her head sadly. "The memories too bad?"

I nodded – I didn't know what being inside that house would do to me – the many times Jake and I done our homework, made out of the couch – the first time we had sex, and many times after that.

It was too dangerous for me to even consider that.

So I nodded.

She nodded back – she understood.

"You staying for long?"

"Probably not – I've got to get back to Arizona – I'm in the middle of Exams at the moment."

"Ah. When do you leave?"

I looked at my watch. "Two hours or so – so I won't be staying long. I've got to get to Port Angeles."

"So you'll be here about an hour? I'm sure you can come in – Jake would want that. Billy would have insisted on it."

I was certain she didn't know about me – but, then again, I hadn't told her my name either.

"I don't think so. I'm Bella."

She face changed as she recognized who I was.

"Oh – so _you're Bella_."

And the way she said it, it was the same way she said "So _you're the one_ who murdered my family."

I nodded meekly. "That's why I'm out here."

She nodded again. "Well, at least you're right about not pressing your luck. Leah is gonna rip your head off if she catches you out here, you know that, right?"

"Yeah – but I'm not here for Leah."

"You came back for Jake?" She sounded sceptic.

"Billy, my Dad – prove to some people that I still exist."

_But mostly for Jake – even though that isn't my place any more._

"Well, thanks for coming and all – leaving in the middle of Exam week can't be easy."

I nodded and she moved on inside.

Jake was still outside, waiting for me.

He came closer.

"Bella, it's good to see you," Jake mumbled to me. My heart broke all over again, just seeing him. I couldn't tell him about what Edward did – Jake looked like he had enough on his plate without me adding to it. I mean, he was now an orphan. And the Church thing hadn't really made a difference – that was from emotion. It was now time to be civilized.

I hugged him tightly. "You too," I whispered. Even civilized people hug, right?

"How's college going for you?"

"It's different, new. Good."

"That's good."

"How have things been?"

His lips quirked up, as if I said something amusing. "Well, better, I s'pose."

I nodded, not quite understanding – his father had just died, how could he be 'better'?

"I'll talk to you later." He said, suddenly angry.

He was about to storm off when I caught his arm.

"What?" He snapped, and I pulled back, shaken. This wasn't my Jake – this was Sam's Jake.

"Someone asked me just a few minutes ago, if I knew you," I said, tears streaming down my face. "And it broke my heart to say 'I used to'. Jake, I-"

"I don't want to hear it Bella," he grumbled. "I'm not good anymore. Things are different from two years ago."

And he walked off, shaking under his black shirt.

And I walked off, crying.

I got back in the Cruiser, and continued to cry.

I had no right to be here, in this place of so many memories – I wasn't ready to face my past.

So, I got out of the car, left a note to Charlie, telling him that I had to leave early and started to walk back to Charlie's – shoes in one hand, tissues in the other.

Once again, I left Forks crying.

~/*\~

**Jake POV**

I was seething.

At myself.

Sure, I could hug her in a church, watch her cry as she ran away from me – again.

But hold an actual conversation?

No, that skill eluded me.

Embry was waiting for me inside.

"Did you see her?" he asked me quietly, but every wolf in the place knew what he was saying.

"Yeah, I saw her."

"And?"

"And she's gone."

"Why didn't she come in?" Seth asked, still holding onto his innocence like a life-raft that annoyed all of us to no end.

"She isn't exactly welcome," Embry told him. "You know what she did."

"I also know what she didn't do, and who she didn't show up with," he shot back. "And she didn't make Jake do any of that shit."

"Didn't you see him?" Embry asked, his whispers getting more heated.

"I saw him – I also heard him say that he didn't want Bella to talk to him. If he had maybe let her talk about it, he wouldn't have had to go through that. You obviously didn't hear – she broke it off with Cullen about a week after she left here"

"How do you know this?" I growled.

Seth looked at me, straight in the eye. "I heard Charlie telling Mum – that news made his week. That was about the same time she asked him if she could talk to you, isn't it?"

That blew me away – I could have avoided all of this if I wasn't so damn proud.

"Now isn't the time," Quil murmured to all of us. Who knew that Quil would diffuse the situation. "Jake has people to talk to, and you two have patrol to run – remember, don't look at Rebecca – she's happily married, with kids."

I nodded to them on their way out.

"Thanks Quil,"

"You know that she refused to come in here, because of us?" he asked me.

I nodded.

"That's ridiculous!"

"Not really. Leah would have snapped – several times over."

"Apart from that – this was her way to say good bye to Billy. She loved him as well. And we're all being selfish in not letting her. It's like not letting Leah come to the Tribal ceremony tonight – not right."

"She left, Quil. I can't do anything now. She didn't want to be here."

"We didn't exactly make her welcome either. Do you know how hard it must have been, to come back here - back to the place that probably haunts her, back to a place where she fell in love, discovered the supernatural world, made family, only to not be welcome? I wouldn't have even come down – she loved Billy that much to risk her life and our anger, to say good bye. And we didn't even invite her in."

He left then, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Had I just left Bella out because I was hurting? Because I was selfish?

Did she really love Billy that much?

But, then again, if it had been Charlie who had died, I would have come, even if her family didn't love me at all – even if they were Vampires.

Maybe, just maybe, Bella loved him like that.

~/*\~

**Bella POV**

The plane took off, with me in it. I was still crying.

But, I had seen the damage I had left in my wake; I had reaped what I had sown.

And, more than anything, I wanted Jake to hug me, tell me it was gonna be alright.

But he couldn't do that anymore.

It wasn't his place.

It wasn't anyone's place.

My heart was vacant space, being renovated, but how can you renovate something that you gave away long ago, to a person who doesn't even like you?

How can I let him, let anyone back in, when I don't even have it anymore?

How can he know that, when he refuses to see me?

Refuses to talk to me?

Well, I had another two years to figure things out.

But one thing was sure – when I was ready, I was going back to Forks, to fix things up properly.

To fix the wound in my heart, one so much more aching that Edward's one, because, with Jake and me, neither of us wanted to part – it was forced circumstance.

But, until then, it was nobody's place to try for my heart.

Not even him.

~/*\~

**Jake POV**

As I got ready for the Tribal Gathering, I pondered more on what Quil had said.

And I wondered, if she knew, that it was her place, back here.

This is where she belonged.

I wonder if she knows that?

I wonder if she's ever coming back?

If she does, I have to be ready, be the man that doesn't deserve her.

She's not with Cullen anymore – so she's probably just as broken as me, except that this is third time, within five years, that her heart has been broken.

It was surprising that she only cried.

If I were her – who only had my heart broke once – I would have done a lot worse than what I had.

I would have been dead, good and proper.

But she tried that, with the cliff-thing.

I guess, all she had left was to live – for Charlie, for her mum.

Maybe for me.

She did, after all, still have my heart.

This was her place.

So, I would be a better person.

When she came back, I would be good for her. Ready to properly heal her, to end or begin ourselves again.

To finally let both of us heal.

Until then, I would be better.

Two years – not a long time, but long enough to get a good start.

~/*\~

**Quil POV**

I watched Jake that night, and somewhere, between leaving and arriving at his house, he smiled.

Because he saw her – he saw Bella.

Alive, human, and not with Cullen.

SO he smiled. Cause he had it bad.

Once again, his life would start to be all about Bella.

I just hoped that she wouldn't disappoint him.


	9. Want Need Change

**Want, Need, Change**

~/*\~

**Right there, if even for a moment, I forgot that you didn't love me anymore**

~/*\~

**Jake POV**

It's been two weeks since the funeral. I'm at a loose end.

I keep expecting him to roll around the corner, demanding why I haven't done this, or why there's only one shoe in my room.

I'm expecting to look up and he'll be there, at the table, giving me an all-knowing look, with his damned wisdom shining through his eyes, and through his words.

But, most of all, I miss the fact that, no matter how much I try to remember, I keep remembering him the way he was That Summer.

The Summer of Jake and Bells.

And worst of all – I keep expecting her to stumbling along after him, her fuming slightly at his wisecracks. I keep expecting her to just appear, to put a plate of food on the table, and look up and see me, and for a moment, her eyes would flash, showing all the love that she felt for me, that I returned multiple times back.

I didn't get how – or why - I keep thinking of them as a package deal – I get Bells, and I get Billy and life is good.

But it isn't.

I find myself, for hours at a time, just sitting in the doorway of his room. Looking on at the peacefulness that surrounded him, in the hopes that it would surround me.

This place wasn't a good place for me anymore.

Memories – too many memories – overflowed from every crack in the wall, from every creaky floor board, from every picture that I still kept of her and of him.

The one that I have three copies of – the one of me, and him and her, all together on the porch. He's telling stories to Bella, whose looking at him like the sun shines from his ass, he's looking appropriately wise, and I'm just rolling my eyes. Charlie took the picture subtly. I think he picked up on that trick when he still lived with Bella's mum.

I had that picture on my wall in a frame that my mum left, on the fridge where Billy could see it, and in my wallet.

I also had the beach picture, we're I'm cuddling her and she's hitting me and the pack are doing…pack stuff, like wrestle each other, or get into glaring contests with Leah.

Embry failed epically at that one.

Rachel was still around – fixing up the financial stuff, separating the stuff that we got from the Will reading. She and Paul – who had been together for a while now, but doing the whole 'long-distance' thing while she waited for a transfer – were planning their wedding. It was a shame for her, I guess, that Dad wouldn't walk her down the aisle.

But then again, she was marrying Paul – maybe Dad didn't really want to give Rachael away to him.

We all know what we're getting anyway – the girls get a split of Mum's stuff, minus stuff that was rightfully mine, and I get most of Dad's stuff.

Anything that they didn't want I got. That's how it worked.

She was also helping me look for a new place.

I'd already offered this place to Jared and Kim. They were already moved in together, but with Jared's mum. They really needed a place of their own – if only to save Jared's Mum the embarrassment of hearing them have sex – again.

They had agreed – but only when I was ready.

I told them I'd be out before the month was.

But once again, my thoughts turned to Bella.

Bella, my perfect, human Bella, who still stumbled and mumbled and blushed. Who still didn't know how strong she really was. Who didn't know that she still had my heart.

Because of her, I was going to be a bigger man.

As soon as I stopped aching so badly.

As soon as I stopped waking up of a morning, ears stretching to hear the familiar screech of tires on wooden floors, of a gentle but constant snore from next door.

As soon as I stopped crying myself to sleep.

As soon as I stopped wanting to end the madness, end the pain.

As soon as the depression ends.

There was no way in hell I was going to phase in this state of mind. I couldn't handle Leah's sneers, or worse – her condolences. I couldn't handle the sympathy of the guys. I couldn't handle the pressure to step up to Alpha because it was my place – to step up into my Dad's shoes.

It's funny – Billy had prepared me, somewhat, for everything in my life. He'd prepared me for walking, talking, running, fishing, girls, the wolf business. But not Alpha. Not Tribal leader. The two things that I really needed now – now that he was gone – are the two things that he never got time to teach me.

~/*\~

_Knock_

_Knock _

_Knock_

"Jacob?" Charlie's voice called. Strange, Charlie never used to knock –just announce himself.

"Yeah Charlie," I called out.

"Brought you some fish." He said gruffly as I lumbered over to him.

Right. Charlie bought me fish…Why?

"Thanks?" The question lingered in the word.

"I know what it's like son. You shouldn't have to worry about cooking as well as…everything else."

I just nodded. Charlie seemed to like to do that a lot.

Charlie, however, was looking everywhere, except me, the fridge and Dad's spot.

He ran his fingers through his hair – something that Bella did when she was nervous. Maybe that's where she got it from?

"Look, if…if you don't want to stay…here, you can always stay with me. I mean, I know the house is small and stuff, and I won't be around and all…but Bella's room is free, if you don't mind sleeping in a girls room. We have some stuff to talk about. But the offer's on the table. Just so you know."

He nodded and walked out.

I was more than surprised. Charlie was offering me a place to stay? Me? The guy who took his daughter's virginity? Well, hopefully he didn't know – at least, not at the time – that particular detail.

And what stuff?

I jogged outside. "Charlie!"

He looked up, cheeks still stained slightly from the long speech he had given.

"What?"

"What time do you get off work?"

He smiled slightly. "You come by any time – I'm only cleaning today."

I nodded and he got into his cruiser and drove away.

I walked back inside and dialled Sam.

"Jake. How are you holding up?" Emily asked.

"I'm fine Em. Is Sam there?"

She wordlessly handed over the phone.

"Hello?"

"Sam, its Jake."

"Jake." Stoic as ever.

"I'm going to be staying with Charlie for a while. Just thought you should know."

"Right. I'll let the pack know. Call me when you're coming back. When you're ready to start phasing again. I'm not asking for a right away answer. But, speaking from experience, after starting after a long time of not phasing, your control gets a little rusty. We don't want Charlie shooting you by mistake."

"Yep. Talk to you soon."

"Bye." He said and hung up.

I ate the fish, and packed a small bag. I included at least two shirts. No use in freaking Charlie out.

I grabbed the keys to the rabbit and was off.

~/*\~

After a few days, Charlie sat me down.

"We have a lot of things to talk about." He said, stoic and calm.

I nodded – what else was I to do?

"When Billy got sick – really bad, I mean – he had his will amended. It used to have you under the care of Harry, but Harry isn't around either. So, he had changed to me. I'm going to be your legal guardian until your 21. I know your 18, or almost, but there is some stuff that requires a guardian for. I'm not going to treat you like my son – because heaven knows that I'm a little old to be getting one, and you're a little old to 'inherit' a father. If you don't want to live with me, that's fine. But if you do, I'll have to set down a few ground rules."

I swallowed. Charlie was my guardian? Well, not that I didn't expect it. But still, I'm a little shocked. I always thought that I'd be staying on the Res if Billy died. With a Council member if worse came to worse. But Dad obviously knew me better than I knew myself. I wouldn't have been happy.

"I'll stay," I said gruffly.

Charlie nodded – he sort of expected that I guess. "Rule one – no smoking anything at anytime in or around the house.

"Rule two – no girls. None at all in the house if I'm not here, and then they have to be gone by 10.

"Rule three – no drinking my beer. If you want some, go scab somewhere else. I'm not serving to minors, and I don't want you coming here drunk anyway.

"Rule four – school. It is compulsory. And you have to pass. That is also in the will, not just me.

"Rule five – curfew. Billy explained to me that you have tribal commitments most nights. But while you're here I won't have in swing by at all hours of the night. Sunday through Thursday nights – home by 11. Friday and Saturday – home by 2. No arguments. If it's really important we can discuss when it arises.

"Rule six – no porn in the house. Period.

"Rule seven – you break it you fix it. You hungry you cook. It's dirty you clean it. I'm not a maid. You can set up a garage in the back if you need one for your mechanical outlets.

"Rule eight – I don't want to ever hear of you getting into any fights at any time. If you get injured, go to a doctor – I'm not a nurse. If I can't see it, I won't ask. I think that should do it. Any problems with these?"

"Just two – firstly about school. Will I be staying at the Res school? I mean, we're half-way through my last semester."

"You got a car. You can drive. I'm not paying for gas either."

I nod. Charlie wasn't going to play, that was for sure.

"Second question?" He asked.

"What happens when Bella comes back?"

He shrugged. "She only comes by during spring break, and even then only for a few days. She spends most of it with Renee. Spring is a long way off. If you still want to be here then you two can decide who's on the couch. Anything else?"

"Want to help me find a job and a house?"

Charlie smiled – actually smiled. "Sure thing. Tomorrow. Games about to start."

I nodded and walked up the stairs.

I opened her door and, once again, I was assaulted with the scent of her. It was everywhere in here. I swear Charlie hadn't even opened the door since she left. It smelt fresh as well, like she hadn't even left.

I hadn't touched any of her stuff while I had been here. Save for opening her dresser, and finding a few discarded panties and the odd stocking and an earring. She did leave behind a big box in the top of her cupboard.

I pulled it down and had a look.

Behind it was another box.

I could tell though, just by holding _this_ box that it had the leech's stuff in it. I opened it anyway, and found a ring – it was huge and gaudy and crusted with diamonds. Something the leech would give her. I also found a small diamond heart. One that used to hang on a certain bracelet.

There were also photos – most of them of her and him, some of the bloodsucker family. Most were from the time when he had come back. But some, towards the bottom, were of the time before she was My Bella.

She looked a little uncertain, but also kind of…drugged. Like when a high person sees food. They want it, need it, but are still uncertain about whether they should have it.

Well, she did describe him as 'a drug'.

I closed to lid – although the stench of leech still tainted the air – and I opened the other box.

Inside, it was all the stuff of the pack – stuff that would be too hard to cart to college, I guess. There were photos – so many of them. Mostly from that Summer. A few from after, but when _they_ had returned, Bells had left – she wasn't a wolf-girl anymore. She was the vampire-girl once more.

She also had photos of her mother and her husband, and a child. Bella had a brother? She didn't tell me. But then again, we don't talk.

He doesn't have the same eyes as Bella, but he's small like her. I wonder what his name is?

I flip through the various photos, noting that she lots of copies of some photos. Some were scribbled over, some she had 'edited' the faces of the pack. I never realised that Sam would look so much better with a mono-brow and a goatee. And I never knew that I should never grow a moustache. And Quil should definitely clip his ear hairs. Definitely.

I toyed with the random trinkets in there – her failed attempts of making a bracelet, a necklace pendant that she bought at the markets.

A small, plush wolf that still smelled relatively new. It was a red wolf. Like I was – am.

I sat there, just looking at it. I lifted the tag – _Collect all three!_ It emblazed proudly. I wonder if she had. This wolf was content – he looked like he had just eaten everything. Lucky dog.

I sigh and put everything back into the box and put it and the other one back into the cupboard where they belonged. Since I was stayed here almost permanently, I decided to move all my stuff into the dresser that was very much deserted. But, much to my delight, there were still some of my old shirts in there – they were much too small to fit me now, but I noticed that not all of the ones I had 'donated' to her were her. Maybe she changes them over whenever she stays?

But, whatever.

At least I know that she still remembers me.

~/*\~

After a month or two, I started to phase irregularly – only when I knew the patrols changed over, so I could run. I'd been aching to run – feel the sharp coolness of the night air run over my body.

I only did it when I knew that Charlie was working the graveyard shift – 9 to 9. Recently, I've been able to do it more often – a string of robberies by youths had him going in at all hours of the night. He was a little bit angry – everyone knew that the kids were doing it – they just lacked hard proof. This was the first time they'd done this – they were charged last year, but later found that they hadn't, so it was harder now to charge them with these robberies – double jeopardy and all.

Eventually, I decided to tell Sam that I want back in – to be put on shifts again.

Sam was…relieved.

Everyone else was happy – Sam had been running them a little too hard. Apparently I was irreplaceable.

I was also the only one who got along with Leah.

Well, by 'get along' I mean 'her not trying to kill me, and me not being snarky towards her bitchy attitude'.

Well, we had until the whole Bella thing.

She's the one who put the idea in my head after all.

_All I did was tell you what I needed to hear when I went through the same thing,_ she chimed in. _I didn't make you run off to be stoned, drunk and sleazy. That was your own god-damn fault._

_You helped the process along_

_Better than you whining and complaining all the time_

_Gee, I wonder where I'd pick up a nasty habit like that?_ I said snidely. She sniffed and raced away from me.

_Stop thinking so loudly and I'll keep out of your thoughts. I don't need to be back on Bella-Pant._

Yes, they'd nicknamed it. 'Bella-pant' – what my obviously strong and loud thoughts did to everyone. Jared and Sam could withhold it. They were strong in their Imprints. Quil liked the eye-candy. He was, after all, imprinted to kindergartener.

Embry never mentioned having the effect to me, but even he grew tired of my only channel being 'Bella24/7'

Seth still harboured a major crush on her. Though he was older now, she was his first 'real' crush. And he held onto that. Annoyingly so.

Brady and Colin didn't know who the fuck this chick was. They didn't remember her. By the time they'd come round, she was the Vampire-girl again. None of their concern. They were still hot for her. Heck, any short brunette made them whistle.

_Not helping Jacob,_ Leah reminded me. _Please, shut up!_

_Sure, sure,_

'_Sure, sure' my ass. _

I laughed internally. I loved making her squirm. She deserved a little of it.

But I only had about twenty minutes left. Charlie would be home in forty, by which time I would be dead asleep, snoring loudly enough to wake the dead.

Dreaming of Bella.

Alive, human Bella.

_So, shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Don't wanna hear it!_

_Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out of my life, _Leah sang.

_Hardy damn ha._ I said sarcastically.

_You got a better one?_

_For you? Sure. I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie wor-r-rld_

_I hate that song! Can you just get out of my head! Please!_

_How about this one?_

_I just can't get you out of my head,_ I sang with a little too much glee.

_That's it! Go Home! I'll cover it for the next fifteen! Heck, I'll even get Quil up! His teasing is better than your internal radio station!_

I bark happily, and trot to Forks, howling for Quil as I did so.

_Good luck out there man,_ I tell him. _She's in her bitchiest mood tonight_

_Oh, yay for me. I'll have to think of Claire all night,_ he sighed, and I barked out laughter at Leah's sneer.

_Or better yet, I haven't seen or talked to _Bella_ in a while…_

_Quil, don't you dare!_ Leah threatened.

_Oh Jake, by the way, we have to talk. I saw you, a while ago. We have to talk._

I didn't ask questions. Quil never used that serious tone unless it was about an imprint.

Or Bella.

I nod and race back to Forks, just to hear Quil and Leah start on the remarks.

And boy, were they in fine form tonight.

I climbed up through my –well, Bella's – window, and crawled into bed, just to hear Charlie's cruiser pull up.

He was home early. They must have finally busted the teens.

"Jake, you up boy?"

I roll over groggily. "Huh?"

"You seen anything out in the forest tonight?"

I shake my head. Nothing besides trees, animals and shadows. "Nope. Why?"

"I can hear a wolf howling all the way from the Res, and I thought to saw one as I was driving. Big thing though – like a horse or a bear more than a wolf. Red one too."

My brain freezes. Charlie saw me as a wolf. I smile though. "Don't worry, I'll make they don't eat your flowers off the back porch," I say lightly.

He shakes his head. "You took it a lot better than Bella did, but then again, she actually saw it. She's loved red wolves since. Quite adored them – much to 'you-know-who's' dislike, I might add."

I grin. She's always loved Red wolves since she found out it was me? Even though Eddie-poo didn't like it? Well, aren't I just special.

"Well, if you do ever see one, there's a tranq gun above the laundry door – loaded. It might take a few hits, but it'll come down. Some of the Vets in town wanna have a little look. If it isn't stopping, there's a rifle in the kitchen cupboard, second to the left."

I nodded, but inside I shook my head with amazement. Why did Charlie feel the need to have so many guns?

"Well, good night boy," he said gruffly.

"Night Charlie."

He lumbered off, and I fell into a deep sleep. Dreaming of Bella, trying to remember if she'd changed at all. She'd of had to have changed in the two years since she'd be gone, hadn't she?

~/*\~

That day at school, Quil took me aside at lunch.

"I saw you," he told me in a dead voice.

I raised an eyebrow. "You saw me…?"

"After the funeral. After Bella."

I freeze. Only Quil would be so observant and say nothing until now. Three months later.

"I saw you smile for real for the first time since she'd left."

I shrug. You don't need to come up with a response when you shrug. You can calm your anger.

"Look Jake, I'm happy that your back. But jeez, man, you're doing it again. You're living for _her_ again. Don't deny it. I know."

"But you saw her Quil – she's _human._ She didn't smell like Vampire. At all. She's not with him. Not with them."

"So you think she'll be with you? Jake, she's in _Arizona_ for fuck's sake. If she wanted you, she'd be closer to home."

"She's in the one place where _they_ can't go – the sun."

"Whatever man. Just don't build your life around hers. Not again."

"I'm not!"

Quil looked me in the eyes, and gave me the saddest, angriest look I've ever seen. "How many times are you going to let her break you before you decide that what you've got left is better without her?"

And with that, he walked away.

And I just stood there, like an idiot.

~/*\~

A few weeks after that, I started to dial her number.

"Hello?" She'd ask, and she sounded…happy.

"Hilary! For God's sake, don't throw Elliot at Annie! I'm not stitching him again!" She hollered. That made me smile. She'd gotten bossy.

"I'm sorry. Hi? Anyone there?"

My throat constricted. I made a noise, not a word, just a noise.

"Hello?"

And I'd hang up. So she wouldn't know that I was phone-stalking her.

A few weeks after that, I actually spoke to her.

"Bells," I breathed. I heard her gasp and I hung up before she could say anything.

She's alive. She's good. She has friends, a life.

~/*\~

**Quil POV**

It's been about six months since the funeral. Jake knows that I know about him living for her. For Bella.

Normally, it wouldn't really matter what Jake did – I mean, he's preparing for becoming Alpha – Sam and the Elders are teaching him what he needs to know.

And that's great.

But his life shouldn't revolve around a girl who might not even care anymore. Who might want to get out of the realm of the supernatural. Who'll find herself a nice human.

Not that it's likely.

So, I'm calling her.

"Hello?" A voice that isn't Bella's chimes happily.

"Hi. Bella there?"

"Sure thing, just give me a minute," she says.

"BELLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAA! PHOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNEE!" She bellows and I chuckle. Only Bella could find someone with lungs like that.

"You didn't have to holler, I was only across the hall."

"Yeah, give me the gossip later. Someone tall dark and handsome is on the phone."

"How do you know he's tall dark and handsome?" Bella demanded.

"Because. I'm psychotic."

"Don't you mean psychic?"

"That too. Here you are,"

"Thanks. Hello, sorry about that. She's blonde."

"No need to apologize Bella. I'm sure we'd get on fine."

"QUIL?" She exclaimed, a mix between excited and scared.

"I can hear you plenty fine. No need to shout." I chuckled.

She laughed. A good, proper laugh that I hadn't heard since…the summer she was with Jake. "Sorry. I'm just surprised. Why are you calling so out of the blue?"

"Bella, I'm hurt. I need a reason to call you?"

"Well, seeing as you haven't called since…before college I'm guessing you have a reason."

"You cut me deep."

"Okay Quil, enough theatrics. What is it?"

"It's about Jake," but as soon as the words are out of mouth, I knew I'd done wrong. She'd leap to the wrong conclusion.

"WHAT?" She screeched. I didn't know girls could go so high. "He's not dead is he? He's alive? It wasn't a …visitor? Oh God Quil, if he's dead I'm coming up and kicking your sorry-"

"Bella, Bella, Bella. Calm down. Jake's fine. He's better now than when you saw him."

I heard her sigh heavily. "Thank God. Quil, what's happening? If he's not dead or dying…"

"That's why I'm calling. He's doing it again."

"What again?"

"Living for you. Building his life. For you. Again."

I heard her gasp slightly. No wonder she tripped a lot. She had lack of oxygen to the brain, seeing as she never learnt to breathe properly.

"So, I'm calling to ask, are you coming back? Ever? Because, as much as I love seeing Jake up and alive. I don't want him clinging onto a wish that will never come true."

"Quil, I can't answer that. Not yet."

"Why the hell not? Bella, we all know that you don't plan a week in advance. You plan years. And I want to know, in three years time, will you be back. For Jake. I can't see him – hear him – being broke again."

"So kick him while he's down now?" She demanded.

"No. Just let him know so he doesn't wait around forever."

"And what if he imprints in those three years? Hmm? What will happen to me if I decide to come back? This 'building his life around you' crap works both ways."

"Are you saying that you are?"

"I'm saying what if?"

"Wanna make a pact? If you say that you are coming back, then I'll tell you if he imprints. Deal?"

Silence.

"Ok."

"So, are you coming back in three years?"

More silence.

Then, so quiet that I could barely hear her – super powers and all – "Yes. I'll be there. Spring. Three years."

"See you then," I told her, cracking a grin.

I went to hang up before she yelled "Quil?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't tell anyone. I know you're still … hunting. We both don't know what super powers they may have. I don't want word getting around. Not to Jake. Not to the Cullen's."

"Are you still speaking with them?"

"Emmett – the big one – and Alice. Well, you know her. They come by every couple of months. No Edward. I'm not going back to him."

"Bells, what happened?"

I heard her breathe in sharply at her nick-name. "I'll tell you eventually. I have to tell Jake first."

"But that's three years of waiting," I whined.

"Hardy damn ha." She mumbled and I almost fell out of my chair. That's where Jake got that annoying saying from? _Bella_?

"See you in three years," I told her.

"Sure, sure." And she picked up that one? Did they share a brain at some stage?

"Bye Bells,"

"See you Quil."

I hung up, and just sat there for a moment.

Bella was alive. She was coming back. For Jake. Three years wasn't that long. Heck, it was probably less than three years till she graduated. But I guess she had…goodbyes…to give to certain bloodsuckers.

Then another, more disturbing thought hit me.

How was I gonna keep this under wraps for three fucking years?

Man, Jake's gonna owe me.

~/*\~

**JPOV**

_Days go by, I can feel 'em flying like a hand out the window in the wind,_ I sang in my head.

_Damn it Jake, Keith fucking Urban? You could at least something recent. That song is sooooooo old_ Quil drawled.

_Hardy damn ha,_ I shot back, but switched to Ke$ha anyway.

And just as I did so, a flash on Bella flew through Quil's mind.

_What was that?_

_Bella used to say that all the time,_ Quil explained.

I shrugged mentally.

_And they _

_Turn me on _

_When they _

_Take it_

_When they take it off _

_Everybody take it off,_

_-Ahhh! Anything but Ke$ha!_

_Can I go back to Keith? _I joked.

_-Go back to the eighties for all I care. _

_Okay then. It's rainin' men. Hallelujah it's rainin' men_

_-Was that from the eighties?_

_How should I know? I wasn't exactly focused on music in the eighties. I was more concerned about walking in the nineties_

_-Man, you weren't born until the nineties!_

_Whatever. I'm finished now._

_-What are you gonna do?_

_Homework. One of the 'conditions of Charlie' – I explained it all too you man. I have to pass or I'm out._

_-Aren't you leaving anyway? What's the point?_

_The point is that I don't wanna be living in the forest until then._

_-Whatever. Have fun._

_Always, _I reply before phasing back and jogging back to Charlie's. I had Maths to study for and an English essay on Shakespeare to write before tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure that Shakespeare didn't write his stupid plays and shit to be abused in the schooling system. At least, not in English. What good is knowing what techniques he used for Othello when I'm not even going to Uni? I'm going to stay in la Push.

Forever.

Probably single.

Probably Alpha after a while.

Definitely the 'cool uncle' who corrupts the nephews and spoils the nieces.

I wonder what our kids would have looked like if I had married Bella? Her gorgeous brown eyes, my skin. Probably my hair as well.

The girls would be little – like she is.

The boys big – hopefully not _as_ big as me. Hopefully no Vampires around for them to get as big as me.

"Jake! Phone for you!" Charlie calls as I jog up the street.

I go a little faster.

"Who is it?" I ask.

"Jared. About the house."

"Hey Jared, what up?"

"Nothing much. Has the furniture been moved out?"

"The moving guys are coming in two days, remember? I told you." I told him. By 'moving guys' I meant the Pack had a day off and this way going to be basically 'who was the strongest wolf in human form' – it was also a way for Rachel to claim her and Rebecca's stuff. Rebecca was going to be there via video call. Everything else was going to me.

"Yeah well, this moving guy has to take Kim to Port that day. Call us when it's done? We're going bed shopping." He sounded awful gleeful at the prospect.

"Don't break any before you buy them."

"We'll try not to."

"Call you then."

"See ya."

I hung up.

"What did he want?" Charlie asked from the stove. I had him boiling potatoes. That he couldn't mess up.

"He's going bed shopping in two days – the day the movers are coming. He just wants to be updated on when he can bring the bed home I guess."

"Did you want me there to help? I can always take the day off you know."

"Nah, it's fine. A few friends are helping. You don't mind me having the day off though do you?"

He snorted. "As if I could stop you. I'll drop round _your place_," he said with extra emphasis, "when I'm finished. Someone's gotta help you with your new TV."

"I told you, you didn't need to give me the Flat Screen."

"Well I'm upgrading. You'd be getting it anyway. At least this way I don't have to rearrange Bella's room to put it up there."

Just the mention of Bella made me slightly hard and made me remember that Spring Break was only a few weeks away.

"You're gonna be all packed up before she gets here, right?"

"That's the plan. I don't want to lose the battle and sleep on the couch."

"You've done it before."

"Yeah, but it wasn't optional then."

Charlie just nodded. Before, "Umm, is it supposed to be boiling like that?"

I sighed. Bella could have at least taught him how to cook before she left.

~/*\~

"Okay men, are we ready to prove our worth?" Quil demanded as he walked proudly round the front of Billy's house.

"Men? What men?" Leah asked sarcastically. "All I see are a couple of dumb dogs."

"Then why are you here?"

"Well, The Bitch couldn't miss the epic failure now could she?" She arched an eyebrow.

Yes, Leah officially accepted the nickname 'The Bitch'

Heck, we even splurged for a shirt for her.

And a car thing that said it.

And a bumper sticker.

And key chain.

And a hat.

Quil suggested dog tags but that went a little too far.

"So, where are we taking these things?" Seth asked, sitting on the porch.

"You know that little cottage down that road when you first onto the Res?" I ask him.

He thinks for a minute. "Your mum's old place?"

I nod. "Yeah. I bought it off the bank. So now, it's my place. That where we're taking them."

"You sound like it's a game off Monopoly. 'I bought it off the bank, so I can now charge $80 rent and put a house on it so I can charge you $2000'." Colin stated.

I grinned. He was a more sarcastic, not-as-flirty version of Quil.

"No one's been there for years." Brady said.

"I'm gonna fix it up. I have till Spring break after all."

"And then…what?"

"Then I graduate, move out of Charlie's and live happily ever after," I say sarcastically.

Leah chuckles at that.

"Come on Rach, don't you want to see your man do manly work?"

"Why do you think I bought a camera?" she asked sweetly.

Paul grinned, ego effectively enhanced.

"Didn't you bring it so you would have blackmail material?" Leah queried.

"Isn't that why you're here as well?" Rachel asked back.

Paul looked deeply wounded.

Leah and Rachel just looked proud of themselves.

"Alright, alright. Enough talk. Who's got the stopwatch?" Quil asked.

"I do," Sam said stoically. He was the only male wolf not partaking.

"And who's up first?"

"I am," I say. "Just so you boys don't get lost and can follow my scent."

Rachel sniggered. "I don't have to be a wolf to follow _your_ scent. You stink. When was your last shower?"

"About three months ago? I think?" I say.

She gagged.

"This morning you twit. Now Quil, as 'organiser' of this event, what am I taking?"

"I don't even know what you're letting Jared keep,"

"Kitchen and bathroom. I'm selling the single bed."

"Then you can start with…the wardrobe."

"Okay then." I say as I walk inside and lift it up over my head and walk out.

"Ready Sam? This is the benchmark time after all." I say in a cheesy sort of way.

"Don't let that hunk of wood kill your brain cell," Rebecca warned via phone.

"Hey, I have more than one! I have at least five." I say, mock-indignant.

"After that thing, I'd say you'll have one."

"Ready set go," Sam said quickly and I raced off. This thing was so light considering it was empty and I was super-strong.

I placed it carefully on the ground outside the dilapidated old cottage and race back.

"Don't tell him his time yet!" Quil hollered at Sam. "We wanna make this a competition!"

Sam and I just groan.

"Right-o, who's next?" Quil asked cheerily.

Leah smacked him up the head.

And so began the games.

~/*\~

In the end, Paul had the fastest time surprisingly.

And I had a whole lot of furniture out in the wet.

So, after forcing the door to stay open I managed to get everything inside.

The state of this place was depressing. It used to be beautiful –mum would come up here and stay the weekend with one her girlfriends. Usually when Billy planned a big fishing trip. The girls went to sleepovers, and so did I, but I sometimes got to go with mum.

It was cozy – a big old fashioned fire place, simple kitchen, a small bedroom, a large bedroom, small tv, simple. Just like her.

After she died, Dad couldn't bear to keep it – to many painful memories. It was where they had first 'gone steady'. Where he proposed, they were married in the garden, where they honeymooned, where they lived until mum got pregnant with twins. They needed somewhere bigger.

This was 'their house'. Now it was my house.

As soon as I fixed it up. I knew it wasn't going to be cheap, but I worked at the garage down the street. And I was good. I could do this.

I was going to do this before Bella got back.

Whether it killed me or not, I had to.

~/*\~

That night, after Charlie brought round the flat screen and we'd moved it a dry place, he drove me home, looking a bit forlorn.

"What is it?" I asked him.

Charlie shrugged noncommittally. "Nothing."

I nodded. He would talk eventually.

"Fine." Knew it – he cracked so easily. "You know that guy Bella was seeing? That fish guy? Well she broke it off with him."

I shrugged. I was very happy on the inside. Ecstatic actually.

Charlie was so happy when Bella had finally gotten into a relationship that didn't really interfere with her life. And the guy was in the fish business, so he was automatically in Charlie's good books.

Apparently he got on real good with Bella's mum as well. He seemed like a keeper.

I wonder why she cut it off so suddenly? If he had hurt her in anyway, shape or form…

"Jake, stop steaming. She told me herself that she didn't need a relationship in college to appreciate it. She's happy just going on as she had before Kyle."

So that was his name.

"Seriously Jake. Calm. Before I kick you out of the car," Charlie chuckled to himself.

It didn't matter if he did or not – either way I'd beat him to the house.

"Hey Charlie, I got Tribal stuff tonight. I might be in a bit later than usual."

"Now Jake, I know that are some exceptions to the rules, but not on curfew. You can stay out until 11. Like always. And I'm not working tonight, so I'll know when you get in." He warned.

Great. Now I can't work on the house all night. But, maybe if I looped in the house, 'asleep' for a few minutes, until Charlie was asleep, then go back out again. I mean, I wasn't patrolling on a regular schedule – the patrols had slacked a bit. No vampires in ages. Well, since _they_ left town.

"Okay then Charlie," I sighed. "11 it is."

He smiled triumphantly. "Good. So, take-out tonight?"

I grinned. "Sure thing."

~/*\~

That night, I managed to sweep out the place, and get rid of most of the rotting wood on the inside.

Not bad for a nights work.

~/*\~

After that I had 'tribal stuff' most nights. Not that Charlie minded – so long as I was home at curfew.

But, the thing is, I usually did have tribal stuff. I was being prepared for Alpha and eventually leader of the Tribe.

Believe me, it's not as awesome as you'd think. Sam didn't have to go through it – he was already 'Alpha' when he changed - he was the only one, after all, and then he was the only one who really understood what they were doing. So he helped a lot with the preparation, especially using the Alpha Control command. He had Paul demonstrate with us. Basically, while Paul couldn't move, couldn't think until Sam said so, I could fight back, just a little, because I wasn't ready for the power shift, but I was still able, because I was rightfully the Alpha.

It was a bit boring – especially when they told the old stories over and over again – and making references to them again and again, but I was deemed 'ready' by everyone – even Sam – soon enough.

I wasn't ready yet though. I wouldn't _be_ ready until mum's house was finished, and Bella had left, and I wasn't going to break.

I would be ready then. And until then, I was happy just being me.

Happy just to make money doing oil changes, and general services, and changing tires.

Happy just to fix up my house, to paint it Bella's favourite colours like blue and russet red, and fired amber, and dark purple.

Happy to make a small extension to the side so that, when she did come back, we could live here. No need to move away because of children. Hey, I would just keep extending it the more we had if need be.

Happy just to try and graduate.

It was really starting to get to everyone – especially Quil and Embry- that I was actually trying. I mean, it's not like I _needed_ to graduate senior year – it wasn't like I was going to college or anything.

It annoyed them that I would be thinking about assignments that they hadn't gotten, or trying to figure out something for a test they had forgotten about while phased. It annoyed them that it annoyed me when I didn't good marks for something.

_Give it up already. You're going to pass with flying colours. Heck, you could be a doctor with the marks you're gonna get. Just shut up about it already._ Embry snapped at me.

I immediately clouded my mind. A good habit I picked up when Eddie-poo was around. I could now think about school and Bella as much as I wanted without getting yelled at.

Well, unless they really _want_ to get in. Like Embry is right now.

_Dude, you better break out the excuses, cause Charlie's looks like he's gonna blow gasket!_ Embry was over near the highway.

_Shit! I've been good lately!_ I think, running full-ball back to the house.

_Whatever, change back now. Save your big furry ass._

I smirk at him, but do what he says.

I run as fast as I can in human form, leap through the trees and I'm at my desk as Charlie pulls up.

"Jacob Ephraim Black!" Charlie hollers, and, for some strange reason, I feel scared and have the urge to smile at the same time. "Get down here this instant!"

I do what he says. I actually feared for my well-being. From Charlie.

"Yeah Charlie?" I ask, scratching the back of my head.

"Why are there several large boys fixing up your house?"

"There are?" I knew nothing about this.

"They aren't Sam's lot either. Now you'd better explain, because, so help me God if you helping juvenile delinquency you'll be out of this door faster than-"

"Charlie! I didn't know anyone was around mum's house, alright? I've been studying all day."

"Why aren't you at school?"

_Great. He asks me this _after_ he explodes._

"I have an exam this afternoon. No class for me."

He nodded. "Now, explain these kids."

"I didn't even know they were there. Not very many people know where to find the house – not even some of my friends."

"Well, do I have to go back and bust 'em for trespassing? Because it's your house, and if they know you…"

"Bust 'em." I said, not really caring is some of the Res kids got busted for truanting.

Charlie nodded and was off again.

I sighed and shook my head. That was the weirdest feeling – weirdest conversation – I'd ever had. Why did Charlie have to _ask_ to bust people for trespassing? Me of all people? I checked the wall clock and swore. I was almost late for my exam.

I grabbed my pencil case and keys and I was out the door.

So much for being 'prepared'.

~/*\~

Surprisingly (not) I wasn't the latest one there. Embry and Quil ran in two minutes after it started.

But it was after the exam that it the shit hit the fan.

"Fuck, Jake, you could have helped a little! I didn't know a thing I was writing about!" Quil said as I gave them a lift back to Sam's.

"Hey, you don't like it when I think about school while phased. When else are you going to pick my brains?" I demanded.

"We have to sift through Bella to get to the answers though!" Embry protested.

"Why didn't you study to begin with?"

And so we argued all the way to Sam's.

And during the meeting.

And on the way home.

And on patrol that night.

And for the next week until scores were posted.

We all had passed – I was near top of the class. That was surprising.

I was never academically minded. When Bella was still around, she helped a lot, and I'd managed to pass that year.

Then she left. And I basically flunked out.

Now, I'm building my way up.

Not out though. Just up.

Try explaining _that_ to the Principal.

"Jake, I just don't understand why you're putting in all the hard yards, if you aren't going to try to get into college. You could get grants if money is an issue. I'm sure the elders would let you go to college – even Seattle. It's close. Washington state even."

I shook my head. "College isn't an option for me. Once I graduate and turn eighteen, I'll be required to step up as Chief. I can't do that duty while I'm in Seattle."

The principal – who wasn't Quiluete – couldn't seem to grasp that.

"What would I study anyway? The only thing I'm interested in is mechanics, and you don't need a uni degree for that."

"You could study engineering," the principal pushed – did they ever give up? "That pays well, and after uni you could come back."

"I don't have four or five years to spare." I tell him, standing up. "If that's all, sir," I say as way of good bye.

"Yes, well, good afternoon Jake,"

I nod at him and walk out of the office.

Who said that principals were scary?

~/*\~

A few weeks passed – I was unofficially a graduate. And so were Quil and Embry, surprisingly. I only had a graduation ceremony to get through, as well as a few minor exams.

It was spring break in a few days.

"Jake?" Charlie said one morning. He looked apprehensive.

"Yeah?"

"How's your house going?"

"Good – I'm still trying to figure out to get the flooring in before it rains again. I'm thinking that floating stuff – you know, the kind that just sits on top of the other stuff?"

"That's good. I'll help you when you get the stuff in," By 'help' Charlie meant 'I'll stand back and be supervisor while you spend the afternoon on your knees.' "But there's something you should know."

"What?"

"Bella's coming down a few days earlier this time. She'll be here day after tomorrow."

I froze. I wasn't ready for this!

"Thanks for the warning. I'll have to move my stuff out so she doesn't have to rifle through my underwear," I said, faking a smile.

"Yeah, you'd better get that flooring in soon. Well, see you," he said, a little awkwardly, and walked out of the house. I sighed.

Seems like it was time for me to buck up and become Alpha then.

I picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Sam, it's Jake. I'll do it. Day after tomorrow."

"I'll tell the elders. Why now? Out of the blue?"

"Bella will be in town."

"Well, I won't tell them that. See you soon,"

"Bye," I said softly, and hung up, feeling a little sorry for myself, before hauling myself up to my –Bella's room, and grabbed the plastic bags. It was time to move out.

~/*\~

**QPOV**

Bella was coming back. I mean, we'd talked often since that first time, mostly about her. I never let anything about us – or Jake – reach her ears. I don't think she noticed.

But, this was good, her coming back. She was making him step up into Alpha. It was about time – the tension between Sam and Jake had been there for donkey years.

I was anxious to see her, but with Alpha power transfer thing I wouldn't have time, and Bella would be only staying for a day or two.

But anyway, it's not like she wasn't coming back, right?

~/*\~

**JPOV**

I hurt all over.

That's the only way to explain it.

I hurt.

It was a different hurt from transforming for the first time. It was like have all your bones smooshed into a paste, then having to eat the paste, before having to have you rearrange yourself without instructions.

I hurt.

And I didn't even get to see Bella.

But I felt different. The Elders said I would probably grow, because I obviously wasn't tall enough now. And I bulk up even more – because I was way too small to be Alpha.

Not.

All I could do was lie absolutely still as my body tried to become what 'it was meant to become' so no phasing, no showering, I wasn't supposed to move for anything save form eating and peeing.

Direct orders.

Not that I could do even that.

I hurt too much.

But this hurt is going to help me.

~/*\~

So, the pack finished the house while I was dying.

And I was graduated, with an apprenticeship lined up at the Mechanics.

Life was good and simple.

But I wasn't going to phase for a while.

Not until I was ready for my mind to be laid open for everyone.

Not until I was ready for this power-shift that I called it.

Not until Bella was definitely out of Forks.

God, I keep remembering how she looked that day, at the funeral. She wasn't taller, but she had filled out. And the black contrasted against her pale skin beautifully.

If I still had her, I'd make her wear a little bit black everywhere we went.

_Like your last name in place of hers._

Hey, it's a packaged deal – you steal my heart, you steal my last name as well.

I sat on the edge of my bed, running my hands through my hair – I'd need to get it cut soon.

~/*\~

It's been a while now.

I'm officially 'Alpha' and Sam is starting to not phase – so that he can age with Emily. Leah is my Beta – which surprised everyone but Sam. Leah would 'flourish' without Sam being there all the time, and she was bossy enough that everyone done what she said anyway. This way, though she had a little extra kick in her words.

Embry and Quil were still a little cut, but Seth looked forward to this – now he could joy-ride a little.

It had been one year, officially, since I last saw Bella.

I hadn't touched alcohol, drugs or even looked a girl (save for Leah – but she was safe territory) since then.

That day, I didn't patrol. Instead I curled up in my home- newly completed – thinking of Billy and Bella, of that summer.

I looked to a photo I had of her, with Quil and Embry on either side of her. She was smiling so much that day.

I sat there, and wondered – not for the first time,

_Is it still me_ _that makes you sweat? Am I who you think about in bed?_

But that thought usually led to two things. That summer of non-stop sex, or the possible sex she could be having in college.

I had the radio going, and the song that blasted for the millionth time, was Need you now, by Lady Antebellum.

_It's a quarter after 1_

_I'm all alone _

_and I need you now_

_Said I wouldn't call_

_But I've lost all control_

_And I need you now_

_And I don't know how I can do with out_

_I just need you now._

That song, summed up my life without Bella.

I needed her.

Now.

And forever.

But, most importantly, now.

Yep, Bella had 2 years left of College. Then, maybe, _hopefully_ I would see her.

2 years of wanting.

2 years of needing.

2 years of changing ahead.


	10. Moving On

**Moving On**

_Warning: Taylor Swift songfic 'The Way I Loved You'_

~/*\~

**Those at my side are keeping me alive**

~/*\~

**BPOV**

_It's a quarter after one_

_I'm a little drunk_

_And I need you now_

_Said I wouldn't call_

_But I've lost all control_

_And I need you now_

_And I don't know how _

_I can do without_

_I just need you now_

Yep. Story of my life.

On the plane ride back, all I did was cry. Jake had changed, he was harder, with only a reflection of the youth, of the innocence in his eyes. He'd seen too much of this world. Charlie had cried. Charlie. Stoic, calm, no-nonsense Charlie had cried.

So I cried, shed all the tears that weren't shed in _that_ place.

The people in plane had guessed I had come from a funeral – black dress, a mess, and offered tissues, soothing drinks, and gave me their condolences via sympathetic looks.

But all I wanted, at that moment, was Jake. Jake, all smiles and sunshine, who could make me laugh no matter what, who could make the rain disappear. Who would hold me close, kiss my cheeks, and promise me that nothing bad was ever going to happen.

As soon as I landed, Annaliese and Hilary were there, tissues and chocolate in hand.

"Come on, sweet thing, let's get you home," Annie said, hugging my shoulders.

I nodded dumbly, and stumbled all the way to the car.

All the way back to the dorms was just tears. Hilary was crying with me. I have no idea why, but she just was.

What kind of world was I supposed to live in if Billy wasn't in it?

The Arizona sky didn't seem as blue, the desert not as bright. It seemed as if today, the world have stopped and mourned the passing of Billy. A little bit of the magic that I knew this world to possess seemed to have gone with him.

~/*\~

For a week after that, all I did was mourn. Not cry, but laugh a little too, over all the crazy things I remember Charlie telling me that he and Billy got up to, remembering all the stories that he told me, all the wise-cracks and knowing looks that he gave me – and Jake – over that summer.

~/*\~

It was a few weeks after that until I could finally speak to Matt. He looked dutifully crushed, but I'd seen it magnified multiple times over, so I didn't feel as guilty.

I still wasn't comfortable with it though.

He would stare at me mournfully at times.

One time I snapped at him.

"What? What do you want?" I demanded.

He looked at me, surprised. I never yelled.

He sighed. "Never mind."

"No, I'm minding. What the hell do you want? I was never yours! You have no right to look at me the way you do!"

"Fine, you wanna know what? I was falling for you! I was willing to wait for you to get yourself back together. Heck, I actually liked you! Why did you lead me on? Huh? Why did you if you had no intention of continuing it?"

"I didn't mean to! I was lonely!"

"And now you're not?"

"There's someone else!"

He stared at me for a full three seconds before taking my face and kissing me fiercely.

We finally broke for air, both our hearts racing.

"Nothing?"

I shook my head.

"Then tell me this, at least. What does he have that I don't?

I was crying when I replied "My heart."

He nodded, looking hurt but walked away nonetheless.

He still took me to parties, and still let me crash on his couch whenever I was too wasted to do anything but drool.

And he introduced me (finally) to his roommate Lance.

**He is sensible **

**And so incredible**

**And all my single friend are jealous**

"So, Bella, who's tall dark and handsome?" Annaliese asked, checking out my eye candy who had asked me out.

"Lance." I reply. And he was – tall about 6"1, dark hair and so handsome he could have been a vampire.

"So where you going?"

"Out," I told her, as I grabbed my bag.

"Partying?"

"No," he says, smiling, making Annie drool. "We're going for dinner than a movie."

"Traditionalist?" Annie whispered in my ear.

"Sensible," I whispered back.

She shook her head. "Incredible. Rhys leaves, Hilary gets back with Alex, and you get Mr awesome."

I winked at her. "Jealous much?"

**He says everything**

**I need to hear**

**And it's like I **

**Couldn't ask for anything better**

"Come on Bella, we have to leave now if we want to catch the movie."

"What movie?"

"_Vampires Suck_, I think." He answered, before helping me down the stairs. I know – I'm not invalid but I might as well be.

I smile up at him. "You know, you're exactly what I need right now," I tell him.

He smiles back. "That's good?"

"Couldn't ask for better."

**He opens up my doors**

**And I get into his car**

**And he says**

"**You look beautiful tonight"**

**And I feel perfectly fine**

"My lady," he says, shooting me a killer grin as he opens my door.

It's a Silver Audi Coupe. Standard issue. I picked up a bit from Jacob.

Lance breaks my reverie though.

"You look beautiful tonight," he says, smiling at my simple but stylish outfit. That Alice just _had_ to give me.

And I'm fine.

I feel fine.

Perfectly fine.

Nothing could go wrong.

**But I miss**

**Screaming and fighting and kissin' in the rain**

**It's 2AM and I'm cursing your name**

**So in love that you act insane**

**And that's the way I loved you**

**Breaking down and coming undone**

**It's a roller coaster kinda rush**

**And I never I could feel that much**

**And that's the way I loved you**

But I didn't feel the spark when we brushed hands. This wasn't the first time we'd gone out. But we never kissed. I could hardly see us fighting and screaming at each other - he was far too agreeable.

But I missed that. I missed the screaming and fighting that Jake and I had done on our first 'real' date. I missed the kissing in the pouring, freezing rain that ended it.

I missed me cursing Jake at 2 in the morning because that's when he got me in, blushing, bruised lips, and Charlie looking like he could murder Jake.

**He respects my space**

**And never makes me wait**

**And he does exactly what**

**He says he will**

"A different boy?" Hilary asks as she stirred the coffee. "What happened to Lance?"

"Difference of opinions," I tell her. And it was truth. His opinion of me was too high, my opinion was of someone completely different.

"Well, what about this boy? What's his name? You two serious yet?"

"I met him when I was visiting mum. His name's Kyle."

"And?"

"And he's the perfect gentleman. He respects my space – understands that studies come first."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a dream boat. How about the dates?"

"Never makes me wait. Always takes me exactly where he says he does. No surprises."

**He's close to my mother**

**Talks business with my father**

**He's charming and endearing**

**And I'm comfortable**

"He sounds a bit… boring."

"He's very close to my mother. They're in like, a book group together or something. He's in the fish business, so naturally Charlie loves him even though they've never met. They can talk fish for hours. It's slightly…scary."

"Sounds wonderful. But?"

"But what? He's charming and funny and flirty. And he means what he says."

"Endearing."

"I'm comfortable with him"

"But do you even want comfortable?"

I didn't have an answer to that, so I just sipped my coffee.

**But I miss**

**Screaming and fighting and kissin' in the rain**

**It's 2AM and I'm cursing your name**

**So in love that you act insane**

**And that's the way I loved you**

**Breaking down and coming undone**

**It's a roller coaster kinda rush**

**And I never I could feel that much**

**And that's the way I loved you**

That truth was, I didn't want comfortable at all. I missed insane.

I missed Jake doing crazy insane things while I was cursing him. Like jumping in and out of my window, until we'd end up kissing for hours, just talking and laughing.

I missed _feeling._

I missed me coming apart or breaking down in the middle of the kitchen, and Jake just holding me, understanding that I wasn't perfect, never wanting me to be perfect. Just wanting me to get back to being me.

I missed him so much.

**He can't see the smile I'm faking**

**Cos my hearts not breaking**

**Cos I'm not feeling anything**

**At all**

Kyle smiled at me, and I faked a smile back. Not that'd he'd notice.

We've been dating for months, and he still doesn't know my faking smile.

And, I don't care that I only use my 'fake' smile on him. My heart isn't going to break again, not over Kyle, not over a boy I don't really feel anything at all for.

"I gotta go now. I have a test in the morning," I told him. He kissed my cheek and I was off.

**And you were wild and crazy**

**Just so frustrating**

**Intoxicating**

**Complicated**

**God I will my sole mistake**

**And I **

I was crying without having any real reason, tears streaming down my cheeks.

I was missing the wild and crazy relationship I had with him. With Jake.

The frustrating relationship where he annoyed me so much I could punch him out and not feel guilty.

The intoxicating relationship, where we first had sex and couldn't keep our hands off each other forever afterwards.

And it was a complicated relationship. Even when Edward was back and I went to Jake when he was hunting, we still almost kissed, the hugs lasted longer than they should have, the hands lingered, his heat made me blush, everything about him brought back memories of that perfect summer.

God, my sole mistake was letting him go. Was leaving with someone I didn't really love.

**I miss**

**Screaming and fighting and kissin' in the rain**

**It's 2AM and I'm cursing your name**

**So in love that you act insane**

**And that's the way I loved you**

**Breaking down and coming undone**

**It's a roller coaster kinda rush**

**And I never I could feel that much**

**And that's the way I loved you**

I missed the rollercoaster rush that was our relationship. From being so completely angry at him, to the rush of relief and desire whenever he came back from a vampire fight.

I had never felt that with Edward. Never felt that with anyone. Not that deeply. Not that much.

Just him.

**And that's the way I loved you**

And it was still hurting, all of these things.

I rushed into the room, ignoring the looks of worry from the girls.

I had pain to deal with.

**Oh, oh , oh**

I braced myself, put on a smile and walked out. The phone rang just as I walked past.

"Hello?"

Silence. Another 'silent' phone call.

Just then, Hilary threw Elliot across the room. And I yelled at her.

I heard a noise at the other end.

"I'm sorry, hi? Anyone there?"

More silence.

**And that's the way I loved you**

Then,

"Bells," I gasped at the voice, but all I heard on the other end was the dial tone.

I was frozen.

How had he known? How had he known that I needed to hear his voice?

God, I missed him.

I missed the way I loved him.

I missed the fact that I couldn't love him anymore.

But that didn't surprise me.

That was the way I loved him.

Irrationally, crazily, frustratedly, passionately.

Irrevocably.

I loved him.

I love him.

"Bella? Bella you alright?"

Good ole Annie.

"Yeah, Annie, I'm fine."

"But?"

"I think I'm going to break up with Kyle," I whispered to her.

She nodded, understanding in her expression.

"Told you Annie! You owe me…25 bucks!" Hilary called across the room.

"You bet on me?" I shouted out indignantly. I didn't really mind though. I would have bet on me as well.

"Hey, I needed the money! Pay up, Southern Comfort!"

"I hate it when you call me that!"

"Precisely why I do. Now, my money?"

~/*\~

The first free Saturday we all had together, Annie, Hilary and I just lay on the grass in the middle of Campus, a bottle of Southern Comfort (Annie's, believe it or not) between us.

Annie was wearing her Levi jeans, telling us about her plans for her holiday that she was making Hilary and I delinquents about.

"I'm going to keep my heart open. I'm not going to look for a long-term relationship, just a week-long fling."

Hilary nodded. "Sounds good. We going to the beach?"

"Hey, me and you have plans, remember? Daytona Beach? Or Panama?"

"Where do you think I'm gonna have this fling?"

I laugh at their antics.

"Bella, what are your plans for our getaway?"

I shrugged and swigged the bottle, loving the fire as it crawled down the back of my throat.

"Well," Hilary began. "I'm going to try and save an animal while I'm there! Like in _The Last Song_, they saved turtles!"

"The Miley Cyrus one?" I choked out between laughs.

"Don't laugh. It was a sad movie!"

"Okay Super Girl, we won't laugh anymore. You obviously are gay for Miley Cyrus. That's fine with us." Annie laughed.

"Hey, she's hot!" Hilary said in protest, wiggling her eyebrows.

Me and Annie looked at each other and burst out laughing some more.

I honestly couldn't wait.

~/*\~

We didn't go. It actually rained, so we just ditched class and hung out in the city for ages.

"Hello?" Hilary greeted the phone chirpily. And loudly. I mean we were helping John – our across-the-hall-neighbour set up his TV. Well, Annie was helping. I was making a nuisance of myself.

"20 bucks!" I hollered to Annie. "Told ya she'd go evil Cheerleader!"

"Save the cheerleader, save the world!" Annie hollered back to me as she turned around and posed dramatically.

"Sure thing, just give me a minute," I hear Hilary tell the person.

"BELLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAA! PHOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNEE!" She bellows and I groan. Why did I have to be friends with the only girl in the whole of the city with a voice that could bring home the cows? From Australia?

"You didn't have to holler, I was only across the hall." I told her as I tried snatching the phone off her without any luck.

"Yeah, give me the gossip later. Someone tall dark and handsome is on the phone." She wiggled her eyebrows.

"How do you know he's tall dark and handsome?" I asked her, popping my hip and raising an eyebrow.

"Because. I'm psychotic."

"Don't you mean psychic?"

"That too. Here you are," She said, handing me the phone and skipping across the phone.

"Ohhhh ," She drawled.

"Oh God," I heard Annie mutter, making me laugh.

"Thanks. Hello, sorry about that. She's blonde."

"No need to apologize Bella. I'm sure we'd get on fine."

"QUIL?" I exclaimed. I was hallucinating. I must be hallucinating. Quil would not – never in a million years call me. Jake would whip his ass.

"I can hear you plenty fine. No need to shout." He chuckled.

I laughed. Trust Quil. "Sorry. I'm just surprised. Why are you calling so out of the blue?"

"Bella, I'm hurt. I need a reason to call you?"

"Well, seeing as you haven't called since…before college I'm guessing you have a reason." I loved how, even after so long and a whole lot of crap, Quil and I still had a teasing way of banter with each other.

"You cut me deep."

"Okay Quil, enough theatrics. What is it?" I needed gossip more than I needed anything else.

"It's about Jake," He began. Jake. Quil is calling about Jake.

"WHAT?" I screeched. He's dead. That would be the only reason why he'd call "He's not dead is he?" I tried not to hyperventilate. "He's alive? It wasn't a …visitor? Oh God Quil, if he's dead I'm coming up and kicking your sorry-"

"Bella, Bella, Bella. Calm down. Jake's fine. He's better now than when you saw him."

I sighed heavily. But then, "Thank God. Quil, what's happening? If he's not dead or dying…"

"That's why I'm calling. He's doing it again."

"What again?" I was confused. Good and proper. Quil was calling out of the blue. Jake wasn't dead but doing sort of behavioural tendency that he had while I must have been there.

"Living for you. Building his life. For you. Again."

I gasped slightly. Jake was living for me? Why? What hold could I possibly have over him? I mean, he didn't imprint on me, I left him for Edward – numerous times.

"So, I'm calling to ask, are you coming back? Ever? Because, as much as I love seeing Jake up and alive. I don't want him clinging onto a wish that will never come true."

"Quil, I can't answer that. Not yet." I felt tears well in my eyes. Quil was blunt as ever, but a little tact would be good here.

"Why the hell not? Bella, we all know that you don't plan a week in advance. You plan years. And I want to know, in three years time, will you be back. For Jake. I can't see him – hear him – being broke again." He was getting angry. That was getting me angry.

"So kick him while he's down now?"

"No. Just let him know so he doesn't wait around forever."

"And what if he imprints in those three years? Hmm? What will happen to me if I decide to come back? This 'building his life around you' crap works both ways." Shit, I wasn't supposed to say that much. It was truth, but still….

"Are you saying that you are?"

"I'm saying what if?" I needed security when it comes to Jake. I loved him – I loved everyone – blindly. I needed a little structure, a little security.

"Wanna make a pact? If you say that you are coming back, then I'll tell you if he imprints. Deal?"

My mouth hung open. 'Deal'? I was going to make a deal about my future with Quil? Fucking Quil?

"Ok." My traitorous mouth replied. It was truth though.

"So, are you coming back in three years?"

I had to think.

Think about what coming back would do to me, would do to Alice and Edward. Edward. I wouldn't have to see him again for a long time.

And so I whispered, just loud enough so he could hear: "Yes. I'll be there. Spring. Three years."

"See you then," He told me, and I could tell he was grinning.

"Quil?" I practically yelled.

"Yeah?"

"Don't tell anyone. I know you're still … hunting. We both don't know what super powers they may have. I don't want word getting around. Not to Jake. Not to the Cullen's." I pleaded with him. Jake cannot know about this. There was stuff that I had to tell him face-to-face. There were good-byes I had to make now.

"Are you still speaking with them?" Quil asked, with a tenderness in his voice I didn't know him to possess towards me, but I know who he was referring to. The Cullen's.

"Emmett – the big one – and Alice. Well, you know her. They come by every couple of months. Not Edward. I'm not going back to him." I told him, suppressing the urge to sigh.

"Bells, what happened?"

I breathed sharply as I felt a pain similar to being stabbed in my heart. "I'll tell you eventually. I have to tell Jake first." I told him tersely.

"But that's three years of waiting," He whined. Big baby

"Hardy damn ha." I mumbled.

"See you in three years," He told me as way of goodbye.

"Sure, sure."

"Bye Bells,"

"See you Quil."

I slumped down against the wall, and breathed back the tears.

Exactly fifteen seconds after I had calmed myself down the phone rang.

I knew exactly who it would be.

"Hello Alice," I greeted her.

"You're going to go to Forks, aren't you? After College, you're going back to the dog."

"My future disappeared that quickly, hey?" I attempted feebly to joke.

"Bella,"

"Yes, okay Alice?" I yelled. "Yes, I'm going back. Alice, he put me together, and for every small piece of me that _Edward_ broke, he replaced with a little piece of himself. Alice, I gave him my heart! Every tattered, scarred, broken piece of it is his."

"What about Edward?"

"What about the bastard? Alice, he nearly killed me! The only thing that interested him about me in the first place was the fact that he had to kill me! Jacob only wanted me to get better. If I didn't _sing_ for Edward, then none of this would have happened!"

"You wouldn't have had to go to the dog. You would have settled for a Mike Newton."

I knew she was right. But I was angry and sick and tired of being told who I had to love. "Alice I love him. If Carlisle wasn't…what he is, he never would have met Esme. Are you saying that he didn't deserve the chance? What about Jasper? Or Rosalie? Alice, you're being hypocritical."

"You just aren't seeing sense."

"Alice, I. Love. Him."

"You loved Edward as well."

"It takes trust to love someone."

"And you trust _him_?"

"Implicitly so. Alice, if you don't approve that's fine. But I love him. I'm going back to him."

"We can't see you once you do. You know that, right? We couldn't be sisters anymore."

I sighed. "Alice, honestly, I just trying to not break down right now. Keep the damn melodrama to yourself. If you like, we'll go shopping one last time before I leave. You can take me wherever you want. In fact, take me shopping for a week. We'll go to the fashion capitals of the world. Whatever it takes. But don't go guilt-tripping me."

"How about we go shopping for a weekend every couple of months? I take separation very hard you know," she said, giggling.

I wanted to put my hand through the phone and strangle her.

"Alice, so help me God,"

"It's alright, I get to help with the wedding. See you in two months!" She chirped and promptly hung up.

"Alice? Alice! Goddamn it! Alice!"

"Did she seriously just hang up on you?" Annie and Hilary asked in perfect synchronisation.

"Did you guys hear all of that?"

They both nodded. Complete synchronisation.

'Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn,"

"Bella, calm down sweetie. What was it all about? Can you talk about it?"

I shook my head. "There is stuff that you don't need to know, and stuff that isn't mine to tell. Any of you wanna go shopping with Alice instead of me? I hate shopping."

"Oh no, you set yourself up for that one. Good luck." They said – again with the synchronisation – before promptly leaving the room.

I grumbled and dialled the phone.

"Hello?"

"Emmett, get that crazy sister of yours under control before I have to strangle her with her own panty hose," I yelled before climbing into bed.

F

M

L

~/*\~

Alice took me to New York for our first 'shopping adventure' as she called it. Basically, I stood there and tried things on and held things while she decided what would work best with me.

That meant a very long stay in Victoria's Secret.

I tried reasoning with her on that – if I could keep the whole Vampire/Werewolf secret, then Victoria could keep hers.

She simply laughed, said Victoria had been the biggest blabber-mouth in the country and piled me up with frilly, lacy thongs.

FML

That occurred shortly before Christmas. For Christmas, Renee convinced me that she had everything under control, and Charlie convinced me that he was going to have it at Sue's with Leah and Seth, so I stayed on campus.

Of course, upon hearing this, Hilary and Annie just _had_ to drop all their plans and stay with me.

Quil kept on calling throughout all of this…mayhem, and became my little informant of home.

He told me about the setting up for Christmas events – which usually involved decking the person who was hanging up decorations *cough cough* Seth *cough*, trying to strangle Leah with Tinsel, attempting – and failing – to drown Sam in snow, and walking around with ridiculous looking caps with little bits of mistletoe taped to them – well, for the single brothers anyway.

I sent Quil a Christmas gift early, so no one would suspect. It was a model Chevrolet Comara – a.k.a Bumblebee.

He told me he loved it.

Christmas in Arizona is very different to Christmas everywhere else. Mainly, everyone gets around in Santa-themed costumes and tries to drink as much tequila, vodka cruisers and full strength beer in on sitting without spilling it or getting alcohol poisoning.

Unsurprisingly, Annie won. Southern girls hold their liquor. I didn't even bother entering. But back in our rooms, we played 'I Never' closely followed by 'Truth or Dare'. Let me tell you, the drunker girls get, the hornier they get. In the end, dares were 'Kiss Annie for thirty seconds – tongue and all' or 'go and try and get an erection from a guy without touching him'

I did both. And succeeded.

Hilary has photographic evidence of the kiss. Annie has .22 in her purse. Needless to say, all evidence was eventually destroyed.

Christmas morning I was pleasantly surprised.

Apart from a raging hangover, I had a gift from Forks. It was wrapped in simple brown paper.

_To Bells,_ the card said. _Love from Jake._

I almost couldn't open it. But I did, while the girls were debating the necessity of having a sun.

Inside the brown wrapping paper was a beautifully carved wooden statue of a wolf. He was at attention, ear's pricked, eager look in his eye.

Beneath it it said '_Waiting for you. Always'_ And I shed one tear.

There was also a small bag. Inside of it was a small necklace pendant. It was a wolf head, looking calm but with a dangerous look in it's eye. I immediately though _Sam's Jake_. There was a small note attached.

_A little protection where you need it most, Billy._

I grinned and cried at the same time. Trust Billy to get involved in a 'wolf themed' present even from the grave.

~/*\~

Before long, it was February. Time for another 'shopping adventure', but not before I sent Jake some Chocolates for Valentines.

This time, I convinced Alice to let Annie and Hilary come along. We went to Milan. Hilary fell in love with the city, and we had to drag her back to the airport, and Annie was convinced that Italian's were permanently horny.

"Just wait until we go to Paris!" Alice exclaimed.

I called Emmet while I was there. It reminded me of the time when he insisted that the Cullen family make Italian because my name was Bella.

According to him logic:

If your name is Italian you therefore _must_ be Italian and therefore _must_ love Italian food.

I laughed for so long until he finally hung up on me.

~/*\~

Spring Break. Annie and Hilary and I went to the beach for a week, like planned. They all stayed for an extra week while I done 'parent rounds' – starting with two days with Renee and baby Jack. He had grown so much and was talking and everything.

He called me 'Bub'. I thought it was very cute. I got lots of pictures.

I visited Forks. Unfortunately, the boys were doing 'a Tribal thing' Charlie explained, and so I ended up fishing with him as he explained how and when he was going to propose to Sue. They wouldn't get married until I was out of College.

He was going to move in with Sue once they were married (I secretly wondered if Sue knew about this) and I had the choice – did I want the house or could he sell it.

I told him to sell it. If (and it was 'if' for Charlie's sake) I moved back, I would get myself a smaller house.

My room smelled very strongly of Jake, but I didn't want to ask what that was all about.

I kept finding his shirts randomly throughout the house though.

And a pair of his boxers which I took with me.

If he had wanted them, he wouldn't have left them at Charlie's.

I wondered what he was doing with Charlie.

That thought led to bad, creepy thoughts and I immediately changed my mental image.

I found, surprisingly, that I missed the rain.

It poured torrentially when I was there, and I sat on the front porch, just listening to it and falling asleep.

Listening to rain had grown on me.

~/*\~

Sophomore Year was tougher then I imagined.

More classes, more homework, more assignments, less free time, less party time, less crazy time.

But somehow I managed to party every weekend.

With the help of Quil and Emily (via email) I found out about Emily's children, and about how Claire was 'going through a phase' as Quil put it gloomily.

I told him I'd visit him in the summer. He complained about that being too far away and I told him to harden up.

Living with a drama queen and a no-nonsense southerner does that to a person. Makes them a little less tolerant of some forms of behaviour.

Like whining.

I found I hated whining, even though I found myself doing it a lot.

This one time, Hilary actually hit me.

We both laughed so hard after it though that we didn't know what hit us.

~/*\~

Quil came up to visit once, during the one week of summer I stayed in Arizona.

He was under the 'visiting distant white family' excuse.

And, well, I was.

I took him to a party and had every girl drooling in seconds. Hilary was ready to pounce until I reminded her of her boyfriend – who was due back from exchange any moment.

Annie challenged him to a drinking game.

Everyone called it a tie, and I had some kudos points for having such awesome friends.

They three of them all sat up late and talked while I slept.

I woke up to Annie and Hilary still talking. Well, Quil talking. About Jake.

"This one time, Embry and I were all ready to go cliff-diving so we rock up to Jake's house, and what do we hear but-"

"QUIL!" I screamed. "SAY one more word and I'll NEUTER YOU!"

He gulped. It looked like I could actually do it.

"But that was the first sex story he told us," Hilary whined.

Annie slapped her up the back of the head.

"You idiot, now he's never gonna finish it."

"Your right he's not. Quil, get out of into the hall. We need to have words to each other." I told him, attempting a threatening tone.

He chuckled but complied.

"Girls, get some sleep. Believe me, if you want Quil to ever visit again…"

They were in the beds and sleeping before I'd even finished the sentence.

I smiled to myself and followed Quil out into the hall.

"What is it Bella? I mean, we've talked about pretty much everything…"

"How is he?" I asked him, leaning against the wall, staring at the floor.

He chuckled. "He's doing great, as I've told you. Hey, he's even gotten himself a house."

I look up at that. "He moved out of Billy's?"

"Yeah, Jared is moving – well moved – in with Kim."

I nod. "That's good."

He sighed and enveloped me with a hug.

"What is it really Bella."

"Quil I'm scared."

"Of what? Of Jake? Of Imprinting? Of Vampires?"

I shake my head. "Scared he won't love me."

"Honey, that's impossible. He's in love with you – always will be. You know how Charlie loved your mum so much that it's taken him, what, twenty odd year for him to move on?"

I nod.

"He's got it worse than that. Bella, you're all he's ever gonna see. He's so against imprinting that even if he did, it would be the equivalent of, I don't know, a trickle to a waterfall."

I sigh into his shirt. He smells a little like Jake. But nowhere as near as I'd like.

"Look Bella, I've gotta get going soon. And thanks, by the way."

"For what?"

"For hiding the ring while I was here. I really appreciate it."

"Quil, I didn't marry him."

He just stared at me then like I'd grown two heads and turned purple.

**QUILPOV**

That threw me right off.

"Quil?"

"Bella, why didn't you marry him?"

"Reasons. Quil, you won't tell him, will you?"

"Why the bloody hell not? Hell, I'm gonna throw a bonfire for you as soon as I get back!" I told her happily

"Quil! Because I didn't marry him, things happened. I'm not all me anymore, alright?"

"What do you mean? You're human, you're as pale as normal, same hair, same eyes. Same lack of height."

"Quil, look at my legs. Do you see any scars? Any bumps, lumps or bruises? How about my arms? Anything there either?"

I stared at her legs a little longer than necessary. "Nothing. Perfect."

_No wonder Jake loves her._

"Quil, you know how clumsy I am. I used to have scars and bruises. I don't anymore!"

"Why not? If it's stressing you so much, just tell me!"

"I can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because you're not him! God Quil, do you think I honestly don't _want_ to talk about it? Someone who knows everything? Who I don't have to give basic or ambiguous answers to because they _can't_ know? Because it isn't my secret to tell? God, what I would have done for someone! But I can't tell you, because then you'll tell Jake and then he'll kill Edward, and then he'll feel bad because I'd feel bad and then everything would be messed up!"

"Bella, breathe," I advised. I've never known Bella to go off her head like that.

**BPOV**

"Quil, I _need_ him to hear it all from me. He's the only one who understands! You've got it easy – you know who you're gonna love, who you're gonna end up with. Sam and Jared and Paul. Nothing will ever happen to you like this! Jake knows! Hell, I did it _to_ him. He understands what it's like!"

I broke down sobbing then.

He held me, and didn't say a word.

"Quil, I _need_ him." I told him.

"I know. He needs you as well. Believe you me, he needs you as well."

I sobbed a little more.

"Quil, he calls me sometimes. He usually hangs up, but sometimes he says my name. I know it's him."

Quil looked me in the eye then. "Bella, honey. He needs you more than you'll ever know. He's trying so hard to not hurt you even more."

"He sent me a Christmas present as well."

"What was it?"

"A wolf. And a necklace."

"Bella, he's trying to look after you. Look, Billy knew that you weren't with Eddie-poo before he left. Sue knew. Even Seth knew. Billy is trying to protect you, even from the grave. Just believe that Jake loves you. No matter silly things go around that silly head of yours, he will always love you. Three years, Bella. Well, two and a half. Then you can see him again. Can you hold on that long?"

I nodded, sort of.

He sighed and pulled out his wallet.

"Here. This is Jake and Matty just a few hours after he was born. Emily was crashing. Keep it, we all have extra copies hanging around."

I stared at it. He looked…happy. He looked his age. He didn't look so tired, and his hair was a little longer. He still seemed to radiate warmness and happiness wherever he was. Same russet skin, same almost-black eyes.

"Thank you Quil," I murmured.

He kissed my forehead.

"I gotta go Bells. See you later," And he was gone, leaving me with a photograph and memories of a summer of the perfect boy calling me 'Bells.'

After that summer, I promised myself I wouldn't cry. Not until I saw Jake again.

Annie saved me by going to Paris with Alice.

Hilary, in the meantime, convinced me to give blood.

Never again.

Once Annie came back, Hilary latched onto her – apparently she really was doing the whole 'Super Girl' thing for real.

It was slightly scary.

But she started playing her favourite songs in the park and donated 80% of her makings to some charity of another.

"Hilary, can we stop lugging around your moneys if you aren't going to share? I mean, I know you believe in all this 'Land rights for gay whales' green thing going on, but, seriously?" Alex grumbled one day as the three of us strolled through the park eating ice-cream while Alex – who volunteered – was carrying her violin case.

"Alex, if I've told you one I've told you a hundred time," she began.

Then, in perfect unison, the three of us girls repeated Hilary's mantra:

"Stand up for what you believe in, even if you stand alone."

Alex still grumbled all the way home.


	11. Cutting Strings

**Cutting Strings**

~/*\~

**Here's to the Nights that turned into Mornings**

**And the Friends that turned into Family**

~/*\~

**BPOV (still lol)**

Rhys called Annie one day.

It turns out he knocked up some girl. Accidentally while he was trying to get over Annie.

He was gonna do the right thing by her though, and marry her.

Annie understood, but cried for hours.

We sat up late and watched The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, Titanic, Love Come Softly series – all 8 of them – The Last Song, Dear John, Nights at Rodanthie, Message in a bottle, Romeo + Juliet, Tristan + Isolde, The complete works of Jane Austen, every single Arthurian legend movie ever made plus a few Robin Hood ones and stuffed our faces with chocolate, coke, milkshakes, bubblegum, and alcohol. Then, when we all were cried out, we all dressed up in our fanciest dress, put on slightly slutty make-up and laid out on the grass, listening to the crickets in the light summer breeze, watched the sunrise before dancing in the Quad's sprinkler system.

Girl time is the best time ever.

~/*\~

We all buckled down to pass our exams, and realised that partying every weekend wasn't going to work-out for the long haul. So every second weekend was party weekend, and we'd all get trashed and Annie usually got laid.

They both groaned when they got up Monday morning, but we all agreed it was worth it.

"After all," Annie told us all, "You're only as strong as the tables you dance on, the drinks you mix and the friends you roll with."

We all put on slack pants, ridiculous hats and big gangsta jewellery with our movie star sunglasses, generally being clichéd.

~/*\~

"Bella," Annie began, the weekend Alice took Hilary to Melbourne Australia for 'fashion week'. "What happened to you before here?"

"I told you, Edward and Jake."

"Where does Emmett, Alice and Quil fit into it? And who the hell is Jared, Sam and Paul?"

I looked over at her. "They're all ghosts form the past."

"Bella, I heard you when you were yelling at Quil in the summer. Why did Edward have to kill you? Are you involved in some sort of illegal operation? Is this school under observation? Is Hilary? Am I?"

I chuckled. "Nothing illegal. Do you honestly think I would do something like that? No, it all happened years ago. It's not important."

"Bella, it made you come into our lives. It's very important."

I looked over at her, a bleak look on my face. "It's not my story to tell."

"Bella, it's your life."

"There are secrets which I have no right telling anyone. Heck, I couldn't even tell Jake for years! And even then, I could only tell him because he became involved."

"Can you give me any answers? At all?"

I shake my head. "I can't. I wish I could. It would be so good to finally talk to someone, but the someone I need to talk to is miles away."

"Jake," she said dispassionately.

"He's my best friend."

"Why is he? You haven't talked to him in years!"

"Annie, he's been there. When I cry, when I get heartbroken, when I laugh. Through the rough times, when I get mad, when I'm happy, when I'm jealous and crazy. When I'm sad, when I'm down. When I feel pretty, when I feel ugly. He's been there through basically everything. That's why I call him my best friend. Nothing can take away from that."

She nodded. "I can get that. You must really love him. I mean, he must have really impacted on you."

I nod. "I like you wouldn't believe."

"I had a friend like that once. His name was Phil. He was about 6"1, blonde, farmer's tan. He was a farmer, actually. Well, a farm hand. We met the summer after high school. We did everything together – I mean, we even got matching tattoos," she pulled up her shirt and, just below her left breast was scrolled in fancy writing was XO.

"What's 'XO' stand for?"

"It was silly, really, but whenever we had to leave, he'd peck my lips, take my hand and draw XO on it, while he whispered 'Kiss and hug for every moment I'm not with you'. So, we both got XO."

"What happened?"

"We were each other's firsts, I mean, his truck always broke down, usually at night, and he could only get oldies country and western on the radio, so we'd just lay in the bed of his truck, listening to Johnny Cash and George Jones. Sometimes we'd dance, if we were near water we'd swim. We played truth and dare, and whenever anything went wrong, he'd be the first one I'd tell. I mean, this one time, I missed my period. I was so scared I just cried into his arms for hours. I didn't want to be that typical southern girl who got knocked up after school with the first guy who fucked her. I didn't want to be that stereotypical. It turns out that it wasn't anything – he bought me like 15 pregnancy tests, each of them negative. The day after all this I got my period and I felt, well, foolish. But he kissed my nose and drew XO on me, saying that it was better to be foolish than pregnant."

"What happened to him?"

"He applied me to go to Arizona. He knew I wasn't going to stay in that old town. He got the acceptance letter, and drove to see me. He gave it to me, and his high school ring, promised me that the day I got out he'd make an honest woman out of me, but until then, his school ring was all he could give me. My daddy, who didn't really approve of farm-hand for a future son-in-law chased him off."

"He shot him?"

"No, nothing that simple."

"What?"

"He was on his way home, that night, when a cattle truck ran a red light and smashed into him. He died on impact."

I gasped. How could she still love again after that?

"Funny thing was, after he died, he left everything to me. It turns out his daddy owned the biggest ranches in the state. He was rich. I was a millionaire. Heck, he even saved some sperm for me. It was like he knew it would happen."

"Are you gonna use it?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, you know when I cried for hours after I found out about Rhys? That was because that girl was who I could have been. I could have been married to Phil, had his children. I would have been happy."

She was crying silently, so I hugged her.

She had lost so much.

"What happened to you?" She asked. I could tell by the look on her face that she needed the truth – what I could tell her – to make her feel like she wasn't alone in tragic heart break.

I took a deep breath, sighed, and started.

"I was seventeen, had just moved to Forks to live with my dad, when I met him. Edward. The connection between us was magic, instantaneous, like lightning. The only reason he wanted to get to know me though, was because there was a compulsion, I suppose, to kill me. He had his secrets which I can't tell, but I fell in love. Head over heels, once-in-a-lifetime love. I reconnected with Jacob – we had been real close as kids – when Edward suddenly leaves. I mean, he left me in the woods. I was lost and crazy. I mean, I thought that he didn't want me or love me or need me anymore. I mean, we never had sex, but the feelings were there. He was very much old-fashioned. We were going to get married first. That was the only future thing we talked about. It took me months. I had grieved for him, for losing him. I had made my whole life, my future around him. So, in a way, I mourning the future me. I then got reckless, started doing crazy things because, when I did, I could hear him in my head telling me not to. I rode motorcycles, I jumped off a cliff for heaven's sakes!"

"You jumped off a cliff?"

"He was my drug. I was addicted."

"And Jake?"

"Jake pulled me out of the water, pulled me out of my depression. For every missing piece of me that Edward took with him when he left, Jake replaced with a piece of himself, and I ended up giving him some of my heart as well. He was like the sunshine. Always happy, smiling. But the chemistry between us was undeniable. He was always telling me that he loved me, and I refused to believe him, until one day in the middle of a summer storm, when I was raging my head off at him, he kisses me. After that, we couldn't be separated. We were each other's firsts. We couldn't keep our hands to each other. I'd jump his bones whenever we were alone. We were always kissing and hugging. Even before Edward left, we'd always been comfortable with touching each other, like hugging and holding hands. It was natural for us. We'd go driving in his old rabbit and he'd point to something and say 'I'm gonna make us one of those and put it on our porch' and he'd point to old couples holding hands and say things like 'that'll be us worrying about grandchildren'. Edward and I had never done that. We'd both assumed that we'd end up getting married forever. Jake and I made actual plans. Then, the first week of autumn, _they_ came back. All of them. Edward included."

"Oh no," Annie whispered.

It wasn't strictly true but I couldn't well say 'I had to go to Italy so he didn't kill himself'

I nodded. "Yeah. It was like nothing had happened. I fell for Edward again. It was so hard not to be dazzled by him. I dropped Jake like he was hot potato and ran straight back to Edward, without even asking for forgiveness. Jake changed after that. He wasn't all smiles and sunshine then. He was…harder, cockier. Like he knew the hold he had over me. Edward and Alice and Emmett all still loved me. Edward soon became over-protective, controlling, once he found out about Jake. He refused to let me see him, talk to him, anything. Jake didn't know about this – and the fact that I was grounded. He wouldn't answer any of my calls, until one day he rocks up with the motorcycles. My Dad absolutely hates them, and so I was grounded even more. Jake felt a little guilty about that."

"I should hope so." Annie muttered, getting a smile from me.

"Anyway, every weekend the Cullen's – that's Edward's family - went camping. He had convinced Alice to stay with me – to babysit me – but I refused and would run away – straight to Jake's house. And so, whenever they would go camping, I'd go to Jake's house. Jake was hurt about my sudden disinterest in him, but he understood. He tried to convince me so many times that Edward had changed – that I had changed. That there was nothing in our relationship but echoes. I was so stubborn that I refused to believe it. Edward was my first love. How could that have changed? But slowly, it became clear. We both wanted very different things, but we were both so stubborn that we stayed together. I had certain insecurities about our relationship. Like would he drop me again without warning, like I had done to Jake? But I was so convinced I was in love with Edward that we got engaged. I didn't realise I was in love with the old Edward, not the new one. I told him I didn't want the wedding in Forks. I couldn't do that to Jake. That was asking too much. You know what Jake said to me, just before we left? That very morning?"

"What?"

"'I'll keep fighting. As long as your heart is beating, I still have a chance'. We left then, in the rain and I was so depressed. It was worse than Edward leaving me. I knew what it felt like, leaving someone you loved with every fibre of your being. But I left anyway. When we got to Alaska, to visit some of his family, something…happened. He hurt me, a lot. And so I left him. Alice understood, and took me here."

"That's not the whole story Bella. We both know it." Annie, said, looking a little hurt.

"That's my part of the story. There are secrets in there which make the whole 'heartbreak thing' a lot clearer, the leaving thing and the hurt thing, but I can't tell you. I'm sorry, I know you've been so honest with me, and it hurts me so much that I can be totally honest with you, but know this, I don't lie to people. I push people away, when the pain gets really bad. I don't say anything about it, but I don't talk about it at all. I can only do it now because I've come to terms with my mistakes."

"You're going back, aren't you? Back to Jake?"

I nod. "I love him." I tell her simply.

She nodded back.

"And I can't stop thinking about him! I mean, you'd think I'd be able to go through a week, or a day or something! But I keep thinking about him, remembering all the things we'd done, the kinda of things that he would say if he was here. AM I going crazy? I mean, I can't get him off my mind!"

"Bella, did you ever think that if you can't get someone out of your head maybe, just maybe, they're supposed to be there?"

We sat in silence then, looking up at the ceiling. There are some silences that never have to be filled with girls.

~/*\~

"Bella, he's made his decision. He's going to Arizona to look for you. I suggest you get out of there now. Don't use the international airport – that's where he's going. If you're going, I suggest you drive."

And she hung up. I glared into the phone receiver before rolling over with a groan.

3:07 my alarm clock glared happily at me in an annoying red.

I groaned as I climbed out of bed, throwing shoes at my roommates.

"What the bloody hell do you want at this godforsaken time of the morning?" Hilary demanded, before rolling out onto the floor.

"Come on girls, road trip." I told them.

"We'll go in three hours," Annie grumbled, getting comfortable.

"Annie, its Edward." I tell her and she's out of bed and getting dressed like a woman possessed.

"Hilary, get out the fucking bed now. We're going to the beach."

"We're taking Oliver," I tell her and she suppresses a groan.

"Fine. Road trip."

~/*\~

"Seriously, Bella. You need a better car. A Mini isn't a suitable car for you. You need a another truck. Solid, reliable. Comfortable." Annie grumbled.

I chuckled from behind the wheel.

Annie was sitting in the back, with Hilary spread out over her.

"Are you sure the uncomfortableness isn't because you have a 90 pound girl on you?"

"90? Try 290," She grumbled.

I laughed again.

"Hey, Bella? Why do you have a stuffed dog in the back?"

I squeezed the wheel tighter. "It's not a dog. It's a wolf."

"Oh. Okay, why do you have a stuffed wolf in the back?"

"It reminds me of someone I used to know." I told her tightly.

"Okay then."

She dropped the subject after that and I turned up the radio.

_Three o'clock in the morning_

_And it looks like it's gonna be another sleepless night_

_I've been listening to your dreams and getting very low_

_Wonderin' what I can do_

_Maybe I'm being foolish, _

_Because I haven't heard you mention anybodies name at all_

_How I wish I could be sure it's me that turns you on_

_Each time you close your eyes_

_I heard it said that dreamers never lie_

_You've been talking in your sleep_

_Sleeping in your dreams_

_With some sweet lover_

_Holding on so tight_

_Lover her the way_

_You used to love me_

_Talking in your sleep_

_Loving on your mind_

I switched stations.

"Hey, what if I liked that song?" Annie shouted in protest.

"Get over it. I'm in the front, I get control over the radio." I told her.

That song reminded me too much of when Edward first came back. I dreamt, well remembered, all the times Jake and I had sex.

I don't know how I never said his name, but when Edward mentioned it, he looked like he should be blushing.

"_You had another dream,"_

"_Hmm?"_

"_One of _those_ dreams,"_

"_Oh," I blushed. "Did I say who I dreaming of?"_

"_Nope."_

"_Then don't worry. It was probably you,"_

I came back from my memories by Annie climbing into the front next to me.

"Come on, go back. I bet the song's finished now." She told me.

"Fine. Since when do you like 70's country?"

"Since I'm from Alabama."

_There are times when a woman has to say what's on her mind_

_Even though she knows how much it's gonna hurt_

_Before I say another word let me tell you_

_Hold you, while I say these words as gently as I can_

_There's been another man I've needed and I've lost_

_But that doesn't mean I love you less_

_And he knows he won't posses me_

_And he knows he never will_

_There's just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill_

_Torn between two lovers_

_Feeling like a fool_

_Loving both of you is breaking all the rules_

_Torn between two lovers_

_Feeling like a fool_

_Loving you both is breaking all the rules_

I once again changed station.

"Do you honestly _not_ like country music form the seventies?"

"Not really, no."

"Fine. Pick a good station at least."

I fiddled with the dials for a second, catching lines of songs,

_Here you come again _

_Just when I started to get myself together_

_You waltz right in the door_

_Just like you done before_

_And wrap my heart around your little finger._

"Definitely not that song," I whisper.

_If you love me let me know_

_If you don't then let me go_

_I can take another minute or a day without you in it_

_If you love me let it be_

_If you don't, then set me free_

_Take the chains away that keep me from loving you_

"No, Annie,"

"But that's Oliver Newton-John!"

"Who?"

"Sandy from Grease?"

"Oh. Her."

"Yeah, her."

"Here, try this song,"

_Don't know when I been so blue_

_Don't know what's come over you_

_You found someone_

_And don't it make my brown eyes blue_

I shake my head.

"Fine,"

_I'd like to take away the suspicion_

_That I know holds your world at times_

_By giving you some faith to hold onto baby_

_Whenever your hand is not in mine_

_Happy Birthday Darling_

_I've no presents, no fancy cake_

_But I hope I make you happy_

_With everything I take_

"That's a random song." I tell her.

"Fine, put it onto that horrible pop crap."

I smile at her and put it over.

Onto Taylor Swift.

_Do you remember we were sitting there by the water_

_You put your arm around me for the first time_

_You made a rebel of a careless mans careful daughter_

_You are the best thing_

_That's ever been mine_

"Not this song,"

"What you prefer?"

She thought for a moment, enough time to get the song to the next chorus.

_He said,_

_Do you remember we were sitting there by the water?_

_And every time I look at you it's like the first time_

_I fell in love with a careless mans careful daughter_

_She is the best thing that's ever been mine._

"Anything! Not this superficial shit!"

"Carrie Underwood?"

"Fine!"

_You better take it from me_

_That boy is like a disease_

_You're running you're trying,_

_You're trying and hiding and wondering why _

_You can't get free_

_He's like a curse he's like drug_

_You get addicted to his love_

_And you wanna get out but he's holding you down_

_Cause you can't live without one more touch_

The popped-up country beat soon filled the cab before finally dwindling to a stop.

"Happy? We sat through a song."

"Yeah, but it pop."

"Carrie Underwood is country!"

_Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene_

"Now this is country," Annie said proudly and turned it up.

I grumbled and focused back on the road.

It was a long time to the coast.

~/*\~

The sun is a girl's best friend. I've come to realise that. No matter where you go – even Forks – there will always be the sun. It might be hiding, but we all have bad days.

"Bella! You're going brown!" Annie exclaimed one day while sunbaking. Well, they were sun baking. I was just baking.

"Glory hallelujah, good God almighty," Hilary exclaimed. "You actually have a tan line!"

"Not really," I told them. I was still pale. The 'tan line' they were referring too was the one where my watch went.

"Bella, you might not see it, but you are actually tanning."

"With all this money I'm spending on tanning oil, I'd better be," I grumbled, before I was dragged to get ice-cream. Old English toffee and butterscotch bits it was.

~/*\~

"Hello?"

"Heya Bellsy Baby," Quil cooed into the phone with his 'seducing' voice.

I sighed and chuckled. "Hi Quil,"

"Play along," he hissed.

I sighed again. "Quil? Is that you? O M G, I haven't heard from you is like, forever!"

"Bella, I said play along, not go all crazy blonde on me. If I wanted a crazy blonde I would have called Hilary. How is our resident Barbie going?"

"Hilary, Quil wants to know are you still sane," I told her.

"Quily babe! Hows it hanging? What up? What's down? Who's cruising? How's Claire? Have you got my guitar tattooed yet? We have so much to talk about – hey, Bella! Give that back! I wasn't finished!"

"That answer your question?" I asked him after wrangling the phone off her.

"Still blonde I see. Hmm. Have you prank-died her hair yet?"

"The date is set. I'll send you before and after photos."

"Oh Goodie! I can't wait!"

"How is Claire though? She still in a phase?"

"It's hell, Bella. She squirms whenever I hug her, and complains to Emily or her mum after 'boy germs'. It's horrible!"

"Just wait until she gets her period. You're gonna get yelled at like you killed her dad, then cried on because she thinks she's being too mean to you, then she'll be all happy, then you'll say something and she thinks you said something offensive and so the cycle begins again."

"I hate women," he grumbled.

I laughed at him then. "We only get worse as we get older."

"You're telling me. I tell you, my mum was so cranky this morning…"

"I know, I know. How long are you grounded for now?"

"No more groundings! Mum's going on a cruise. It's gonna sa-weet! I can't wait until I move out."

"Where are you gonna go? Who would honestly take you in?" I chuckle.

"Laugh all you like. Me and Embry are gonna set us up a bachelor pad. That is until he imprints. Then I'll be kicked out again, but hey, I can always stay at your house for a bit."

"Yeah Quil, the couch is always open. Look I'm beat. We just got back from road trip. There was an Edward scare. I'll call you more tomorrow."

"Will do. Hey if anything's missing, just tell me where the hell he is. I'll go mash him up a bit for you, alright?"

"Sure Quil. Good Night."

"Nighty night Bellsy babe."

I grinned. Trust Quil to give me a flirty nickname.

~/*\~

That week was hell. I was in sun-mourning, and it was September. Official cry month.

It would be exactly two years since Billy passed in about a week. In two more, it would be two years since I saw Jake.

Abso-fucking-lutly Hell on a stick.

At to top it all off, I was turning nocturnal.

9 in the morning was when the need for sleep took me. So, to equate for this, I took some night classes.

About five days before Billy's commemorative drinking-binge-and-cry-fest, I got the oddest phone call.

Naturally it was when Hilary was studying for her music test. She was looking at genre's, so we'd have random shit on all the time. This time it was alternative. She insisted that Avril Lavigne was alternative, to which Annie replied 'Alternative to good!' and we switched to Paramore.

"Hello?" I said, well, screamed into the photo.

"Bella?" A longingly familiar voice asked.

"Jake," I breathed.

"I love you," he whispered.

And then dial tone.

I started to hyperventilate then.

"Hilary! Cut that crap out! Bella's gone into shock! Go and get that blanket off Matt. Run!" Annie instructed.

"Bella, you're fine. Breathe with me. In. Out. In. Out."

I followed her breathing pattern. In. Out. In. Out.

"Matt's room is locked!" Hilary screeched.

"Under the sunflower mat!" Annie hollered back.

In. Out. In. Out.

"Bella, what, happened?" Annie asked while Hilary was gone.

"Jake," I breathed.

"Okay. Jake. I'm with you."

"He told me, Oh, Annie, he said," and I burst out crying.

Annie slapped me then. Hard.

"Get a hold of yourself Bella. What. Did. He. Say."

"I love you," I breathed, well, hiccuped. I've never been slapped up the head before.

"Bella, you listen to me. Nothing bad is happening. I'm Here. You're here. Jake is safe. You are fine. Say it with me. I am Fine. I am Fine."

"I am fine. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine."

She slapped the other cheek. "Bella, stop freaking out. I mean it. I will slap you harder. Now. I. Am Fine."

"I am fine."

"I. Am. Fine."

"I am fine."

"Are you fine?"

"I'm fine."

"You're going to be alright."

"I'm going to be alright."

_**(Many hours later)**_

Hilary was asleep in the blanket she had brought for me. Annie was drifting off, but I was on high alert. What if he called back?

"Bella, sleep."

"I can't. He could call, then I'll do it all over again."

"Bella, do I have to do the breathing thing again?"

"No."

"Bella, cut out this crap. There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy."

"Annie, I know I'm crying a lot but I broke his heart."

"And he's breaking yours! One day at a time, one phone call away, he will break you. I don't know what Edward did to you, but it couldn't have been as bad as this."

"When Edward left me, the first time, I was a Zombie. I was a shell. I sat in my room, I went to school, I came home, I had nightmares, I woke up and repeated the process. I didn't eat. I hardly slept. I didn't know what I had done wrong. Annie, this isn't the first time I've been through this. The only reason I'm not like was is because I at least know that he didn't leave me."

"Bella, he's going to break you."

"Annie, he's the only thing keeping me together! He put me together. This person you see before you? I'm this well again because of _him_. I would be dead now, if it weren't for him. I jumped off a cliff, I thought about killing myself daily. I've been to dark places. This is like swimming in the sun in comparison."

"Bella, you're trying too hard to be that same person that he made you."

"I like that person! I was a good person!"

"Each experience you have shapes you as a person. Bella, you aren't stone. You're going to have to change. As hard as it is to accept, you aren't who you were when you arrived. You've opened up, you've started healing. No one is going to fix you up. Not now. Bella, you aren't a child, you aren't a teenager. You're a strong woman. Live like it. Roll with the punches, grow stronger."

I mumble under my breath.

"What was that?"

"What if I change so much that he doesn't love me?"

"Then he doesn't deserve you. Babe, you're the only one who can make you feel unloved, unwanted. You're the only person who can make you cry. You, onions and Nicholas Sparks. Not Jake. Not Edward. Not Matt or Lance or Ben. You. This is _your_ life. Live it. Even if that means cutting strings to things that mean a lot to you. Bella, I had to cut out my home, my love, my family because of what happened. You don't have to, but it might be healthy if stop trying to figure out who you're hurting and just live. You are going to hurt people. Hurting is a natural part of life. It allows you to heal, to grow. You are going to have to accept this."

"But I can't!"

"Then decide who you're going to hurt less and cut them out! Because if you keep Alice and Emmett around, as well as Quil, someone is going to get burned. I know you don't like to think about it, but sometimes your uncanny desire to not hurt people hurts them more. Cut out the Cullen's or cut out Quil. Do it now, before you put yourself into an even bigger mess in two springs time when you Graduate."

I nod.

"No more crying."

I nod again.

"And tomorrow, well, today, you are going to call someone and tell them to stop calling, to stop visiting. If it's Alice then I will get on that phone and yell at her if I have to. Now, bed."

I nod once more and fall asleep where I am, dreaming of Jake and Quil and Embry and Edward and Alice and Emmett and Esme and Emily.

I woke up screaming.

~/*\~

"Bella, Call. Now."

"I can't."

"Oh yes you can. Dial." Annie ordered.

I took a step back.

Right into Hilary.

"Forward girl."

"Who are you cutting?"

I sigh. I knew this was coming, but as soon as I decided, Alice would see.

"The Cullen's," I whispered.

Right on que the phone rang.

I grabbed it.

"Yes Alice."

"How could you? How could you do this to us? I mean, when you said it was it earlier, you weren't set in stone. But this? Bella, you've disappeared! I mean literally. Gone. Poof! I can't see you anymore! At all!"

"Alice, I'm choosing them."

"Don't. Please."

"I have to. I love him. Good bye, Alice."

"Wait! Let us say good bye to you at least. IN person?"

"Where are you?"

"Russia."

"Send me a ticket. I'll see you at the airport, say good bye then I'm coming back. This is good bye, Alice."

She sighed and dry-sobbed.

"Good bye."

~/*\~

Halloween.

Annie let me be. Let me wallow in my grief.

I really didn't pay attention to the days now. I'd said goodbye to the Cullen's for good. Carlisle has a plan ready, and Alice can see that it will work.

That's the only decision regarding me she can see.

~/*\~

Christmas. Again.

I entered the drinking games this year.

I can hold my own. I almost won, until Annie got in on it and then I decided that it was time to call Quil.

He was also drunk off his face at his place, in the dark, because Claire still isn't talking to him.

Poor Quil.

I, once again got a present off Jake. It was a wolf to match last year's wolf.

Only one more Christmas to go.

~/*\~

January came I made plans for this year. Summer I'd be at Renee's for a week. The first week. Then I'd be at Charlie's. September, I was taking a week off to visit Billy.

No Drinking.

No Partying.

I was going to do good this year, whether it killed me – figuratively, socially, or legitimately – or not.

After this weekend.

~/*\~

Studying was a rush.

Annie was almost in tears when she found out about her test which she had rocked up for drunk. She got better marks than she had when she was sober.

Hilary was basically living with Alex.

We were expecting a proposal by the end of the year, if not sooner.

We were also expecting to be bridesmaids.

I did have time in February to send chocolates to Jake.

Other than that, it was study, study, study.

"I can't take it anymore!" Hilary screamed.

"What? Studying? Heat?"

"Him not asking me!"

"Who's not asking you what?" Annie asked, well, yawned.

"Alex not asking me to marry him! Well, be engaged! I mean, I love him. He loves me. We're almost out of college. I'm guaranteed a job, so is he. What is he waiting for?"

"The ring?" Annie suggested.

"The right moment," I put in.

"A moment when we aren't here to butt in." Annie agreed.

"Oh! That gives me an idea! Hilary, where is Alex's favourite place in the world?"

She shrugged. "His home town in Philadelphia."

"Perfect. Hilary, here is your late Christmas present!" I tell her, handing her an envelope.

"What is it?"

"Give it to Alex. Go on, scat!"

She grabbed nodded and ran out of the room.

"Annie, here's yours."

Another envelope? What's in it?"

"Two tickets. One to your home town. One to see Rhys. It's for the summer, so no school conflict. You have some strings to tie up, just as much as I do. Look into that IVF thing. Have a good holiday."

I smile when she screams and hugs me.

"That you soooo much!"

~/*\~

Summer.

With Renee, summer is all about the beach and Jack and shopping for white bikinis that I was never going to wear.

Summer at Forks was, somehow, close to that.

Forks was experiencing its first heat wave in…forever.

I was tempted to go to the beach, but chances were Jake would be there.

I called Quil, letting him know I was here. He let Emily know.

I spent the first few days just reading in the sunshine.

Then sitting in a tree during a sun shower. The rain was warm.

I found my old Bike that Jake must have left here. I took out for a quick ride. It felt exhilarating. No Edward Voices, but memories of Jake.

Charlie took some time off work to catch up. Not much to talk about. I never told him about my many breakdowns.

He told me that I'd changed, for the better. I seemed 'stronger, more assured.'

He'd changed as well. He was more asserted. Sue was doing wonders with him.

When I asked how that was going, he said he was still working on it.

When Quil came to visit, he hugged me for a full five minutes.

"Bellsy babe, how's life? How's blondie? And Annie? Man, you look better than the last time I saw you. What did Annie do to you?"

"Slapped some sense into me. Literally. She actually slapped me. Twice."

"Do I have to become a woman-basher now to get revenge?"

"No Quil. It's fine. I needed it. I actually cast off the Cullen's. No more run ins from them. They're not going to be coming back for at least a hundred and fifty years, if ever. So long as Edward is still single, he has the potential of repeating what he did to me. They'd like to avoid that."

"Does he know you're here? That you're coming back?"

"No. I don't want to him to find out either. I know it's inevitable, but still."

"So, Bellsy, when you gonna tell me what happened?"

"Spring. 6 months. You can wait that long."

He grumbled.

"Come on now, you big baby. How about I make you something? I feeling like chocolate and caramel myself."

"I'm always up for sugar."

"Emily coming for a visit?"

"She's busy getting back into 'a normal hormone routine'. She didn't want to scare you off."

"How are her kids?"

"Matty and Ari? I swear they haven't touched a crib since they were born."

"Sam and Leah finally bonding?"

"Over his kids, yeah. Who'd have thought?"

"Not me."

"When are you coming back?"

"September."

'You're birthday?"

"Billy's."

"I see. You staying for long?"

"Only a few days. You can come see me, but basically I'll just be gossip-hunting."

"Jake's good, by the way."

"That's good to know."

"He's counting down the months, in his head, sub-conscientiously. We all know when you're supposed to come back."

"How have you kept us a secret?"

"By thinking about Claire a lot. They tend to stay out of my head with my 'strange longing for children under ten'."

"How old is Claire?"

"6 and a three-quarters. She'll be almost 7 and a half when you come back."

"The new wolves?"

"Colin and Brady are fine. They don't really remember you though."

"They never met me."

"They're hot for you though. In Jake's mind, they see you the way he does and they're hot for you. Jake's forever chasing them because of it."

I chuckled. It sounded like him.

"When do you leave?"

"Beginning of August. I gotta see my mum for a bit."

"That's not long here."

"Without school or friends I can actually see, there's not much to do but fish and play computers. Watch TV maybe."

"I'll watch Ellen if you make popcorn," he offered.

I laughed. "Okay. Then we'll watch Oprah and the 'The View'."

"Deal. Lots of popcorn."

I was asleep on Quil when dad came back. There was popcorn all around the flat screen, and Quil was asleep on top of my head.

I heard dad pull out his camera and take a picture before kicking Quil out.

"Come back when she's awake and you're awake. This isn't a sleep-over house," he told Quil and Quil grabbed his shoes and grinned at me before running off.

"Bella, you know this is perfect weather for the beach. Why don't you go down?"

"I just came from Jacksonville dad. I'm a bit beached-out. "

"Okay. If you're sure."

"Yeah. I've got assignments to do anyway."

~/*\~

Hilary came back engaged. She was ecstatic and immediately asked Annie and I to be bridesmaids. They were getting married the second summer out of college. Enough time to get settled into their jobs and their life together.

Annie came back calmer, with a definite plan to get impregnated a few years out of college.

I stayed packed. I would be going again in a few weeks.

~/*\~

The September trip ended up being only a few days long. I had enough time to properly talk to Billy, give him some flowers.

Say I was sorry and that I was trying.

That I'd stop drinking once I was out of college.

Normal, father-daughter stuff.

~/*\~

I impatiently began counting the day until graduation. I had finished my final exams ages ago.

_October_

_November_

_December_

_January_

_February_

"Jeez, Bella, anyone would think you're getting married or something!" Annie exclaimed.

"I just can't wait to see him!"

"Calm down," Hilary advised. I gave her a shocked look.

"What?"

"Did you honestly just say 'calm down'? You, Hilary, Queen of Caffeine."

"What?"

"Nothing, just, can I film that?"

"Hardy damn ha," she grumbled.

"That's my line!" I tell her.

"Whatever."

She promptly left.

"Man, getting engaged sure calmed her down!" I exclaimed.

"Bella, we have to talk, before graduation. It's about Jake."

"What about him?"

"I've heard some things. About him. Everyone seems to know who he is. I'm just worried that he's made himself a certain reputation while you've been worrying.

I sighed and looked at her. "I know a lot of people who know who he is, but I also know that there are not very many people who got to see that side of him that I did. And that, well, I'll never forget him. Never. I've learned so about life and emotion with him that I'll never want to change that. Even if has..."

"Bella, we've been through the whole change thing. It has to happen."

"I know.'Your heart needs to go through a few bumps in the road in order to make it through.' And besides, no matter what he's done or not done, he's had the biggest impact on me these past few years. And I know no matter how many months or years go by, my stomach will always do that little flip every time I see his face."

I finished with a smile.

"Oh, Bella, you've grown up."

"I know. Now, how long until graduation?"

"Two days."

"You got the horrible gown?"

"You got the horrible caps?"

"Check and check. Relatives?"

"Invited. Yours?"

"On their way as we speak."

"Quil's coming?"

"He wouldn't miss it for the world. Drinking is always best on the last day of college."

~/*\~

The Ceremony went off without a hitch. Quil was clapping loudly and hooting and generally drawing attention to himself.

"Bella, what is it with you and good-looking guys? I swear, each one just gets better looking." Hilary sighed into my ear.

"Alex heard that," Alex whispered into hers.

"You're just as gorgeous," She told him, kissing his cheek.

"Come on wifey, I got a drinking game to finally beat Annie at."

That night, we all challenged Annie to a drinking game. I outdrunk everyone – Quil included and so it was just me and Annie.

"No excuses this time Bella," Annie slurred.

"Not expecting any," I slurred back.

One tequila.

Two tequila.

Three tequila.

FLOOR!

"Bella! You won!" Hilary screeched.

"Didn't think you had it in you, Swan," Quil cooed.

"I'm on the floor," I protested.

"Annie's out cold."

"Oh," I said, and promptly followed her lead.

The next day, we all hugged and kissed and cried and said good bye as we all went our ways.

Annie was back home.

Hilary off to New York with Alex.

I was headed for Forks.

I was going home.


	12. Then and Now

**Then and Now**

~/*\~

**Looking back on then, and now thinking about what I could have done better, is killing me more than you leaving me.**

~/*\~

**JPOV**

_April…_

Bella left a little while ago. I had to pick the rest of my laundry – because I officially moved into my house – and the scent of her knocked me senseless. I managed to convince Charlie that I would stay the night with him one last time – for old-time's sake – but really it was to revel in her scent.

The guys forbade me from phasing until I had calmed down.

_May…_

Okay, so I can phase again. I'm under control. We're planning a house-warming thing. Or at least that's what Emily called it. The guys called it 'breaking it in' meaning they'll all get pissed of their faces on Res Moonshine.

Paul's Res Moonshine.

The kind that'll knock you out if you're not a werewolf garmented within minutes.

Emily is cooking anyway. She's about ready to pop – she's due in a exactly 8 days. So she insisted to give us one big cook-up until she officially 'became a mum'.

We're all going to have to learn to cook for ourselves. Oh what fun.

_June…_

Okay, so there was no alcohol at the house breaking.

Emily's water did break though. So the house breaking was put on hold.

Leah and I went to hospital with them.

As soon as Emily was 'recovered' after about 23 hours of labour – making every male glad that we don't give birth – Leah and I were the first ones in.

The look of wonderment that crossed Leah's face when she saw that baby's face…

It was like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time. Like a holy man being enlightened.

Emily cried then. Her little boy was destined for Leah.

Sam and Emily both agreed on Matthew Levi for a name.

In a few months, they were going to start trying for a girl.

Oh God Lord, the images in my mind…

_July…_

Middle of Summer. Leah has softened out so much that anyone would think that all her bitchiness was all a bad dream that everyone happened to be having at the same time.

The house breaking did eventually happen. It was heaps good too.

So much food….

_August…_

Bonfire season is officially open!

So far we've had…8? I think.

I tried calling Bella again. But she always sound so happy, with crazy music – and crazy girls – playing in the background that I usually just hang up. Sometimes I whisper her name.

Quil seems to understand – I wonder why? I mean, I know he was crushing on Bella, but they've never really been close – have they?

I probably should pay more attention.

I'm calling her again tomorrow.

Hopefully I'll actually say something worthwhile…

_September…_

It's been exactly two years since Dad passed. In one week, it'll be exactly two years since I've seen Bella.

In about two days it'll be exactly five days since I called Bella.

And told her that I loved her.

I know it was idiotic, but what was I supposed to say?

Not that, granted, but still?

Tonight, I'm just gonna watch home movies. Movies of mum and dad and Bella and Charlie and Bella's mum and Harry and Sue.

Of good times.

_October…_

Hallowe'en. Our favourite times of the year.

Yes, because we're ironic and corny.

That and we all love pumpkin.

Leah is baby-sitting Matt tonight, so Emily is cooking up all our pumpkin guts into pie, while we try and find a pumpkin big enough for Quil's head, so he can be the Headless Horseman.

He's going trick or treating with Claire.

She's a fairy princess.

We're all going out, actually.

As werewolves mostly.

Quil just likes being different.

Emily is being a Vampire.

I think we all prayed that there was no sexual innuendo for Sam to attack her.

Oh Good Lord, the mental images!

_November…_

So, Emily is pregnant again.

Exactly one month along.

Exactly one month form Hallowe'en.

Yeah, like nobody saw _that_ coming.

Things at the garage are really heating up. It's good work – hard work. Keeps my head wondering to all those times Bella and I had sex in my garage back at Billy's.

I'm putting in a garage at my place.

Jared and Kim are now 'officially' moved in together.

There are bets on for how long until she's engaged.

Quil's got two days, Embry a week. Paul got two weeks, Sam a month. Brady and Collin split it together for two months.

Me, who actually knew, put it down for 9 days exactly.

I felt almost guilty for stealing their money.

Almost.

_December…_

Ah, snow. Christmas, thanksgiving.

And lots of money to spend on good presents.

Yep, Jared and I laughed for sooooooo long once the guys realised that I knew all along.

But it's alright, I'm buying them Christmas presents, so they're gonna shut up.

I'm sending Bella a present as well.

I really hope she'll like it.

_January…_

So much snow! It's so much fin to play in!

Claire loves making snow angels – and Quil is plenty happy to help her make them.

Leah and Matt also love the snow.

Emily is getting over her morning sickness, and is getting random cravings.

Like pickles and ice-cream. And Vinegar and ham club sandwiches. And pomegranate and lime smoothies.

I honestly don't know how she can actually eat that stuff.

I mean, I could eat it – but I'm like a vacuum cleaner – it doesn't matter what goes in so long as it goes in.

_February…_

Embry came across a leech scent last night, so we're doubling up patrols. It smelled a little like the Cullen's, but it was already too old to follow it. That and it was going fast and headed to Alaska.

The Thaw is such a lovely sound. Tap, tap, tap, tap all the time.

I got a letter and a box of chocolates in the mail from Arizona.

On the 14th.

I think that Bella might still love me.

_March…_

No more leech sightings or smelling, so patrols have lessened.

Emily is showing and Sam can't keep his hands off her belly.

It's sweet. Kind of.

And a little controlling. None of the wolves – save for Leah and me – are allowed near her.

Not that it stops Emily from feeding us. She just goes to us instead of the other way around.

I mean, this morning, she was there, frying bacon, with Leah playing with Matt and Sam looking very disgruntled on my couch.

And she greeted me like it was any other morning.

Women are strange.

And scary…

_April…_

Matt is one in a week, and Leah is head over heels in love. He's walking already, and talking a little, like mum and dad and l-l-le and Jak.

He's also got his first teeth.

And eats like a wolf.

Poor Emily. That's all I can say. I couldn't handle a kid wanting to suck on my nipples all day.

Although he is bottle fed more than anything.

Emily is due in about a month.

Well, 4 weeks and 2 days, according to Sam, who swears by all that is holy that isn't counting.

_May…_

So, once again, it Emily, Sam and Jake to the hospital.

18 hours later – and a lot of sympathy pain – Sam had himself a little daughter.

She is very tiny, fitting into his hands easily.

Her name is Arianna Margaret – Margaret after Emily's mum.

She has Emily's bright green eyes.

She looks a lot like Emily actually.

I'm pretty sure Sam fell in love her the moment he first felt her kick though.

_June…_

Emily was grumpy as hell this morning.

Leah has Matt – her first born.

Fine, she could deal with that. She couldn't help imprinting after all.

Then Sam fell head over heels for Ari.

Fine – first daughter, whatever. Who was she to come between a father and his daughter?

But something called 'post-natal stress' has made her a bigger bitch than Leah ever was.

And in this dammed heat wave, things aren't looking good.

At least Bella is coming back this summer.

She doesn't have much time left in uni now – only until next April when she graduates.

Maybe I'll see her then.

_July…_

Emily's temper has been controlled. She's cooking all the time now. It seems to placate her.

Matt is a little terror – he runs away from everyone – Leah included. He likes hiding for long periods of time.

The first time, Emily freaked out and Leah nearly had a heart attack. I swear, it was the scariest shit I'd ever seen.

Ever seen people in the middle of a crisis run around in tight circles saying 'it'll be fine, it'll be fine, 'it'll be fine'? Sorta like that.

If it was so scary, it was have been hilarious.

Quil is also getting the cold shoulder. Claire is going through her 'coodie' stage as it's been dubbed.

Meaning she's learning how to be completely confusing for the male race.

They start early. I remember.

It was 'boy germs' and 'girl coodies'.

Now it's 'STI's' just in general.

Year 1 was hell.

_August…_

The heat has passed for now, or so Mr White-Teeth weatherman has promised.

I personally don't believe him. It's hard enough when you run at 108 degree's normally.

You try doing that in a confined space, with only a little electric fan in the middle of a heat wave.

Yeah, slowly roasting in an oven is more comfortable.

_September…_

I visited the cemetery today.

I was surprised to find flowers there – girly flowers.

I mean, I know Charlie visits him all the time with his camping chair and a Vitamin R and talks all about the fishing.

But there were girly flowers on Billy's grave.

Bella had paid her respects once again.

God, they even smelled like her.

_October…_

Emily has put her foot down – Sam and Leah are going trick and treating with Claire and Quil while she has a night with her kids.

Leah understands – after all, Emily hasn't actually been a mother – more an incubator.

Not my words – hers.

This year, Quil promised to be a prince providing that Claire go with him.

Leah done her make-up even.

She looked very pretty.

Rachel came down and gave Paul and ear beating.

Then they probably had make-up sex.

Oh God, my sister and Paul having sex.

Good lord, the mental images!

_November…_

Charlie and I are watching a movie marathon on his upgraded TV. Fast and Furious – 1 through 4. In proper order too, mind you. 1, 2, 4, 3.

We're hoping for gone in 60 seconds to be one afterwards.

All the guys ended up coming around – Leah and Emily were having a 'girls night' looking after children – including Claire.

_December…_

It seems that the heat earlier in the year has hung on a little – no snow predicted for the whole of December.

But that's from Mr White-teeth.

No one actually believes him and his corny jokes.

I'm re-painting the spare bedroom in my house. It's going to be a deep rich purple.

Emily is helping me. She's feeling a little left out.

She even picked out the colour.

She's also going to decorate.

What is it with girls and spending other people's money?

_January…_

Okay, count down to Bella is on.

I even got a Christmas present this year.

I sent her back one – it was a shoe box painted the same as the spare room.

I hoped she got the message.

_February…_

Valentines Day passed without a hitch.

Quil got a 'Be my Valentine' from Claire - she made it in class.

Leah gave a chocolate to Matt, who blushed a little and hid under the table, while we all laughed.

Jared actually got Kim an engagement ring – finally – and took her out for wedding ring shopping.

Sam and Emily went to heir bedroom as soon as we all left.

Planning another baby perhaps?

Good Lord, mental images!

Embry, in his usual Embry style hit up the town for a good time.

Seth got numerous Valentine's cards and chocolates and 'wishes for kisses'. Not that he wanted any of them.

Brady got one off a girl in his class who he has a crush on. He kissed her cheek the other week as well. He's got ball,s I'll give him that much.

Colin stayed the whole time in the library away from the girls – and the boys.

Apparently a guy tried to make a move on him in home room.

Scared him shitless.

_March…_

Birthday planning is well underway.

Matt's is in a month, Ari the month after – the month that Bella comes back!

Only a few weeks now!

_April…_

Matt's birthday passed without a hitch – he even kissed Leah on the cheek.

She had the biggest grin on her face for ages.

Bella's supposed to be home soon.

I wonder how soon though….


	13. Coming Home

**Coming Home**

~/*\~

**Tell the world I'm coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain from yesterday.**

~/*\~

**BPOV**

I sighed as I sat in the airport terminal. I had still had hours until my flight arrived, but had nothing to do in the meantime.

Well, I _did_, but I was procrastinating it as much as possible.

However, after memorizing the incoming and outgoing flights, the delays, the electrical problems, the menu on the overpriced airport cafe, I realised I had nothing to do _but_ call him.

"Jacob, my Jacob," I whispered under my breath, before toying my cell phone for another ten minutes.

Eventually, I could procrastinate no more. And I had to dial the numbers – I had known off by heart, and could recite them forward, backward, drunk, high, and with an address to match.

I pressesd the numbers into the phone, and waited.

_Brrrrrrr Brrrrrrr_

_Brrrrrr Brrrrrrr_

_Brrrrrrr_

"Hello?" Jake's voice filled my mind, and I smiled, for it was happy.

"Jake?" I whispered, barely able to contain my joy.

"Bells," he breathed, as though it was the one word that could save him from every life-threatening situation.

"I'm coming back," I told him, holding back my tears. "I'm coming home."

~/*\~

**JPOV**

She hung up then, but I was so happy I didn't mind that it had been short.

I had been confirmed – Bella was coming home.

"QUIL! SHE'S COMING BACK!" I hollered.

Quil – who was munching on whatever I had lying around - just grinned slyly. I wasn't focusing on that though.

She was coming back.

Back to Forks.

Back to the cold and the rain.

Back to me.

She was coming home.

~/*\~

**BPOV**

I arranged with Charlie to have Jacob pick me up from the airport – I had to explain things to him.

I had to show him why I ran away.

Why Edward wasn't coming with me.

Why The Cullen's were no longer a part of my life.

Why I would never ever be a vampire girl again.

As I walked off the small plane, I saw Jake. Taller than I remembered, more broader, more muscular if it was conceivably possible.

But instead of the stormy glare that had permeated throughout my mind since the funeral two years prior, he was smiling like he always had. He was still _My_ Jacob under all the hurt that Billy's passing must have put on him.

As soon as he saw me, he ran towards me, and I literally jumped into his arms, my legs around his waist, as he just held me.

It didn't matter what had happened.

I was here now.

And, for just now, for these few seconds, I could pretend that life was perfect.

Eventually though, Jake had to let go, and I slid down his body, landing with a soft thud on the concrete.

"You're here," He said simply.

I nodded. "We have to talk." I replied, taking his hand. "Can we go somewhere? Like your place? I have to explain some stuff to you – about why I left, about Edward."

"No you don't have to," he insisted, but I shook my head. Living with a ditz and Southerner had made me more assertive.

"I _need_ to tell you this. It is very important. You have to know some things about me."

He sighed, but nodded. "Ok,"

~/*\~

We were strolling up the drive, holding hands, when I started.

"Jake, I'm coming back – to stay that is. Edward got a little…close one time," I whispered, holding out my right arm, showing him my now matching scar-tattoos. Both shimmering in the weak light, both a few degrees colder then I always would be.

"Bells, what happened?" Jake asked, stopping us where we were – his living room I guessed.

"We were about to make love for the first time – don't look like that, I was living with him, we were in love. I wasn't joining a nunnery Jake, so don't judge." Jake had a grumble-face on – the one he wore when something he didn't like happened. It was step 1 of the Sam face. I continued on, despite Jake's frowning. "When I sliced it accidentally on the headboard. If you look at it, there is a thin line through it. Edward lost control."

"He drank your blood?" Jake deadpanned, but he did glance a little more at my wrist.

"To him, my blood is like his personal brand of heroin – I'm his drug. Have ever seen an addict within Cooee distance of his drug? Nothing can stop him. This was like holding a large packet under his nose." I had a minor flashback of Edward explaining it to me the first year I met him. I almost smiled at the fondness of it, of the innocence I possessed about it.

"Doesn't excuse him."

"It does a bit. But, that's not the point. The point is I'm back. I'm staying here, well, not _here, _here. In Forks – with Charlie until I can find a place. There's a teaching job opening up at the Res. High school next semester – I'm applying. If I get it, and I save enough, I'll buy a little place near here. There's a house available with it – but it's not very good. I looked at it a couple of days ago online. Dying is a good word for it." I attempted humour, but I knew I fell short. The only sort of humour I could provide was the slap-stick kind.

"Wait, back up. You're here? You're staying? Do the Cullen's know? Does Edward know?" His face changed from insane joy to intense brooding. Stupid man hormones.

"Most of the Cullen's do." I bit out, hoping he would see through the lie, and let it rest.

"Edward?"

My face gave away my guilt instantly. That hadn't changed at all.

"Bella, you have to tell him. As much as I hate the bastard, he has a right to know I won."

"He feels bad about what happened! Space is good. Besides, I don't want him back. I don't want that life. I missed the sun more than I anticipated. They couldn't come with me to Arizona, so they holed up in Alaska and Russia."

"Wait, they were in _Alaska_? While you were halfway across the country?"

"Don't start on the safety crap, please." I had had enough of overly protective people.

"No, I was going to congratulate you. So, this must have happened pretty soon after you left here? Why didn't you call?"

"And say what, Jake?" I was angry now. "'Oh, hey Jake. Yeah, Edward just tried to kill me – but it wasn't his fault. So, I'm off to college. See you in four years?' Jake, you would have been on your bike and rode after me, pack in tow, ready and willing to kill him and his family – _my_ family. Jake, I would have hated you afterwards – I would have hated me. Running away was easier, safer thing to do for all of us."

"Are they coming back?" I scowled. Trust him to bring something like that up at a time like this.

"How should I know? They paid for college, send me birthday and Christmas presents and that's it. I have only see Alice regularly, sometimes Emmet, but that's just because he find's me amusing. No, wait, I stopped that…" She muttered to herself. "I stopped seeing them…"

"How long has it been since you saw Edward?" He demanded.

I sighed. "4 years today."

I could see the clocks ticking for him – 4 years was a long time.

"How did they manage to keep him away while Alice was visiting you?"

"How the hell do I know? I don't even know how she saw me – it's sunny in Arizona – all the time. All I know I haven't set eyes on Edward Cullen in four years."

"Bella, he'll come for you. You know he will. You can't keep him away forever. He won't stay away forever. A druggo can't go forever without his drug."

"He can live for eternity – a few more years – like say, 80 – aren't going to hurt at all. Give him books and a pen, he'll be fine." I replied pertly, trying to remind myself that ignoring a problem can make it go away.

"What happens if he finds out that you left him? It's the Volturi all over again." Stupid Jake and him being right.

"No, this was _my_ choice – I'm _choosing_ to live. When Edward went to the Volturi, he though it was because I had died – I'm choosing to live. He can't go back – he would essentially kill his family as well. He wouldn't want that – he respects them too much."

"This is all very well though-out on your part." He said cautiously.

"College does that to a person. Carlisle has thought up a plan, should they decide to come and visit. Alive has seen it will work. SO, do you cook now?"

He shook his head, probably trying to grasp the fact that yes, I had changed. I opened his cupboards while he was still processing.

"Jake, I know you went out last night, but didn't 'food' pass through your head once? This place is empty! Even Charlie had more food than you – and he's old and forgetful!"

He grinned and shrugged. "When I get hungry I eat. When there's no food – I mean, literally, nothing, that's when I go shopping."

"What, being a good mechanic isn't paying well these days?"

"Not that - I don't have time to shop most of the time. You're lucky you caught me when you did – shop is shut for the next few weeks."

"Why?"

"Owner is going away, so he gave us all a few weeks holiday – we could use it too."

I nodded. This could be a way for us to get back into our routine. "Well, that means we have a few weeks to get back into the swing of things – like the pack for example."

I grinned then, but hid it – probably at the mention of 'we' mean 'Bella and Jacob' "Jake and Bells.'

~/*\~

"Are you going to stay at Charlie's?" He asked once we had finished eating.

I shrugged. "Most of my stuff has been shipped there. I only have my carry-on stuff from the plane and my bag. Why?"

"Stay here. With me." He said slowly.

My eyes widened. That was a tempting offer.

"You sure Jake?"

He nodded eagerly.

"Well, maybe one night. We still have so much to talk about. Like what you did, and some other, unimportant stuff about me."

He grinned. "Sounds like a plan."


	14. Fighting

**Fighting**

_We are now up to date – the past and present have met and melded. Things will now be a shuffling on..._

~/*\~

_**LOVE**_** – Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for.**

~/*\~

"We need to talk about us," I told him bluntly.

He stared at me, before he nodded, though he looked depressed. I knew why – nothing good ever happens when I say that sentence.

Whenever anyone says that sentence.

We both sat down at the table, Jake was refusing to meet my eyes.

I grabbed his hands, and he looked up so suddenly that I was surprised that he didn't get whiplash.

"It's nothing bad. Just talking."

He nodded.

"I saw some of our friends. They explained what happened while I was gone."

Jake grunted.

"Hey, I get it. I still get to kill you though – killing yourself isn't a good idea. Under any circumstances."

"BUT YOU WERE GONE!" Jake hollered and leant back in my chair. I wasn't scared – not by his temper, not any more.

"YOU WERE GONE, YOU WERE DEAD!"

"Talk to me about it," I said softly, and he dragged his hands through his hands.

"You were gone," he repeated, not looking at me, his voice strangled by emotion. "Gone."

~/*\~

He sighed as he finished his past.

The tears I had shed during the first two years of our separation had long since dried, leaving me feel funny.

"So yeah, you're here." He finished lamely, smiling bitterly as he recognized how stupid it sounded.

"I'm here."

"What happened to you?"

"College."

"Come on Bells, I deserve better than that." My heart squeezed at the sound of my nickname.

I sighed.

"Well, I guess I should start from when I left with Edward. I was sitting in the truck next to him."

~/*\~

Jake was shaking slightly as I finished.

"So, it's been me? All along?"

I nodded, not meeting his eye.

"And you couldn't call? You couldn't write? But Quil, _fucking_ QUIL gets everything? He got to hold you when you broke down, when you were needing someone. QUIL?"

"I TRUST HIM!" I yelled back, standing as he did so we could have a proper yelling match.

"WHAT ABOUT ME?"

"WHAT ABOUT YOU?"

"I FUCKING WAITED FOR YEARS FOR YOU! I PUT UP WITH VAMPIRES AND YOUR DEPRESSION AND A BLOODY WAR FOR YOU! GOD BELLA, YOU'RE IT! I LOVE YOU!"

"YOU PUT ME ON A PEDISTAL! I DIDN'T WANT TO FALL FROMY OUR EYES. GOD YOU'RE INSUFFERABLE!"

"I MISSED YOU! I PUT MYSELF THROUGH HELL FOR YOU!"

"You broke my heart," I whispered.

"How the hell did I do that?" his voice was dangerous now. "I fought for you – I fought my brothers, the council, vampires, racists, everything, and I broke _your_ heart? Please, tell me how that works."

"I was broken. I wasn't worth fighting for. And then I fell in love with you – perfectly imperfect you. And I couldn't do it again. Not so soon. Not after the once-great-love-of-my-life had tried to kill me and had ripped me apart. I got over that, but I didn't want to do that to you. You'd already seen me at my worst. I knew I wasn't worth. You're too good for me Jake. I never deserved you."

Jake sighed. "Jeez Bells, thanks for the ego boost and all, but you are worth it. I wouldn't have done all that if you weren't worth it."

I sighed, rubbing my eyes.

"So, where do we go from here?" He asked, looking at me.

"I don't know. We both changed, stuff happened. But we can't start over, can we?"

"I wouldn't want to – I'm already in love with you, and it only took you 6 years to admit it. I couldn't handle another 6."

I chuckled at his bad attempt at humour.

"How about we start with a date then. No pressure."

"Ok, I'll pick you up from Charlies at 7 on Thursday." He said with affirmation.

I nodded. "I'm going back to Charlie's this afternoon." I told him.

He nodded. "Distance will help with the whole 'no pressure' thing."

I was about to walk away when Jake grabbed my wrist lightly.

"You really meant it? What you said back in Arizona? About the whole 'planning you life' thing?"

"It's always been you Jake," I said, not meeting his eyes. "Even when I was with Edward, it was always you."

I pulled away then and started packing my stuff.

I was too emotionally drained to care what reaction Jake had to my words.

~/*\~

_Short, I know, but better than nothing. It's different to how it was supposed to go originally, but I like this way better _


	15. Different But The Same

**Different But The Same**

~/*\~

**No Matter the Time, the Distance or the Changes – Somehow, Somewhere, Love Remains**

~/*\~

**BPOV**

To say that I felt like a teenager again would be unfair – the only real date I had gone on was with Edward, and even then it wasn't really a date, more of an 'I'm onto your secret' type scenario. So to say I was a teenager _finally_ would be more accurate – a teenager who had really no idea.

For the first time in my life, I actually reacted how I suppose girls all over the world do when they have a big date – they quite calmly freak out.

_What am I going to wear?_ Was literally the first thing I thought when I got to Charlie's that night – after another emotion greeting and awkward shuffling around each other with light chit chat about the past few years – minus the drunkenness, the boys and the Quil-factor.

My room – predictably – was the same as it had been when I left it. Empty of any real indictor of my personality (not that I had a strong one) with empty draws, cupboards and my desk. My bed looked like it had been freshly made with its signature purple sheets.

My floor, on the other hand was full of boxes that had arrived from university. Clothes, photos, books, mementos –it was all there, waiting to be looked at. Sighing, I picked through the bigger stuff, putting it in its proper place.

Then the questions about my looming date started to plague me as the methodically put clothes into my dresser, what colour am I wearing? What will we be doing? Skirt or pants? Heels or flats? Makeup? Hair up or down? Fancy? This is the problem that men really don't freak out about. They can wear jeans to anything – girls are expected to make an effort.

I tried to imagine all the places Jake could take me, but after four years, it didn't look hopeful that my memory would produce the exact place that Jake would take me. The diner? Some place in Port Angeles? A picnic? Home cooking?

And the weather – warm would have to be an option if I had any plans to survive the night.

Sometimes, I hate the fact that I over-analyse every single situation.

The urge to text Alice and asked her opinion was almost over-whelming, so I tried to sleep on my decision to decide on the day – one that I wrestled with until the very early hours of the night. Because of said wrestling, I did not wake up until about 2pm the next day, and the proceeded to eat cereal in my room and sleep away the rest of it.

Ah yes, post-university. I was living the life.

~/*\~

So after having wasted my entire Tuesday and being one day closer to my 'big date', I decided I would break a probable-rule of The Bro Code, and beg Quil as to the situation of my date.

I sat across from him on a stack of tyres and he fiddled under the hood of a green car.

"Come on Quil, I'm completely in the dark on this! I don't know how he dates any more. I mean, will it be dinner and a movie? A quiet one at his house? A picnic like that summer? Do I wear heels? A dress or jeans? Come on Quil, I don't want to be over-dressed or under-dressed or dressed completely inappropriately."

"Babe, I can't tell you anything – not because I don't want to, but mostly because Jake hasn't decided where he's taking you. Or if he has, he's not letting on about it. He's pretty good at keeping quiet up here." He tapped the side of his head.

I sighed. "But Quil, this could be the most important date of my life!"

"Ok, I get that it will you two finally meeting and blah, blah, blah. But seriously Babe, it's just Jake. He's still very much the same under it all. Still that gangly kid with the long hair and too-big teeth."

I sighed. "Yeah I know. But he's different – he's bedded half the Res and most of Forks."

"He wouldn't expect that of you – I mean, he _wants _it, hell, _everyone_ wants it – but he wouldn't do that to you. He's respecting the rules of awkward post-break up meet ups."

I snorted in derision. "What, wait for the second date before making a serious move?"

"No – it's more like the third."

I groaned. "Great."

"Oh, calm the farm. Just pretend its a date with anyone else – wear low heels and a slightly too-short skirt. There, problem solved. But take jeans and whatever in case."

"Thanks Quil!" I kissed him cheek. "You are the best friend ever."

He blushed slightly. "Yeah – wanna do this best friend ever a favour?"

"Depends," Quil could be very good at getting me to do some very bad stuff.

"Help me babysit Claire?"

"She's 8!"

"Almost nine," he corrected automatically.

"Still in the phase?"

He nodded sadly. I chuckled. "I'll help – break her out of it."

"But her mum, Leah, Emily, the pack – EVERYONE has tried."

"I haven't," I told him impishly, giving him another kiss of the forehead before leaving the garage, my mind swirling with possibilities of the date and the babysitting.

~/*\~

Thursday – the day of the big date had finally arrived.

Lying in bed that morning, I couldn't help the nervous energy stream through me, making even the otherwise dreary weather look positive.

My face, as always since the Edward incident, was clear of blemishes. After my shower and breakfast (though it was closer to lunch) I carefully chose the outfit Quil had suggested – a fitted blouse that was a little low, and straight skirt that was a little high and low heels completed it. A small dash of makeup and a bag with jeans, joggers and a tee and I was prepared – and it was only 2 in the afternoon.

A small snack later, I went digging to find some books. I ignored the classics – The Bronte Sisters did not interest me today. Instead of a book, I found a movie and spent my afternoon watching Captain America save the war.

I spent a lot of the time resisting the urge to just leave and meet Jake – just like I had done all _that_ summer. But I restrained it, reminding myself that we were adults now, and I had to wait for him to pick me up.

Charlie shuffled in not long before Jake was supposed to arrive, looking like he always did after work – a little older than he should. He raised an eyebrow to my outfit but didn't comment. After all, I had been dating in University without his stern gaze for four years – a week in forks was not going to change that, no matter how much he might wish.

"What time are you getting back tonight?" He called form the Kitchen as I packed up the DVD.

"I don't know – midnight? Maybe?" I wasn't used to letting someone know when I'd be home. It was a novel experience.

"OK – I won't stay up then. Have fun tonight Bella, and don't let him do anything that you don't want." Charlie seemed very stern about that.

"Yes sir," I called back, saluting the air as I did so, and I was rewarded by his snort.

A sharp knock at the door signalled Jake's arrival.

"Do you want me to get that?" Charlie asked.

I chuckled. "You make your dinner – I'll get it." I walked over Charlie, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "See you tomorrow – and don't stay up too late."

He chuckled. "Just go – I'll be ifne. I got by without you for four years, another night won't kill me."

I sighed, knowing he was right, and the nervous energy bubbled forth once more as I walked to the door. A quick intake of breathe and I opened the door, to reveal Jake, standing nervously, fiddling with a small bunch of flowers.

I smiled. "Hi Jake,"

He swallowed, drinking in my appearance. "Hi Bells," came the rough reply.

~/*\~

_Sorry, for the looooooong wait. Year 12 had really sucked me dry of a lot of my creative juice – I also joined the OTHER team (harry potter, not Edward, so you're safe). Since I have now graduated, and I don't have any real plans for a while, updates will come a lot quicker._


End file.
